Longing Heart Re-spork

[epistler]

I originally sporked this disturbing little specimen on the old comm., and it was sadly lost during ASMageddon. Fortunately I think I can remember most of the jokes, so I decided to take another shot at it before I forget.

Longing Heart

I cannot read that title without thinking of the song “Rebel Heart” by the Corrs.

Summary: When Eragon realizes everything he had ever desired in this world had always been with him, it pains his heart since he knows that it would never be possible for him to be with the one who was closer to him than anything else. Unbeknownst to him, Saphira was struggling with the exact same thoughts, for she had discovered long ago what Eragon truly was for her.

Ayup. It’s Eragon/Saphira. Be very afraid.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Inheritance-Cycle, Christopher Paolini does.

Your standard issue fanfic disclaimer. If it were me I’d have added a sarcastic “…and he’s bloody well welcome to it”.

I decided to finally write down what I wanted to see at the end of Inheritance, which has given me a long time to think about it because it personally saddened me but only because I love only one shipping in the entire series :)

The one involving bestiality! :(

With that being said, I hope you enjoy this little One-shot.

I sincerely doubt it. (Note from the future: I did not enjoy this fic).

A rush of feelings went through Eragon as he and his dragon Saphira were patiently waiting on the slight rise some yards away from the Ramr River. And it all started that morning when he found the letter inside of his chamber, telling him and Saphira to meet Arya alone and without telling anybody, not even Glaedr or Umaroth, at the Ramr River.

You can tell this person is a Paolini fan because as usual we get vague, unspecified “feelings”, also dry and boring summarising of what let up to this point by way of an opening.

He was concerned, but not about that something was wrong, he was concerned about the future which was now in front of him. He knew that Angela's prophecy told him that he would leave Alagaesia behind, yet, it was the reason why he would do that which gave him no peace. He had discussed it with Saphira, and they agreed that they would leave Alagaesia in order to bring the remaining dragon eggs and the Eldunari somewhere else, somewhere safe and away from the remaining dangers which were still present in this land, so that nobody could ever abuse the power of the Eldunari ever again and ensure the return of the dragon race. They had agreed on this… but he kept his real thoughts away from Saphira, and it pained him every single moment.

Let us take a moment to mourn the passing of our friends grammar and sentence structure. They never stood a chance. Requiescant In Pace. *makes sign of the cross*

It only took a single rider to ruin the order which the Riders had created so long ago, why shouldn't it happen again? Why shouldn't this disaster repeat itself again in the future? When the Riders would lose their focus on their task again, forgotten because of the power they wielded. Why should he spend the rest of his life repeating the same actions from the past… why couldn't he leave it all behind…why shouldn't he be allowed to find his own happiness? And that was the point where he felt an emptiness within himself.

Despite the continued abuse of grammar’s corpse, this is actually rather interesting. Unlike canon Eragon, this version is actually aware of how dangerous his power levels are and how susceptible to corruption an order like the riders would be. And the idea of him wanting to find happiness for himself after being more or less forced to sacrifice everything in the name of the (alleged) greater good is also effective. That is, it would be effective if we didn’t know the “emptiness” referred to here means “lack of dragon sex”.

Saphira glanced at her Rider, worry reflecting in her eyes.

_What is bothering you, little one?_ she spoke softly in his mind while sending him warm and soothing feelings through their connection. Eragon's eyes snapped open at this as he became aware of his surroundings again. He gasped as he glanced at Saphira, the setting sun reflecting in her sapphire eyes made them glimmer, her scales shining while she smiled at him in her own way.

“In her own way” meaning…?

He could feel her amusement but also her worry as he quickly avoided her gaze, trying to conceal his thoughts from before. She mustn't find out, how would she react? That was what he was supposed to do, rebuilt the Riders and bring the dragon race back, and then?

Why exactly is Saphira amused? To quote Timon from The Lion King, “I see nothing funny about all this.”

