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antishurtugal_reborn2020-08-16 08:34 pm
Eragon Group Spork: Part 59 - The End
Well here we are. The end has finally come. Just this short epilogue to go and we can consider this book officially sporked. Well done, everyone. It’s been a bit of a long haul, a few people disappeared and had to be replaced at the last minute, but we kept it together, and we got there. Go Team Anti-Shirt!
Last time around we saw Ergy kill Durza… who is not the main villain… using a cheap shot that relied on him being distracted… which is not heroic. But oh well, what else would you expect? This resulted in him somehow getting his mind tangled up with Durza’s so we could be given the Shade’s backstory to absolutely no purpose.
We open the epilogue with more of that, as Ergy keeps seeing stuff through Durza’s eyes. This mostly consists of lots of dead bodies. And he can feel Durza’s evilness and is completely losing touch with his identity – not hard since he barely had one to begin with. What is he? Boy or man, villain or hero, Shade or Rider? I’m gonna go with boy, villain, and douchebag.
He starts “praying” to be released from all the confusion – praying to who, pray tell? Since when was Eragon religious? Hell, since when did he know the names of any gods? “Pleading” might have been a better word choice.
Anyway, in the end he’s rescued not by any gods but by the strongest part of his personality – namely, his massive, massive ego. He starts thinking about how he’s lost “much that was dear to him” but he also got all this cool stuff and is Awesome now, and then another mind which is super powerful steps in and easily removes Durza’s influence forever. So much for that. And how on earth did Oromis contact him from such a long distance anyway? And why does he never do it again?
Eragon asks the new guy who he is, and Oromis pompously introduces himself as “Osthato Chetowä, the ‘mourning sage’. And Togira Ikonoka, the ‘cripple who is whole’.” How the hell do either of those names fit into this setting? They both sound very Japanese, but if Paolini lifted them from some anime or something I don’t know what it was.
Either way, Oromis tells Ergy to come and find him ASAP and adds that Arya can take him there. He then kisses Eragon’s butt by talking up the Durza killing and saying how lots of people are in his debt now, etc. This instantly takes Eragon’s ego from zero to Harvey Weinstein, and he starts patting himself on the back about how he’s done something “worthy of honour, of recognition” and how now he’s not just “a pawn in the game of power” but “an authority independent of any king or leader”. First, what the hell does this have to do with anything, and second, this is complete bullshit. Eragon is not an “independent authority” – he absolutely is still just a pawn and due to remain so for the rest of the series. In fact, him being a puppet of other people is only going to become more and more pronounced as the series goes on. Even now he’s being pushed around by the dead dragons in the Vault of Deus ex Machina, and in a matter of days he’s going to be swearing his loyalty to the Varden and doing whatever Nausea tells him to. How is any of that being an independent authority? And how does killing a random sub-boss make that happen anyway? Bah.
He’s shown a brief vision of Oromis standing dramatically on a clifftop, and is sworn to secrecy before falling asleep.
He’s then woken up by someone yelling at him to “arise”, but I have no idea who because when we cut to him sitting up in bed the only person there is – ugh – Angela. And she’s clearly not impatient for him to get up because she just quietly asks him how he’s feeling. He’s all sore and tired, and Angela gives him some mead to drink. Surprised that didn’t make him pass the fuck out again, since he just took it on an empty stomach. Instead it just makes him a bit more alert and he asks if Saphira’s okay, and Arya. Angela says yes they’re fine, then goes and opens the door whereupon Arya and Murtagh both instantly appear. What, were they in the waiting room all this time, flipping through old copies of National Geographic? Why weren’t they already in the room if they were this close? It’s so contrived.
Saphira also sticks her head through the door, and Murtagh cheerfully gives Ergy a recap of what happened after Durza died. Which was that the spirits possessing him flew off, whereupon the Urgals quit fighting the Varden and attacked… each other? What the hell did they do that for?
So the Varden could win easily, of course, and for no other reason than that. The survivors ran off into the tunnels, where they’re now lurking ready to kill off Ajihad in the next book. Meanwhile, Murtagh tells Eragon how he’s a big hero now and everyone thinks he’s so great. Quit encouraging him, Murty.
