antishurtugal_reborn | Forged By Fire Sporking: Part Twelve

Chapter Twelve: It Looks Like Life Is Going Well For You. Let’s Fix That.

The next chapter opens with Zarq – ugh – dancing with Savga. Everyone’s partying because they’ve hatched their first bull. Tansan dances as well, and looks like a total babe (again), and Zarq dances with her. It’s like something out of a Beyoncé video. But just then, guess who shows up?

It’s Longstride and the Djimbi, here to put a damper on everyone’s day. They want to talk, and someone runs off to fetch a guy who can speak their language. He shows up along with Not-Chinion and Malaban. It turns out Zarq allegedly promised the tribe one bull and one yearling. Which is total bullshit, because she can’t speak their language and couldn’t promise them jack shit. These guys are such jerks. And what possible use could they have for a pair of dragons when they’re jungle nomads anyway?

An argument breaks out, and just then Mother Bling freaks the fuck out and starts screaming. Why? Because the Skykeeper has just shown up. It comes swooping down on everybody while they all run for cover, but Zarq stays put alongside Tansan. The Skykeeper starts wrecking the place, destroying buildings and such, and then flies off.

In the aftermath it turns out a bunch of people have died in the wreckage, including Snail Eyes (who will be sorely missed, I’m sure). While everyone wails and moans like a professional mourner, Zarq tells Savga to stay behind and flies off with Malabar to the “messenger byre”. They find Ghepp and give him the bad news, and it turns out he has some of his own: Gen is still missing, and the “dying” dragonmaster somehow didn’t die, but has stolen a dragon and flown off with it after murdering a servant who got in his way. Of course we all know exactly what he’s going to do: he’s going to fly to Xxamer Zu and try to kill Tansan, and he’ll probably succeed, because that’s how it goes in these things.

They get into yet another bitchfight – on finding out that it was Kratt who sent the Skykeeper Ghepp wants to give Zarq to him (what will that accomplish?) and when she yells that he’s not after her any more because he thinks she’s been sent elsewhere, Ghepp orders his guys to – what else? – lock her up. Thank all that’s holy this doesn’t actually happen, and Malaban actually stands up for her. Finally Malaban takes charge of the situation and has both Zarq and Ghepp kicked out while they decide what to do.

Zarq is taken back to the village under armed guard, and the place is in a shambles. She hangs out with Tansan and Savga and Savga’s unimportant baby brother, while they all angst about the tragic death of Snail Eyes, which I don’t care about because I barely knew the woman other than that she had really creepy eyes. Tansan confides that some of her guys are going to steal an old female dragon and hide her in the jungle, so they can make their own bull dragon in secret. She bitterly adds that the uprising is now in the hands of the nobles, but Zarq wants her to help one last time by putting some Djimbi elders on the rebel council.

After this Malaban shows up, and declares that they won’t be giving any dragons to Longstride and the rest of her lot, because there’s no proof they had anything to do with finding the MacGuffin. Zarq, who earlier didn’t want to give them squat, protests that it’s the truth (shut up, Zarq). Some soldiers advance on the tribe anyway, and Mother Bling declares that if they don’t get what they want, they’ll summon the Skykeeper. Malaban doesn’t believe her, but Mother Bling has a feather from the Skykeeper someone snatched off the roof for her, and she starts making a clay figurine as Zarq’s nose randomly begins to bleed. Everyone just stands there like an idiot and does nothing to stop her, and finally Mother Bling sticks the feather into the clay statue, grabs the useless Zarq, and drips some of her blood onto the statue.

Now Tansan and Malaban try to do something, far too late. The statue turns into Zarq’s dear departed mother. Zarq tries to reason with her, but Mummy Darling just yells that Zarq is a threat to Waivia’s safety, and she knows this because Waivia told her so. Zarq is outraged and says it’s a lie. Thank goodness Malaban turns out to have some damn common sense, as he steps forward and swears a “blood truth” that the tribe can have what they want. Mumsy starts to fade, and Zarq begs her not to kill the children, promising that no-one will hurt Waivia. Mummy insists that she has to “submit” to Waivia. Zarq says she can’t promise that for everyone else, but she’ll do it herself. Mummy then starts talking like a Ra’zac, saying this isssn’t good enough, but finally says that she won’t return “unlesss Waivia enters thiss Clutch”. If she does, then she’ll protect her come what may.

That’s not going to end well.

Either way Mother Bling is satisfied, so she destroys the statue and the ghost disappears. And I’m still not buying it that these guys were taken over by the Evil White Guys if they have the power to pull shit like this. I mean really.