He couldn't see anything beyond of this, no life he could built together with someone he loved more than anything else. He saw no happiness in his future. _His _future alone… because he knew Saphira would find her love and happiness as soon as the eggs would hatch.

Dude, she’s literally bonded to you for life by unbreakable magic. She can’t leave you, you stupid prat. And dragons don’t mate for life, remember? Stop breaking canon for the sake of cheap melodrama, author.

And that was his biggest secret. Nothing which he could ever share with anybody, not even with his partner of mind and heart, the closest and most precious being he had in his life… the one he loved more than anything else… more than a friend…

Oh ick.

Eragon forced his eyes shut, trying to throw every thought he had away. He couldn't…

Because, Bella Swan-like, he didn’t have any thoughts to begin with! His mind was a howling wasteland populated by dead crickets and mothballs.

He felt Saphira touch his mind but he quickly hid his thoughts, causing her to look at him with slight hurt in her eyes. _Eragon, what is wrong? Why are you keeping your thoughts away from me? _

 "Nothing.", the iron behind his voice made her gasp, the expression he held was betraying no emotion.

“The iron behind his voice” – yup, that’s classic Paolini. If I were Eragon, I’d snap back that “you’ve hidden a hell of a lot from me, but it’s not okay when I do it back?” Hypocrite.

But everything pained his heart for every second that passed, she couldn't see what he felt, what he felt since the day he bonded with her, his beautiful dragon, since everything they've been through, and yet he had been too blind to see it. It would destroy everything he had left if she would find out. It was not _that elven princess_ he had searched for in his life. No, all he wanted in his life has always been with him the entire time, never leaving his side. And yet, it was so far away.

And here we see the classic shipper’s tactic of bashing the canon love interest. Remember all those Ron the Death Eater fics put together by frustrated Harmonians? Yeah.

And it pained his heart ever since the realization hit him. Because that was what would happen. What would happen if he stayed with Saphira until the day the eggs would hatch. He couldn't live near her with the knowledge that she would eventually take one of them as her mate, every day he would stay with her he would be reminded that his beloved dragon had chosen somebody else. For their bond would never fade away, instead it would only pain him further.

Why do so many people think jealousy is romantic?

His eyes widenedwhen Saphira's tail wrapped itself gently around his body and lifted him towards her chest, her paws embracing him as she lowered her head on eye level with him, her gaze never leaving his while forcing him to look at her.

Apparently Saphira has a monkey tail now.

_Eragon, I can't bear to see you like that! I know you better than anything else, please, tell me what is bothering you_ her eyes softened as he lost himself in her eyes. _I love you, little one… _

Urrrrgh. It was creepy enough when she called him that in canon, but at least there she didn’t want to fuck him!

He shut his eyes at that, the bitter truth that it was only meant in a different way stabbing his heart again. Yet as she wanted to say something, Eragon spoke up again.

"Look, there.", he motioned behind her where he spotted a green form in the sky, his eyes now empty without any emotion as he forced a fake smile onto his lips since he already figured out what it was that was heading towards them. The only thing which could be.

Oh shit it’s the canon love interests! Run!

_Eragon-_

“Is it all right if I start calling you Kevin? ‘Eragon’ just sounds too much like a laundry detergent.”

"Eragon!", Saphira was interrupted and turned her head at the familiar voice of the elf who wanted to meet them here. Yet that was, without mentioning the green scaled dragon on which she was sitting. Arya raised an eyebrow at the position Eragon was in before he freed himself from Saphira's grasp to meet Arya, trying to ignore Saphira's gaze who noticed the green male dragon who watched her with interest. It was then when he noticed the circlet of gold which was resting upon her brow.

Dull, emotionless description. I feel right at home.

“You? Dröttning…?”, he asked after a moment of hesitance with only his eyebrows slightly raised, for in truth, he wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings anymore, for the arrival of the two of them had risen his deepest fears and thoughts from before, the pain inside of him returning as Arya replied with a smile.

Oh no, the hot elf chick he spent four massive books mooning over is finally showing some interest! PANIC STATIONS! Call the national guard! Raise the terror level!

