Forged By Fire Sporking: Part Five

[epistler]

Part Five: Zarq Gets a New Home… AGAIN

With the last chapter’s wankery over and done with, Gen takes Zarq and the dragonmaster back to the palace area, along with Savga, and gives them a place where they can “board” discreetly out of sight while he smooths things over with Ghepp. We get yet another vaguely disturbing description of Savga, as Zarq picks her up, and the kid “flowed into my arms and melded to my skin”.

Ew. Just ew. No! Why would you write that?

Might I add, the kid is friggin’ six years old or thereabouts. I’m pretty sure she can walk.

They enter their excessively described quarters, and Gen asks Zarq if she wants anything specific. She asks for scrolls about the history of this Clutch, and a couple of other things.

As for the dragonmaster (seriously, author – why have you still not bothered to give him a name?), I guess he fell off a cliff or something because he’s completely disappeared and I have no idea when or how that happened. At first I thought he was in this scene but the author hadn’t given him anything to do. But nope – he’s just not there. For some reason.

Gen explains to Zarq that Ghepp still hopes to use her to learn the secret of hatching bull dragons, and goes on to explain Gen himself is in collusion with a whole lot of people, some of them very rich and powerful, who are part of the secret rebellion. More hilariously stupid anachronisms show up, as apparently some of the rebel conspirators are “tycoons” and they all dream of “decolonisation”.

Zarq, moron that she is, finally twigs and says “this isn’t my Clutch, is it?”

Noooo, ya think?

Gen doesn’t bother to answer, probably because he thinks it’s just as moronically obvious as I do. Instead he talks about how abolishing the whole “slavery” thing will have repercussions. Zarq has apparently forgotten the whole “is this my Clutch” issue, because she doesn’t pursue it, instead asking Gen how he managed to change his skin colour. He answers that he “employs the same Djimbi cosmetics as you do”.

Call me crazy, but I really think “cosmetics” isn’t the word you should’ve used there, pal. We’re talking about magic, not the latest line of foundations from L’oriel. (Because I’m worth it!).

Naturally Zarq has no idea what he’s talking about, and he seems surprised that she apparently didn’t know her “skin has changed to blend in”. He asks her what colour her skin is and she says tan, or “Asogi” (I’ve mostly given up listing all the neologisms the author keeps throwing in, but there’s this one).

Gen thinks she’s just lying and says he can trust him, and is even more surprised when she’s still clueless. He tells her she’s not “Asogi” at all – she’s a Djimbi, just like him. Zarq freaks out a bit, but then remembers how, when she was a kid, she thought her mother and sister were Asogi too, and yet people still made nasty racist Djimbi comments about them. She also remembers when Waivia briefly appeared to have Djimbi colouring, and her mother did the same.

Now at last Gen tells her she’s got a powerful enchantment on her which makes her look and, uh, smell like a non-Djimbi. Apparently the spell is so powerful it’s made her infertile, which is why she’s never menstruated.

This is meant to be a shocking revelation, but instead I’m just rolling my eyes at Zarq being so hopelessly stupid that she apparently hadn’t even noticed that she’d never had a period, and never thought it was odd that she’s done it with multiple guys and never got pregnant. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t one of those cultures where they wait until you’re eighteen before you get the Talk.

Gen then spoils the moment anyway by vomiting a bunch of exposition about the different racial strains in the country and insert at least three new pointless neologisms here. Zarq is upset because she’s totally a Djimbi (well, half Djimbi) and therefore seen as vermin. Because everyone’s been oh so very nice to her so far. Wouldn’t want to ruin that by revealing the Awful Truth, hey-o.

Zarq ends the scene with another canned cliché about “until one loses one’s freedom, one never really knows what it is”.

Shut up, Zarq. I mean it. If you spout just one more line of Fortune Cookie Wisdom at me, I’m going to scream and throw the book out the window.

That night she has nightmares, and wakes up gagging on Savga’s hair. Ick. Like Bella from Twilight she’s somehow Worked It All Out thanks to a weird random dream with symbolism about as subtle as fist to the stomach. Why couldn’t her mother’s ghost find Waivia by herself? Because Waivia somehow used the same “pigmentation charm” to hide herself from her mother (um, why?). Also, not to spoil things even further, but we’ll later learn that Waivia now has a kid of her own. Why didn’t the charm make her infertile too?

Zarq’s charm, on the other hand, was placed on her by Mummy Darling. When, I have no idea. Zarq continues to intuit things she couldn’t possibly know (especially given her room-temperature IQ), magically concluding that Waivia had been taught all about their mother’s “pagan art” and used it to disguise herself so she could have her way. Again we’re told that Waivia is super smart and good at pretty much everything, on the basis of no evidence.

