antishurtugal_reborn | Murtagh Spork: Part 2 Chapter 14

Chinook flew away from the cave where she and the Epistler had been made to listen to the voice of their fears, with relief and also resentment. She had of course felt her partner’s fear and despair as strongly as her own, and it enraged her now that their guide had so casually sent them there. And for what?

‘Haven’t got a clue,’ said the Epistler, sensing her thoughts. She felt and sounded weary.

‘If he doesn’t explain himself when we find him, I’ll bite him in half.’

‘Isn’t that a bit much?’

‘Not for me.’ Chinook flapped a few times to steady herself. ‘For now, hold on. A storm is coming.’

Well great, here we fucking go again with this chapter “Duel of Twits” I mean wits I mean… no, I definitely mean twits. A favourite bad movie critic of mine once remarked that you cannot have a battle of wits when both parties are unarmed, and I’m in full agreement.

Having decided to let Obvious Bad News Lyreth hustle him away for no reason, Morontagh continues to allow the guy to call the shots as he is “hurried” through the streets. Which he tries his best to memorise in case he has to run through them later on. A scenario that would not be presenting itself as a possibility if you’d just told Lyreth to fuck off and left the city. Like why is Morontagh trusting him, even just a little bit? He already knows the guy is bad news, and it’s been previously stated that he only trusts Thorn!

But nope, got to throw in this pointless little interlude which will eat up at least two chapters for no reason.

Anyway, he gets taken to “a small stone house” in case you care. The area around it gets described including a useless aside about a rooster and a “candlemaker’s shop”. Will any of this be important? If you said yes, then I just laughed in your face, harhar.

Lyreth unlocks the door and tells him to get in quickly, whereupon we get this ridiculous bit:

Wary—and somewhat curious—Murtagh entered. As dangerous as the situation was, his desire to know was stronger than his sense of self-preservation. How were the former members of Galbatorix’s nobility surviving? In a different set of circumstances, he knew he would have been the one hiding like a rabbit trying to escape a hungry hawk.

For fuck’s sake. I’m just gonna go with bullet points on this one.

Murtagh has always been defined at least in part by the fact that self-preservation has been one of his greatest concerns from day one. He doesn’t take unnecessary risks because he’s so bent on staying alive. Yet now he’s suddenly doing this bullshit?
HOW is this situation “dangerous”? The undead guards don’t even seem to be here any more! And in any case, YOU’RE A RIDER. Not one single person in this fucking city poses the slightest threat to you!
Lyreth is “hiding like a rabbit”, eh? So how does that square with him openly walking around in the city streets, not wearing a disguise and surrounded by guards who stink of rotting meat? Come on.
And finally, why do you even fucking care?

Why is Morontagh now obsessively prying and curious to the point of constantly trying to get himself killed? When was he EVER like this before? Christ on a cracker.

Oh, and the fact that Lyreth is making him hurry like this is so suspicious it would have sent anyone with half a brain running in the opposite direction. But then Morontagh does not have a brain.

We now get a big fat description of the very ostentatious interior of this place, all of which screams “I’M RICH” and further adds to the pure ridiculousness of the idea that Lyreth is somehow in hiding. Along with a gold and silver “chandelier” which doesn’t fit the time period. You know, again. And “silken tapestries” in a “beautifully decorated dining hall”. Just how “small” is this “small stone house” if it has this and a “marble staircase”?

Lyreth invites Morontagh to sit down, and he realises the table has thirteen chairs and gets all spooked because OBVIOUSLY that means the thirteen Forsworn once sat in them. I mean, of course. You’d have to be an idiot not to figure that one out.

And then comes a continuity error!

He took off his bedroll and set it down by the table, close at hand.

Where the fuck was that thing during the whole rigmarole down in the catacombs? How the fuck was he fighting with it on his back and all the rest of it? And if he was in such a hurry to get out of there ASAP why did he insist on bringing it with him? This makes no fucking sense! He didn’t even need to take it into the city in the first place!

I’m pretty sure he’s going to lose it for good in the near future anyway, thus rendering its entire existence pointless. Also has anyone else noticed that, unlike Eragon, Morontagh keeps losing his possessions instead of only getting more of them? It’s a weird parallel.

Morontagh asks what this place is, and is told it’s a place of safety. The guards suddenly exist again and are told to leave except for two who post themselves by the door, and Lyreth explains that Formora (yes, that Formora) had this place made “as a sanctuary from Galbatorix if ever the need arose” and also as a private meeting place for the Forsworn. Gosh, so Morontagh was right about those chairs after all!