"Me. My people chose to give me my mother's title, and I chose to accept."

“Unfortunately, my dialogue is still stilted and awkward. It just seems to be one of those things."

Above them, Saphira and the emerald dragon sniffed at each other. As much as he tried to ignore the knotting feeling in his stomach and the green dragon, he asked.

Apparently Eragon has a green dragon knotting in his stomach. I think we should get this guy to the emergency room, like, NOW.

"And him?"

She smiled again, introducing him towards the new dragon named Firnen which he could only guess hatched for her during her absence.

Author: “I’m giving the canon love interest as little attention as possible in the hopes that you won’t start to get interested in him and instead want Saphira to screw Eragon. How am I doing?”

*judges hold up a row of zeroes*

“…rats.”

_I am glad to meet you, Eragon-friend-Shadeslayer, my Rider has told me much about you. _Uncertainty krept into Eragon, he had never experienced it before…

Spelling, meanwhile, krept out of this fic never to return.

Firnen returned his gaze to Saphira, many things passing through them as Eragon could feel everything from her. The thoughts, sensations and the… emotions…

The emotions! The horrible horrible unspecified emotions!

"They seem to have taken to each other", Arya said with a smile, the knotting feeling inside of Eragon only beginning to grow. But it wasn't the only thing he felt, for every word Arya spoke, he felt like his fears were taunting him, stabbing his feelings.

Canon was trying to happen, and it was stabbing him right in the feels! Or maybe that was just indigestion. His new elf mutant stomach, it turned out, really couldn’t handle meat. But dammit, he needed that sweet sweet pork juice dripping down his chin!

She suddenly took his hand and led them a bit away from their dragons, leaving them to themselves as Eragon began to feel the pain within himself becoming worse. He tried to shrug it off as they both watched the two dragons, Saphira was not sitting as she normally did, instead she crouched low just as Firnen did, his tail twitching. Her eyes were slightly narrowed...

It later emerged that Saphira needed glasses.

Suddenly Eragon had trouble to breath properly, his growing uncomfortableness screaming at him to escape everything that was happening.

The Epistler was having trouble to breath properly too, though that was probably because of the repeated headdesking.

Arya looked at him with a worried expression when she noticed his shallow breathing and pained expression which he could not hide any longer.

Is it just me, or does Eragon sound like he’s about to ejaculate all over his woolly elf knickers?

And suddenly, his eyes snapped open, the hurt became unbearable as he only muttered a brief '_excuse me'_ before he walked away into the direction of a forest near the River and just as Arya tried to take his hand he ran, for everything he tried to keep sealed away broke free, tears streaming out of his eyes as he couldn't bear all of this. And so he ran, ignoring Arya's shouts, for he didn't care about anything. His heart couldn't take it anymore.

BAAAWWW! Nobody understands my paedophiliac incestuous bestiality love!

(No really. She’s less than a year old, he raised her, and she’s an animal. This whole setup is ridiculously illegal. Except maybe in Alabama).

…

The hurt I felt from my rider was maddening me, he was trying to hide it but did he honestly believe that I would just ignore it?

And we just randomly cut to first person, right out of nowhere. Somewhere an English professor is crying into a bottle of whiskey.

I love him more than anything else, even if my beloved rider would never accept it, and it was a dare to believe I wouldn't notice anything. It already began at the time when we were still struggling against the mad king. The hurt, whenever he thought I wasn't paying attention... I could always feel him looking at me with that hurt in his eyes!

Are you kidding? He ignores you all the damn time in canon and you ignore him back!

It had no place inside of somebody who was so beautiful as my Eragon... I would never take my attention away from him for a single moment!

What a dreamboat.

I have observed it, tried to sooth him so that he would share whatever was hurting him with me, but he never did.

The Epistler needed to be soothd too. So she reached for the beer.

Back then I had thought it was that filthy elven princess who broke his heart, and that he wouldn't want to talk about it. I will never forgive her for that... and neither will I forget the jealousy I felt which I desperately tried to hide from him...