Zarq takes it even further by making another absurdly impossible conclusion – that Waivia is pregnant with Kratt’s kid, and must have removed the charm to do it, and since she’s giving Kratt a son and can control the Skykeeper, he doesn’t give a crap about the Djimbi thing.

Okay, this is beyond ridiculous. There is no way in HELL Zarq should be able to figure all this out, especially given that all she’s got to go on is some pretty thin information about the spell that’s on her, and a weird dream. How on earth does she know Waivia is pregnant?

The cherry on this particular bullshit sundae is that Zarq is 100% correct about all of it.

She finally concludes that she’s almost as scared of Waivia as she is of Kratt. Because why? Because you convinced yourself of all of the above despite having absolutely nothing to back it up?

I know I keep saying it, but Zarq really is a complete and utter nitwit.

Morning eventually comes, and we get – sigh – even more useless description of irrelevant crap, plus yet another thing which doesn’t fit the setting, as Zarq describes something as being the “orange of a ripe pumpkin”. They have pumpkins in Malacar now? When has Zarq ever seen one anyway? Guh.

Zarq and Savga get a new outfit apiece, but Savga is all traumatised and shit and has basically gone catatonic. Oh no, poor kid, etc. etc.

They eat breakfast with their host, some old woman who isn’t important. Predictably the food is bland “gruel”. Savga won’t eat and just sits there staring creepily. And now I’m really wishing we could just ditch the kid, but I’m afraid we’re in for the long haul on this one. Zarq tries to get her to drink some water, but she keeps her mouth shut so it just spills everywhere. And now I want to slap the kid. Yeah, I know she’s meant to be all traumatised because she’s lost her mother, but I’m still grinding my teeth.

See, this is why it’s a good thing that I don’t have any kids. I just plain don’t have the patience for dealing with it when they’re being a pain in the ass. This scene could have been an effective one if I gave a shit about either of them, but I don’t. I know I said I liked Savga at first, but after that I got sick of her pretty quickly when it turned out her only character trait was being Totally Adorable™ and literally nothing else.

Moving on from the brat, Zarq starts reading one of the scrolls Gen left for her. It has the oh-so-appropriate-for-fantasy title The Scientific Law of Human Chattel. Argh.

The scroll itself turns out to be a racist screed explaining “scientifically” what label a person should be given depending on their racial heritage and characteristics. It’s less subtle than a mallet, and mind-numbingly dull.

Zarq checks out another scroll, which lists the names of everyone from Tansan’s village. She now finds out what everyone’s racial makeup is, and that Tansan is a bastard child, as was her mother.

Will this ever be important?

Of course not. It’s just there for some godsforsaken reason.

Oh right – it’s to shoehorn in more RaceWank as their bastardy means they’re legally allowed to be sold into slavery at any time. I thought that had already been made entirely obvious, but I guess the author just plain thinks I’m stupid.

I’m now on page 122. Nearly halfway through the book, and the plot still hasn’t gone anywhere. Instead we’re wasting time introducing even more useless characters and endlessly reiterating stuff we already know. Now that’s some efficient storytelling right there, sigh. I’m getting pretty tired of repeating the same criticisms over and over again, but what am I going to do when the author keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over again?

Well, I guess I could quit and toss the book in the garbage, but then I’d be leaving you all hanging. Better keep going, I suppose. After all I’m assuming you all want to know how this trainwreck ends.

That night Zarq has a venom withdrawal-induced seizure.  It’s pretty bad. Savga finally snaps out of it long enough to watch in horror.

Zarq wonders if their host, who was revealed as a herbalist (no it’s not Angela, thank all that’s holy) in the last chapter, might have something she can use. A painkiller or some such. Oh, and apparently they have poppies now. You know, for making opium/morphine. You know what, I’m not even going to touch that.

She heads off downstairs, and is just in time to overhear a very convenient conversation between the old woman and some guy, and gasp – the guy is a drug dealer! No, really – he’s here selling her illegal dragon venom, or talking about it.

Naturally this sets Zarq off quicker than a cat hearing a can opener, and to nobody’s surprise she immediately sets off to follow the guy to the sweet venom. Even more distastefully, she takes the kid with her. She eventually tracks the dealer to a mansion where some nobles are partying – because that’s all nobles do here when they’re not burninating the villages – and sneaks into the attached kitchen, where servants are collecting platters of food to take upstairs. Zarq finds the cook arranging some nibbles around “a whole roasted iguana that sported a charred mango in its gaping mouth”.