The chapter ends with Zarq fainting for the zillionth time. Good to have you on the team, Z.

The next chapter opens with Anachronism #500,000, as Zarq spends the next few days in an assembly line making “incendiary shells” out of clay. Yes, really. The shells even have “chambers”. The rebels also make special limited edition collectible Great Uprising banners with an emblem of “a burning yellow crown stitched upon bolts of plum-coloured cloth”. When did this turn into Medieval England?

Apparently the shells will be bundled up in nets, tied to the bellies of rebel “destriers”, and dropped from the air. Yup, on top of everything else we’re now getting WW2 style air raids. Author’s not even trying to disguise it.

Zarq tries to talk some Djimbi elders into joining the council, and fails, but Tansan manages to make it happen. Zarq is pissy because she’s doing lowly grunt work instead of helping to care for the “neonate” bulls. She was totally fine doing lowly grunt work in the last few chapters – why start whining now? Oh, it’s because if she works with the bulls she’ll just get straight back on the venom and “plunge into addiction like an anchor dropped down into the sea”.

She then goes on to tell the reader how war is coming and she’s all scared, and everyone’s on edge. Telling, telling and more telling – I’m really feelin’ it now. Everyone pays extra attention to the kiddies because Children Are the Future, etc. etc. Zarq gets a special medicine from the herbalist lady whose name I never bothered to note down. It’s meant to treat the venom withdrawal and is made from “the gizzards of a boar and the roots of the evernight plant, laced with toxins from the blister toad and shavings from a gharial’s tooth”.

Hey – thegharialguy – I think your dentist has been selling your teeth on the black market, bro.

Unfortunately the medication has side effects, as it makes Zarq clumsy and slow. Adorable Savga, who by the way has still received zero character development beyond being an annoying “cute” kid, takes care of her, and tells people she’s ill because of a difficult pregnancy.

Zarq explains to the reader that in fact the medicine is starting to weaken the anti-Djimbi spell and “the real me” is starting to emerge. She doesn’t realise this until she gets into a bitch fight with the herbalist, who accuses her of not taking her meds. Zarq says she is and they’re just not strong enough. Finally the herbalist says she’ll mix up a stronger batch, whereupon Zarq realises it’s unravelling the spell. Eventually she’ll get to know her real self at last! Because apparently the spell didn’t just disguise her skin colour? It’s the first I’ve heard of it. She keeps teaching people partly because she just plain needs the distraction, and that actually is a good tactic when you’re not feeling well and/or dealing with substance abuse issues.

Xxamer Zu now has not one but fifteen bulls, which is pretty impressive. Not that we’ve actually seen any of them yet. Their presence draws even more recruits to the cause, a lot of them powerful and important.

Yes of course this is told rather than shown.

One day Zarq goes by the cocoon warehouse, where she bumps into Tansan. Tansan is looking well and has finally pulled the stick out of her arse where Zarq is concerned. She confides that the stolen female dragon has now formed a cocoon of her own, and soon the commoner rebels will have a bull of their own. She adds that soon Clutch Re and Clutch Cuhan, the Clutches Kratt and Waivia control, will march on Xxamer Zu. Zarq asks after Chinion, who still hasn’t shown up (or has he?), and Tansan says he’ll return any minute now. Sure he will.

After this the news of the impending attack spreads fast, and everyone gets ready. In Liru (or is it Lirah?) the commoners apparently storm a bunch of shops and warehouses while chanting “the Votive”. What’s the Votive and where did it come from? Good question, and the answer is I have no idea, because this is literally the first time it’s come up.

Here it is for your displeasure:

In the chambers of Lireh’s heart, the spider is spinning now,

And the owl hoots above the emptiness that was once filled by daronpius

The webs will not be swept away!

Try chanting that. Flows just like a river of bricks, don’t it? When your Inspirational Chant reminds the reader of Pratchett’s “the significant owl hoots in the night”, you’ve got problems.

Rallying chants need to be short, simple, rhythmic and easy to remember. For example, when I marched in support of same sex marriage, this is what we chanted:

“Hey hey! Ho ho! Homophobia has got to go!”

See? Nice and easy, you can pick it up in ten seconds flat, and it goes well with the rhythm of marching feet.