Again, people really need to stop peddling the notion that jealousy is cute or romantic. It’s one of the Seven Deadly Sins, for heaven’s sake! And not even one of the cool ones!

But it didn't stop. It concerned him deeply, and I will demand the answer from him, it was for his own good. Whatever it was, I will make him smile again. And I almost had him, before his attention suddenly shifted away from me.

“Almost had him”. You know, like a trout. That’s not creepy at all.

_Eragon-_

“I think we should see other people. This just isn’t working out.”

"Eragon!", I mentally snarled at the voice of _her, _that was the last thing I needed.

Again with the Arya bashing. When did she piss in your cereal, Saphira?

Eragon got out of my grip and I wanted to stop him before I noticed the emerald dragon who accompanied Arya and suddenly I could feel something entirely else from Eragon, hitting me almost instantly as he stared at the green male dragon too.

Fear.

…of canon!

I looked back at my rider before I eyed the green dragon carefully as I tried to understand the cause of it before the only reason I could think of came into my mind.

It couldn't be... could it?

Eragon was trying to escape from the fic!

XxxxxxxX

Saphira snapped her head away from Firnen as she suddenly felt a torrent of emotions overwhelm her, the hurt and betrayal she felt over her shared bond with her partner of heart and mind before it suddenly came to an end, a part of her mind which was always there suddenly vanishing, Eragon was not there anymore.

If only it would stay that way. Also, do not try to read the above sentence out loud or you will turn blue and pass out on the floor. What did the full stop ever do to you, author?

As the realization hit her, she bared her teeth and growled at Firnen while taking a step back before she shot off the ground and towards where Eragon had left, her heart and instincts guiding her, for they were leading her towards the only thing in this world they desired.

Sex with a sociopathic Mary Sue elf mutant

…

 

Hurt, betrayal and jealousy surged through him as he ran, through the forest, away from the others, away from Saphira… more tears streamed down his face as he gritted his teeth, shutting her out of his feelings completely, the loneliness wrapping itself around him. For how long he's been running, he didn't know.

For how long he’s been abusing the rules of grammar, the Epistler didn’t know either. 

Bu he had to get away. Get away from her. He knew he couldn't live anymore like this, he knew what was undoubtedly going to happen and it was only natural.

I can’t live anymore like this either. Also I’m Russian now. In Soviet Russia, badfic spork you!

Of course, that was what she always wanted, a mate who she could have, and here he was, crying when she had finally found one because he realized what his heart had always longed for. Anger rose up within him, but it was only directed at himself. He was such a little, pathetic and weak human!

Okay, this can’t possibly be Eragon. The ridiculous ego is missing.

By the time the sun was fully set, the moon shining brightly in the sky, he fell to his knees as he came to a stop in front of a lake in a clearing of the forest, his strength leaving him. Tear after tear streamed down his face as he sobbed, looking at his reflection in the water, the moonlight shining upon the clearing. He shut his eyes tightly as more tears trickled into the water below.

Ridiculous levels of narm aside, I don’t think it’s even physically possible to produce tears in this sort of volume. I don’t know if this author has ever cried before, but 99% of tears just evaporate on your face.

He didn't care anymore… if he couldn't stay by her side, what would he do? What would he do with his life… without her…

Dude, she’s just going to have a fling with this other dragon, get pregnant, and then sail away to the Gray Havens with you forever.

…

_Pure delight and happiness surged through him as he saw his beloved dragon descend from the sky and towards the entrance of the Dwarven city

Holy lack of any transition, Batman!

 as he waited for Saphira to land before he realized that she wasn't slowing down even though she was near the ground.

Shit, is she trying to kill him now? (If so, I approve).

He gasped as she tackled into him, licking him all over while holding him in her paws as she felt her warm mind once again wrapping itself around his as she held him on the ground, not letting go of him.

In other words she’s stripping all the flesh off his bones with her barbed tongue? Which is so nasty she used it to lick stone into shape in book two? What is this, a Clive Barker novel? Also, I don’t care what Paolini told you, author – scaly dragons do not have “paws”. They have talons.