Nice retcon, Paolini, and never mind that this makes no fucking sense for a number of reasons. One of which is where the fuck did they keep their dragons parked while they were here?

We also get a random infodump about Formora and how EEEEVIL she was, including a bit about how she liked to slowly dismember people. I see the old problem of the villains just not being evil enough to be credible as villains has now been replaced by this sort of over-the-top SUPER EVILNESS told to us after the fact. On this occasion along with another stab at Galby and how he was just the WORST U GIZE.

Galbatorix’s followers—willing or otherwise—were hardly known for their cooperative nature, and the king had encouraged their backstabbing and bloody machinations with often undisguised glee.

Because he was, like, SO EVIL AND SHIT. God this is childish.

Paolini, Galby is fucking dead. He’s been dead for at least a year. It’s miles beyond too fucking late to try and make him look properly evil and build him up as a villain. You already blew it in the Cycle and this is not going to fix that. But of course retcons have always been his go-to when something doesn’t make sense, and he’s only gotten worse at it.

I’m already really tired of the dumping on Galby crap. Like stop beating the literally dead horse, will you?

Also, there’s an absolutely typical but still glaring omission here: we get this huge paragraph all about how evil Formora was, but what about her dragon? You know, the dragon she was mentally/emotionally/magically linked to? The dragon that made her a RIDER? Okay we can’t be told the poor thing’s name because of that absolutely horrible Banishing of Names warcrime, but we still could have been told what colour they were, male, female or enby, what they were like. But nope. There is not one single mention of it. Apparently, telling us about Formora’s fondness for “candied fruits” was ranked as more important in Paolini’s mind. And that just fucking says it all, doesn’t it? I couldn’t come up with a more glaring example of the fact that this guy who loves dragons so much couldn’t give two short shits about the dragons he’s allegedly writing about. That they’re just hero/villain accessories/powerup tokens and nothing more. He didn’t even stop to consider where the Forsworn dragons even were while their Riders were cosying up in this little hideaway of theirs.

Some fancy food arrives including “aspic” in case you care, and Morontagh goes all “sweet, rich people food, I’m all nostalgic for the flavours of my childhood”. The childhood in which he somehow managed to be super spoilt and a miserable abused woobie nobody liked at the same time. Talk about wanting to have your honeycake and eat it.

He does at least have the sense to stop and think oh wait what if this stuff is poisoned, but when the obviously untrustworthy Lyreth tells him it’s totally okay he… believes him and eats, followed by unnecessary descriptions of how nice it tastes. Because lest we forget the fact that Paolini is obsessed with food.

Lyreth explains how his family bought this place a while ago to use as a refuge. What, and now you’re openly barging in through the front entrance where anyone could see you doing it? And bought it from who?

Morontagh, now firmly in the Moron part of his new name, self-indulgently drinks some of the expensive wine while thinking about the vintage and then thanks him before noticing that Lyreth looks unwell. And then this happens.

Seeing him the worse for wear was the source of some satisfaction for Murtagh, although, despite himself, he empathized with Lyreth and the difficulties he must have faced since Galbatorix’s fall. It couldn’t be easy, living every day in fear of being caught out.

“Caught out”?! The dude is fucking begging to be noticed everywhere he goes!

Instead of dwelling on this, we move on with an exchange about Mr Fishy and we get some rubbish about how this is “a duel for information” and Morontagh can totally take him because “I have his measure”. This is followed by an infodump about how he knew Lyreth and the other sons of high nobles at court and how Galby’s court was super fraught with lots of plotting, and how the other boys saw him as “a figure of scorn and ridicule” and bullied him at every opportunity… even though it’s stated that they all knew he was being “groomed for power” by the King and were afraid of him! And yet there was no retaliation from Galby? And none of them feared that there would be any? Or that once he was given said power Morontagh would teach them all a lesson? Or at the very least not be interested in doing them any favours? Seriously? Someone in Young Morontagh’s position is someone other nobles would be sucking up to, not picking on!

This is also supposed to be us seeing another side of Morontagh, ie the nobleman who’s all savvy about politics and intrigue and shit. Which doesn’t work and feels out of character because Paolini waited too long to show it. At no point in any previous book has Morontagh ever used this skill. He didn’t do this when trying to get information out of Eragon on their first meeting. He didn’t use his negotiation/manipulation skills later on when he was being held captive by the Varden, or when he and Eragon talked later on, with Eragon trying to persuade him to change his entire personality or lie down and let himself die. Instead he just acted like an angry teenager. So this is bullshit and comes out of nowhere, and only adds to the ongoing feeling that we’re not reading about Murtagh at all.