The more powerful Clutches react by sending in lots of dragon riders to deal with the problem (no we don’t get to see it). Rumours go about that the Imperial regiment (wait, there’s an Imperial regiment? Slow down!) is being haunted by “a band of rebels known as the Black Sixty”. And now I’m just being reminded of George R R Martin’s fancily-named gangs of marauders. Where are the Brave Companions and the Brotherhood Without Banners, eh?

Blah blah blah, lots of exciting stuff happening off-screen, Zarq keeps teaching people while not being involved in the main plot in the slightest. Finally Kratt’s “infantry” reaches Xxamer Zu, and the rebels “strafe” them with bomber dragons. On the third night “enemy squadrons” wipe them all out.

And now the book has officially turned into a WW2 drama. What the actual fuck.

Kratt gets closer. Soon Waivia will be on Xxamer Zu soil, and then the haunt will wipe everyone out.

Attempted tension levels: 100.

Actual tension levels: Zero.

Zarq keeps making “shells” (STOP THAT), and then Tansan shows up saying the leaders have zero plans for dealing with the alleged Skykeeper, and have in fact deliberately kept the Djimbi elders out of it.

Apparently the rebel leaders are a bunch of fucking idiots. And Chinion still hasn’t shown up. Zarq realises that, yet again, she’s put her hopes into the hands of a pack of lying incompetent nimrods who’ve screwed her over. Just like when she trusted Ghepp to help her win ownership of the Clutch in the first place.

Zarq “grimly” declares that she’ll do “something” to fix the situation (such as?), and Tansan tells her to fuck off to the “stockade” and take the kiddies with her. Zarq agrees, then storms off to find Malaban. Zarq demands to know why they haven’t done anything about the Skykeeper, and he answers that he’s just an advisor and the rest of them think the Skykeeper is a load of hooey. Zarq insists on being taken to whoever’s really in charge, and he finally caves in.

She’s taken to some sort of meeting room – let’s call it the War Room – where there are a bunch of guys she hasn’t met before. Typical Zarq, she starts yelling about how they have to do something about the Skykeeper. One of them shows her a picture of Waivia and asks if it’s her. They then ask what would happen if they took the woman prisoner without hurting her. Zarq answers that the Skykeeper is completely insane and will attack anyway. Naturally they move on to thinking they’d better kill her. Zarq answers that if they do that the Skykeeper will destroy everything, and they have to consult the pure-blooded Djimbi, because only they know how to handle it.

The leaders agree and are about to summon the elders, but just then Zarq hears a magical Djimbi chant and look who it is! None other than Gen! He’s in a bad way, covered in “welts” and with an eye gouged out.

But shock of shocks – the leaders all know him! And… well what do you know, I was wrong. Tansan’s random follower wasn’t Chinion at all.

Gen is.

Well that was a completely pointless plot twist. Gen and Chinion were the same person all along. So flipping what?

Anyway, so Gen has found out some rather important information: the “Skykeeper” isn’t a Skykeeper at all; it’s just a deranged ghost thingy. Zarq asks that if she’s not the Skykeeper’s Daughter, what is she, and he replies “remarkable”.

Zarq? Remarkable? Hahah, it is to laugh.

Gen/Chinion tells them that the fake Skykeeper isn’t immortal and can be stopped, but they still have to find out who the real Skykeeper’s Daughter is because the prophecy says she’s supposed to show up: Zafinar was/katan, bar i’shem efru mildon safa dir palfent, translation “the Skykeeper’s Daughter is present the day the efru mildron clash, on the field soon to be marked by talon and blood”.

Oh come on, that’s so vague it could mean anything.

Uselessly vague prophecies aside, Gen declares that Waivia must die. For some reason Zarq cares about this and protests that it’s not fair because “she has a baby” and is “a mother, a woman”.

So flipping what? Bitch, she’s in command of a deranged bird demon thingy which has already killed an old woman you supposedly cared about. She herself has made it abundantly clear that she neither loves nor cares about you, and just wants you out of her way. And let’s not forget that you yourself spent your entire frigging life actively fighting against lifting a finger to find her, instead doggedly insisting she was dead just to get yourself off the proverbial hook.

Either way the rest of them care even less than I do what Zarq thinks, and the chapter ends with Gen declaring that Waivia must die.

Why isn’t he the protagonist? It sure as hell sounds like he’s been doing way more interesting stuff than Zarq has for the last five odd chapters. Or ever.

Well, this is it, gang. Just one more instalment to go and we're done. How will it all end? Will Kratt get his comeuppance? Will Zarq actually do something useful to the plot? Will "adorable" Savga get slowly eaten alive by piranhas? (Only in my daydreams, sadly). Stay tuned...