She didn't stop licking him as he could finally hear her beautiful voice in his head again. _

Ick. This is like watching some guy get slobbered over by his dog. Which is, in case you needed to be told, not a romantic or erotic thing. At all. Ever.

'_I missed you, little one…' Eragon hugged her back as tightly as he could around her belly. _

_'I missed you too, Saphira…'_

You’ve been apart for like ten minutes, you pair of sooks.

…

 

Eragon cried in pain as he clawed at his head, panting heavily as he forced his eyes shut tightly again, trying to throw those cursed images away, the pain tormenting him.

Is – is Saphira mindraping him? Because holy shit.

…

 '_Protect her Eragon, for without her, life is barely worth living…'_

“If you feel the urge to bang her, don’t worry; it’s just a phase. Going through puberty with a dragon in your head gets a bit weird, if you know what I mean.”

…

"AHH! SHUT UP!", he couldn't believe his own words but the pain wouldn't go away. It would stab him with every fond memory he still possessed, turning it into even more pain. He wouldn't let it dominate him… no… he didn't need all of this…

The narm! It burns!

Suddenly he snapped his eyes open again and spoke in a last desperate attempt in the ancient language as he said the very line that he would only love one being and bind himself fully towards it before trying to say any name which was destined to him, but as he did, he choked the name as it left his mouth, leaving him with his eyes wide open and unbelievingly.

"... Saphira."

A voice suddenly spoke in his head, soothing him and taking the pain away which could only be healed by one being, repeating the same sentence he spoke in the ancient language before saying the last word with utter love and happiness.

'_... Eragon.'_

What the hell is this? A spell? Some sort of second even more horrifying bonding process? Is this what going mad feels like? It is, isn’t it?

He slowly turned his head around as he saw Saphira standing in front of him, her eyes watering, yet she smiled at him.

This despite the fact that she doesn’t have lips.

"Why?", his voice wavered as Saphira slowly edged closer, her gaze never leaving his.

_Because there is only one being I love _

“I tried to explain to our author that platonic love is just as meaningful as the sexual kind, but they’re a horny teenager and wouldn’t listen.”

Eragon was frozen in place as Saphira stepped towards him, her eyes nothing but full with love directed onto him and only him.

_who I love more than anything else and always will with everything I am_

Her mind slowly wrapped itself around his, blanketing him in warmth as she neared him.

Telepathic bonding and squick will now forever be linked in my mind, and yes that wording was 100% intentional.

_who I love more than just as my partner of heart and mind, for he is my only love, forever bound to me as I am to him_

She lowered her head as she wrapped her wings around him, holding his head with her paws as she pulled his head towards her own, her longing eyes gazing deeply into his.

Dragons still don’t have “paws”.

_and that is __*you*__, Eragon… _

Screw repopulating the nearly extinct species, I guess.

And with that she connected her mouth with his as she didn't let herself be hindered by their differences, ignoring whatever instincts told her that this was not the way dragons were _supposed_ to act, for she was not a mere wild dragon, she was his partner of mind and heart, she was his and *only *his.

Psychotic jealous possessiveness still isn’t romantic or desirable. Also, could you possibly have picked a more clumsy and roundabout way of saying that they kissed? Even though Saphira still doesn’t have LIPS.

Nobody would ever be closer to her than her Eragon. His sobbing came to an end, his eyes watering as Saphira pressed deeper against him, consuming him with all of her love, opening her mind completely to him, no secret was being kept from him by his partner as he could see everything of her. And with it, he saw what he never believed was possible, what he was to her.

A lover so ridiculously small next to her that the only way he’d be able to pleasure her would be allowing himself to be used as a human/elf dildo? And yes, I did just give you all a mental image of Eragon being shoved headfirst into a dragon’s vagina. You’re welcome.

_I love you, my __*mate*__… _

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here vomiting up everything I’ve eaten for the last ten years.

As a side note, I found this article which may be of interest.