Ergy asks after the Twins and is told they must have been too busy to help him, which makes him suspicious, and after that Arya gives him chapter and verse about how she removed Saphira’s armour and then broke the giant sapphire thingy to distract Durza, and how she used a spell to slow everything down so Eragon wouldn’t get hit by the shrapnel, etc etc. Angela butts in with a “sour” remark about how she had to give both of them medical attention afterwards. Well isn’t she nice.
Eragon suddenly freaks out and starts reaching for his back, and Angela gets all worried and tells him that there was only so much she could do because she relies on “herbs and potions” and “There are limits to what I can do”. That is until the sequels, when she suddenly starts pulling all sorts of ridiculous superpowers right out of her ass.
Either way she apparently couldn’t do much in this situation, as she gently breaks the news to Eragon that he’s lost both his legs and will never walk again.
Oh wait, actually he just has a scar on his back. Oh no, how terrible, whatever will he do.
Hilariously, everyone reacts to this as if he actually had lost a limb, as Arya gets all solemn and says he’s “paid a terrible price” and Eragon melodramatically moans about how he’s “disfigured”, woe is him. What a goddamn whiner! Hundreds of people DIED in that battle, you self-centered creep! And you’re throwing yourself a pity party over a scar? A scar that isn’t even easily visible to other people? Come on!
Then he remembers the whole Oromis thing, which makes him feel better, and mentally promises that “I will come”. And then the book ends, and not before time either.
Well, I guess now it’s time for some final thoughts. What makes this book so bad that it spawned a hate-dom which continues to this day?
The short answer to that is nothing. By itself it’s not that bad in the scheme of things, and there are definitely novels out there that are worse. Rather it was the dishonest marketing, the author’s obnoxiously arrogant attitude, the plagiarism, and the Paolini family’s nasty vindictive behaviour towards anyone who criticised their cash cow. Without those factors this would just have been another lame pulp fantasy novel, swiftly forgotten. Which it should have been, because at the end of the day Eragon isn’t terrible so much as just incredibly mediocre. There’s not one single original idea to be had in it, the plot and setting are utterly generic, and the entire cast with maybe one exception is made up of stock characters. The plucky naive farmboy hero. The wise old mentor. The unattainable elf princess. The noble rebel leader. The handsome rogue with uncertain loyalties. The “cute” magical animal sidekick. The evil ruler who must be overthrown. The only character who doesn’t fit this mould is Angela, and Angela is terrible in plenty of other ways.
Then there’s the clumsy, amateurish prose, the infodumping, the purple descriptions, and all the scenes, chapters, characters and mismatched bits of worldbuilding that don’t go anywhere. But I would say that, all things considered, probably the biggest problem with Eragon is that it lacks focus. There’s no consistent villain; the Ra’zac start out as the main focus but then disappear right out of the book, rendering all the time Eragon and Co. spent looking for them completely pointless. Durza doesn’t enter the book properly until about two thirds of the way in, and as there’s no history between him and Eragon the victory over him at the end feels unearned and meaningless. New story elements are dropped in right out of nowhere and then disappear never to be seen again. You can tell this book wasn’t planned, because the whole thing simply reeks of being made up on the fly, which is why it keeps changing direction the way it does.
Unfortunately, the improvement most people expected to see in the sequels did not materialise. The problems present in this one stayed right where they were, and in some cases got worse. Meanwhile the good elements of this one, most notably the spark of enthusiasm and the fallible protagonist, swiftly went the way of the dodo.
Basically, this series never really had a chance and neither did its author. What could have been will now never be, however much we speculate over it.
And now it’s too late.
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And not a moment too soon, now we have 4 whole weeks of breathing space before the To Sleep group spork can begin.
Meanwhile, I'd better get to work on the next part of Bruce Fly's the Red Carpet.
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That thing is going to keep us going for years.
I literally cannot read that title without picturing a large red blowfly...