Sounds tasty. (Yes, you actually can eat iguanas. I looked it up).

Zarq poses as a servant and carries the iguana a la charred mango inside the mansion, where everyone’s partying down. She reaches the door to the place where she thinks the venom is, but the guard outside won’t let her in. She keeps trying to bluff her way past, and finally starts shouting. This attracts unwanted attention (surprise), and Zarq realises that she’s just gotten the pair of them in Big Trouble.

See, this is one of the many reasons why I can’t stand Zarq. The only time she ever advances the plot or makes anything happen, period, is when she does something spectacularly stupid like this. Yes, I know addiction can make people do reckless and stupid things, but there are fucking limits! And this time she’s managed to top her previous displays of blithering idiocy by dragging a little kid into it. Nicer work, jackass – now the kid will probably get hurt too. At least the last time around it was just her who got-

*remembers the whole affair with the Zone of the Dead*

…never mind.

Anyway, so now Zarq is in deep shit (no word on what happened to the iguana, but it’s probably not feeling too crash-hot right now either), but who should show up but none other than Ghepp! She’s saved!

Or maybe not. Personally, if I were Ghepp I’d kick her ass.

Ghepp is surprised, but gives an order for Zarq to be escorted to the “stockade”. Savga, meanwhile, does the sensible thing and runs off. Bye kid! Don’t come back! Ever!

Zarq is marched away by a couple of Ghepp’s goons, and along the way she wangsts about how Savga is now in great danger, etcetera and so forth. Oe noes!

Whatever.

Zarq is locked up in a room in the palace, where she wangsts some more until Ghepp shows up. He says he would have thought she’d be more intelligent. Afraid not, Ghepp; you haven’t known the twit as long as I’ve had the displeasure. The two of them bicker, and Zarq tries to pull the “I’m totally the Skykeeper’s Daughter” card, but this doesn’t work as Ghepp reveals that actually the thing is now working for his brother, who’s used it for his own purposes.

Guess you should’ve killed him when you got the chance, Zarq.

Zarq tries to convince Ghepp that’s all just “propaganda”, but Ghepp calls her bluff and demands she summon the Skykeeper now, because they need it. Zarq bullshits that she can’t because she’s shared her ability with Gen and can only do it when he’s with her. Ghepp snorts that that’s awfully convenient (which it is) because Gen isn’t around. Then he has Zarq thrown in a cell.

Wow, so Ghepp never had any intention of helping you out and just sees you as a tool, Zarq? What a shock.

In the cell, Zarq helpfully summarises the entire trilogy so far:

“Gloom.

Darkness.

Gloom.

Darkness.

More gloom and more darkness.”

I feel like I’m reading the world’s worst Emo poem.

Four days drag by in which – you guessed it – nothing happens. Zarq keeps moaning about how she needs venom so bad. Eventually a guard shows up. Typically of Fantasy Dungeon Guards, he’s a) Not working with a partner, and b) A stupid unwashed thug. He offers Zarq some meat in exchange for sticking his meat in her mouth. For some reason she’s prepared to give him what he wants, even though she hasn’t been described as so desperate for food that she’s prepared to do anything. In fact she hasn’t even been described as hungry.

So, yes, she goes down on him, and apparently his wiener smells like seaweed. Lovely. Zarq has melodramatic thoughts about how the person she “valued” had gone from her when she led Savga into danger, so now she’s not really there and it isn’t really her whoring herself for a snack. Because it’s not as if she’s done things ten times more degrading twice before breakfast every day for years. It’s a bit late to be having a personal crisis now of all times. I’d maybe buy it if she was doing this for venom being as she’s a Tragic Addict and all, but otherwise, no.

Either way Zarq has a sudden change of mind, and bites the guy right on the wang. Ouch! He loses his shit, as you’d expect, and she hits him over the head with the water jug and makes a break for it. She makes it out of there and is all prepared to run off entirely, but then she has a moment of clarity and decides that no, from now on she won’t be governed by her fears any more! No more half measures! From now on she makes her own rules! Her “nefarious temper” will be her strength, her “impossible dreams” her guide, and now more will she listen to the venom cravings!

Yeah, you go, girl!

Wait, we’re 138 pages into the third book of a trilogy. Why is this moment of psyching herself up to get things done happening now?

Might I add, the last time she decided to stop lying around and Get Things Done, it ended with the entire Zone of the Dead burned down, losing her (alleged) best friend, and copping a sword in the back. And now it’s apparently time for Round Two.

This can’t end well.