As for Lyreth himself, Morontagh thinks about how he only has bad memories of him. We get two long descriptions of those, which I’ll spare you other than to mention that Lord Barst gets thrown in because what the hell. Well and also the second memory is that Lyreth and his friends beat the shit out of him when he was fifteen for no reason. Morontagh never forgave him.

Oh and also nobody ever bothered to acknowledge it when it was his birthday.

Boohoo, poor wickle Morontagh had such a sad sad childhood please feel sorry for him. This is so goddamn manipulative and I hate it. I’m even feeling a spiteful urge to start recounting some of my sad childhood memories just because, like the time when a gang of other kids tried to crush me to death with a display board, pinning me up against the wall while they all pushed and I was fucking terrified and I still have nightmares about being trapped that way-

Wait, you don’t want to hear me wallowing in self-pity over my sad backstory? What’s wrong with you? Bah.

Having done this Morontagh then goes back to sort of feeling sorry for Lyreth and asks after his father Thaven. Lyreth reacts poorly to this, which pleases Morontagh because he’s fucking bipolar now, and then they talk about how the Empire was bound to fall eventually but BAWW it didn’t have to happen in their lifetimes did it?

Yeah, well, I feel the same way about… y’know. *gestures at everything*

Then Lyreth asks about Galby’s death and is it true Morontagh was there? Morontagh says yes. Lyreth asks how did it happen, and we get this unbelievably offensive bit.

The man’s gaze flicked toward him from under bloodless lids. His eyes were grey blue, like distant thunderheads [THUNDERHEADS ARE WHITE, STUPID]. “How was it done? I’ve heard conflicting accounts.”

“With kindness.”

“You mock me.”

“Not at all.”

A faint frown formed on Lyreth’s brow. “Him? Kindness? That’s pre—”

[snip]

Not for the first time, Murtagh reflected on the fact that if he had been in Eragon’s place, he wouldn’t have thought to force empathy on Galbatorix. It wasn’t part of his nature. Perhaps that was a failing of his—Murtagh was willing to admit it was—but he didn’t feel that his lack of charity toward Galbatorix was wrong, not given what the king had done to him and Thorn.

I-

...I…

I just… fucking… can’t.

Part of me wants to go off on a massive rant, but another part is just sunk too far into despair to have the energy to even get angry.

Perhaps it’ll be best if I just say this: Paolini has just told us that what Eragon did to Galby was “kind” and showed “charity”. That what he did to him, by forcing him to experience unbelievable mental anguish such that he KILLED HIMSELF was doing a good thing which was kind and helpful to the guy. Like how the fuck does anyone reach that conclusion? After we saw the guy screaming in horror and begging to “make it stop”, which Eragon reacted to by coldly shaking his head?

Screaming and begging for the pain to end means you’ve just been done a kindness? And then killing yourself when the person who inflicted the agony on you refuses to show mercy – that also means you’ve been done a kindness? All of that is a good thing?

Really?

...really?

No, REALLY?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh, and I sure as hell didn’t miss the almost as disgusting implication that Eragon is a nicer person than Morontagh. *spits*

Just to rub it in, Morontagh just casually eats a mini pie and enjoys the flavour and it’s just dropped like it wasn’t anything all that important. You vile, evil little shit.

Lyreth asks him what he’s been up to, saying there’s rumours all over the place of magic only a Rider is capable of casting. Like what? Morontagh barely uses magic.

Morontagh dabs himself off with a “fine linen napkin” and those didn’t fucking exist in medieval times either. Also he has “stubble” now. That was quick. He gives an evasive answer and asks about Lyreth’s family, pointing out that someone’s going to realise who he is eventually and he should just surrender because Nausea “does show mercy on occasion”, emphasis not added. Accurate, but fucking hell, Paolini. Did you just finally come out and admit that she’s a merciless piece of shit?

Lyreth scornfully dismisses her as a pretender with no noble blood (then why did people keep calling her “Lady Nasuada” while she was just the leader of the Varden?). He adds that this state of affairs can’t continue and that a lot of surviving nobles are busy gathering power and such, ready for the right moment. He asks is Morontagh doing something similar, which Morontagh arrogantly dismisses. We also learn that rebellions led by Hamlin and Tharos failed and that Hamlin ended up with his head on a pike (see? Nausea is SO much better than Galby!) while Tharos has been thrown in a dungeon for life. In case you even remember who either of those people are.