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I mean... Togira Ikonoka, definitely, that sounds Japanese. Osthato Chetowä, though... that sounds more... I don't know. I think it sounds more like it could come from a Native American language, but I haven't studied Native American languages enough to really be sure. It's definitely got some very non-Japanese features, though, like the consonant "th" and the fact that it's shoved right up against another consonant. Japanese doesn't like to put consonants together, and it doesn't have the "th" phoneme.
He’s then woken up by someone yelling at him to “arise”, but I have no idea who
Maybe it's the dead dragons. They're certainly pretentious enough.
Eragon melodramatically moans about how he’s “disfigured”, woe is him.
This kind of gives me the urge to let Vanora get some scars. Maybe on the shoulder... or the face... because for fuck's sake, Paolini, having a scar isn't being "disfigured." Everyone has scars.
Now, if the emphasis here were on the injury being cursed, I would have a much easier time accepting Eragon's horror. Durza was clearly angry as fuck about the mental intrusion, and he did say something while Eragon was dazed that might have been a spell. That would make some sense. But no, instead we get this bullshit, and coming right off that "cripple who is whole" line to boot.
Unfortunately, the improvement most people expected to see in the sequels did not materialise.
I think this is what brings a lot of us to the table, actually. The first book was bad, but underneath all the cribbing, there was a bit of a spark. There was potential. And as the sequels came out and that spark only faded and fizzled out, we saw that potential squandered.
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Chetowa definitely is more American than Japanese. For example, there's a resort in North Carolina called Chetola, a creek in Kansas called Chetolah, and a town in New York called Cheektowaga. "Chetowa" fits in perfectly with them, but doesn't fit very well at all with the Ancient Language.
In fact, there are only 3 AL words that include the consonant cluster "ch" : ach (do, does), achí (did, past tense of does), and Chetowä. I normal languages, if a sound is used in such a common and high-frequency word as the verb do, you tend to find that sound far more frequently in the language than just one single other example.
One day I'm going to go through and do a phoneme frequency analysis on the AL, because it's sure to show some weird results.
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I would give my big toe to know just where he cribbed it from, because you just know it has to be from somewhere. Alas, it's one of the few things nobody's been able to trace back to the source.
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You and I definitely need to do some posts about the AL as a shitty conlang.
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Yeah, languages aren't really my 'thing', as you know. Mea culpa.
Yeah, try having an eye put out or your entire right arm withered into a blackened husk, you little weenie.
You're most likely right. A lot of people were excited more by Paolini's potential than by the actual book - a common refrain was "wait for book two and see how much better he's gotten!". And then that... didn't happen. It would certainly explain why the common tenor of this place is frustration and disappointment.
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I wish he had lost a limb here. Then when he's miraculously cured, it would be sort of justified, and it would at least justify his angst.
>"He starts “praying” to be released from all the confusion – praying to who, pray tell?"
Eragon's praying to Paolini. And thus, his prayers were answered! No idea or skill was kept from his understanding, his confusion banished forever.
>"He’s then woken up by someone yelling at him to “arise”, but I have no idea who"
Paolini is calling his chosen avatar. "Arise, so that I may step into your mind and pilot you around like a meat-puppet!" shouts Paolini from beyond the fourth wall.
Okay, I'll stop.
>"And now it’s too late."
Eragon is the best book he ever wrote. Paolini's writing career remains a cautionary tale to this day. :/
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"Avatar, arise from your slumber!"
It really is. Among other things I see it as a warning as to what too much fame and easy success can do to a person, and it's made me very wary of wanting too much attention and praise in my own career. The ego boost is nice and all, but more and more I'm thinking obscurity is better for you in the long run.
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Paolini has convinced me that if I shoot for publication (not sure about my dedication) I want to write, like, 200 page (or less) books sold at Target. Standalone 200 page books. If I write a big 500 page book I worry that someone will bump into the bookshelf and then it will fall and crush their foot, and that would be just terrible. My book's reputation would never recover.
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Saphira also sticks her head through the door, ...
That's the scene from Return of the Kings when Frodo wakes up.
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Exactly what I was thinking.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgtMW38vsUs
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(I wrote 'Return of the Kings' instead of 'Return of the King')
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