Lyreth ignores the put-down and points out that Morontagh could take the throne pretty easily. Morontagh says do you really want to go back to having an immortal king and Lyreth says it’d be better than this crap. If Murtagh hadn’t been turned into Morontagh, he probably would make quite a good king. As it is, no.

Of course Lyreth and the other nobles just want to back Morontagh’s theoretical power grab because that would put them back on top, but he does correctly bring up the fact that Nausea is powerless against Arya (and he’s likewise correct in calling it nonsense that Arya is also queen of the elves), and that Eragon is also a threat who will soon have a bunch of other Riders at his beck and call and who could possibly stand against them either other than Morontagh?

And he’s right, too. With that stupid tyrant Nausea on the throne, among other things, the humans are completely screwed. And we all know neither Eragon nor Arya are going to do a damn thing to help them. Once the Riders come back, so does the tyranny Galby overthrew which, intentionally or not, set the humans free. They absolutely need a champion, and as their protector against the Varden Morontagh would be the perfect candidate.

Of course, that would be too interesting and would also mean having a sequel that builds on previously established conflict instead of wandering off into some inane made up after the fact “threat” that has nothing to do with anything, so Morontagh says no. Why? Because it would mean solidifying this whole “I am a betrayer” bullshit and also oh he couldn’t possibly do that to Nausea because she trusts him and everything, wah! Because he’s still under the delusion that she actually cares about him and wasn’t just using him like the manipulative asshole she is.

So he instantly drops the idea and instead of replying shows Lyreth the bird skull amulet. Well one of them, anyway. Lyreth examines it without giving anything away, and Morontagh instantly thinks of trying to mindrape the information out of him. Assuming there is any. Because he’s a Paotagonist now, so therefore the only reason he doesn’t do it is because oh, Lyreth will take it as an attack and also has really strong mental defences rather than “no that would be WRONG”.

He decides Lyreth and his family are a big threat to Nausea and decides to go ahead with “a barrage of mental violence”, and yes that is the term Paolini uses.

Then Lyreth just says no he’s got no idea where the bird skull came from and puts it down before pressing him on the “are you gonna become king or not?” issue, adding that if Morontagh doesn’t go for it then Nausea’s magical Gestapo will “hunt you down like a rabid dog”. Because, you know, it’s not as if Morontagh has a FUCKING DRAGON or anything.

Morontagh says forget it and “I walk alone” and he answers to no man blah blah blah noble lone wanderer bullshit. He vows to find out what Lyreth and co. are up to (um, duh? He just told you?). Whereupon Lyreth hits a button hidden in the table – yes, really, is this a Bond movie now? – and Morontagh falls through a hidden trapdoor.

Wait. This isn’t a Bond movie. It’s fucking Austin Powers!

Seriously. He’s sitting at a table, the villain hits a secret button, and he instantly falls through a trapdoor to his presumed death. What’s next? Are we going to hear Morontagh down there saying “I’m alive but I’m very badly burned!” followed by “You shot me right in the arm!”?

When an author is going for a big dramatic cliffhanger but instead reminds you of Will Ferrell doing a ridiculous accent, you know he’s screwed up big time.

End chapter. Oh no is Morontagh alive but very badly burned or will this whole thing go fucking nowhere?

Chinook bucked against the wind as the storm tried to toss her around. She’d been too slow to land, and now it had both of them in its grip. The wind was freezing too, and dangerously so. Epistler had had to cast a spell to keep herself warm, and Chinook spat a ball of flame in a mostly vain attempt at fending off the chill. By now the rain had turned into swirling snowflakes, and her scales were beginning to ice up.

Worse, she had no idea where they were. Their guide had vanished.

‘We’re screwed!’ The Epistler sounded more exasperated than scared.

‘This is definitely worse than falling through a trapdoor,’ Chinook muttered back. She peered into the darkness, and finally spotted it. There, a golden crescent of moon. It was visible enough that she could use it as a guide. Her wings were aching now.

Then the wind began to die down and the going got easier. And there it was, rising in front of them, glittering in the night.

Another dragon. Already they were making mental contact.

‘I know the way! Follow me! Hurry!’

The Epistler shifted her position in the saddle. ‘Oh thank the gods.’

Chinook swooped toward the other dragon. ‘My thanks! But where are we going?’

As the storm began to abate at last, it began to appear in front of them. A great, dark shape, rising from a desolate landscape where smoke rose against the reappearing stars.

The other dragon’s reply was short and grim. ‘That is where you must go…’

Murtagh Spork: Part 2 Chapter 14 - Duel Of Wits

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