antishurtugal_reborn | TSiaSoS Spork: Part 2, Chapter 10: "Darmstadt"

Entry tags:

TSiaSoS Spork: Part 2, Chapter 10: "Darmstadt"

So, I’m back. I don’t remember why I chose this chapter. I do know that I want to rip this chapter a new one. I also wish I had a physical copy of this book so I could use it for kindling.

This chapter is called Darmstadt because of the name of the ship our characters are going to. However, the first thing I notice is that “stadt” is german for city. For fun, I looked up the definition of “darm”, and one of them was… bowel. Yep, the ship is called Bowel City. Enjoy.

From the Wallfish airlock, Falconi led Kira into a tunnel that burrowed through the rocky asteroid that Malpert was built on and in. They’d floated halfway around the circumference of the station before Kira realized they weren’t going to enter the rotating hab-ring closer to the center.

This is rather boring. I mean seriously, I can’t picture her surroundings. I don’t know what to worry about, and I don’t even know what Kira expects. Which is a shame, because space settings are ripe for novelty. Novelty is an essential component of all stories, because the unusual and unfamiliar are the things that draw us in. It provides interest in the setting, which makes for a fun reading experience.

For example, Percy Jackson and the Olympians has novelty. It is a series that is about Greek Gods in America. It has the entrance to the underworld in L. A., a pen that turns into a sword, Medusa owning a garden emporium (with statues). It keeps us interested.

This does not. Here’s how I would rewrite this:

The airlock doors opened with a hiss, and Kira floated through them into a circular tunnel. The tunnel was made of a white material, and bored into the asteroid itself. Kira used handholds along it to propel herself after Falconi. She flew down the tunnel at high speed, passing scorch marks from the battle. She shivered. If the Jellies had collapsed the tunnel, well, hopefully they wouldn't be able to withstand many tons of rock.

They passed a large door that led to the rotating center, and Kira turned toward it before realizing that Falconi was still moving.

I know it’s not great, but it does describe more of the surroundings in an active way. I think I’ve earned this: THERE, I FIXED IT.

So Falconi tells Kira that Captain Akawe wants to meet on the Darmstadt, probably because it’s extra secure. Which is pretty stupid since if I wanted to see someone with an out of control parasite on her, I’d definitely keep the thing the hell away from my ship.

Kira wondered if she should be worried. Then she shrugged off the concern. It didn’t matter. At least she wouldn’t be in zero-g on the Darmstadt.

Damn, I wish I had her powers of emotional regulation. Worried for a test? No problem, just turn the worry off. She must be a Vulcan or something.

They pass the aftermath of the fight, with the walls scorched, and the people there still in shock. Of course, we didn’t get to see this. Kira sees a dead alien, with three legs, and two jaws, and:

Kira moved closer, wishing she had a chip-lab, a scalpel, and a couple of uninterrupted hours to study the specimen.

This is actually one of the few times that I can relate to Kira. I also like to dissect things, and I once took home a dead whelk to dissect. It also hints that she likes this job. Falconi stops her, saying that they should get to the meeting.

“Yeah…” Kira turned away from the corpse. All she wanted to do was her job, and the universe kept conspiring to prevent it. Fighting wasn’t her thing; she wanted to learn.

Uhh, fighting isn’t your thing. Which is why you IMMEDIATELY JUMPED TO THE KILL when you first saw a Jelly, and you have killed a bunch of other Jellies. Yep.

So then why had she stabbed the Numenist? Rat bastard though he was, the man hadn’t deserved a blade to the chest.…

And once again she referees to the parasite as part of her. Honestly, this shows that Limp Dick isn’t a character in it’s own right. It’s a powerup for Kira, and that’s all it is.

They get to the Darmstadt and a Marine (Why are they still called that?) takes Falconi’s weapon. A minor character who still gets a name leads them to the office, where they wait until two marines and two officers come in.

The captain was easy to identify by the bars on his uniform. Of medium height, with dark skin and a five o’clock shadow, he had the over-stimmed look of someone who hadn’t gotten a proper sleep for several days. There was something about his face that struck Kira as being too symmetrical, too perfect, as if she were looking at a mannequin brought to life. It took her a moment to realize, the captain’s body was a construct.

How much do you want to bet that this character becomes relevant. And what’s a construct? It sounds like a robot body, but I jumped to the appendix and apparently it’s an artificially grown, organic body. It’s a bit confusing. Also, that comma does not need to be in that last sentence.

The other officer has eyes that “the deep, predatory yellow of a tigermaul’s”. This is a gene hack that allows someone to see better. I have a couple questions. First, how do you alter genes after someone’s birth? A large dose of radiation can change chromosomes, but it has a side effect of being fatal. Second, why is it called a tigermaul? Do they actually mix tiger genes in? If so, why don’t they do eagles instead? They have much better sight. Third, why are the eyes yellow? They’re obviously advanced enough to know exactly which genes cause and improve sight (which is really impressive, as genes are weird and some random allele (active version of a gene) could influence something we thought we figured out), so why can’t they keep the eyes white? It’s because Paolini thought it looked cool, probably. Credit where credit’s due, however, Paolini did expand upon the ramifications of being able to print complex organisms.

So Akawe tells them to sit and proceeds to give them a verbal thrashing. It’s about time someone did it. He’s now my favorite character in the book. He tells them that he has a ship to repair and the people from the Valkyrie to ship. Forgot about them? I did, too. He also tells them that “command” is pissed that Falconi changed course to Malpert, and says they goofed by boarding the Jelly ship. He says they have thirty seconds to convince him they’re worth listening to. Personally, I think this is a terrible idea. Wouldn’t you want to hear the full explanation of someone with an ALIEN PARASITE? But cliched bullshit I guess.

Kira says that she can understand the Jellies’ language, and shows them Limp Dick. And then she tells, well, most things.

Kira lied.

Not about everything, but—as with the crew of the Wallfish—she lied about how her friends and teammates had died on Adra, blamed it on the Jellies. It was stupid of her; if Akawe thawed out Orso or his companions and debriefed them, her lies would become obvious. But Kira couldn’t help herself. Admitting her role in the deaths, especially Alan’s, was more than she could bear to face at the moment. If nothing else, she feared it would confirm Falconi’s worst impression of her.

Quite honestly, I can understand why she’s doing this. BUT look at what she thinks! Not that it’s horrible, or wrong, or even irresponsible to lie, but that it’s stupid because she would be found out. It does say that Kira isn’t emotionally prepared to talk about it, and she doesn’t want to lose Falconi’s support. That I can empathize with. But she has a duty to tell them that Limp Dick is dangerous. It is her responsibility as a scientific professional. I may be willing to let this go IF, in the future, characters react accordingly. And if she’s not held up as “virtuous” or “heroic”, or “enlightened”. You can either have the characters make the hard choices, or you can have them treated as someone flawed. You can’t have both. Hell, I’m not even angry. I just don’t care. Epistler compared this book to a dead bee, but I have dead bees as part of my bug collection, and they’re way more interesting than To Sleep.

Kira tells them about the Staff of Blue, and the xeno’s memories. Falconi vouches for her, and FOR SOME REASON doesn’t mention stabbing the numenist. Maybe it’s because she’s saved some of his crew, but I would be confronting her about what she wants to do with that parasite for some reason. Also, didn’t she ask them to go to Malpert in the first place? If Falconi is loyal to his crew, he should want to get Kira away from them ASAP.

Kira also confirms that she knows nothing about these nightmares. Seriously? What kind of name is that? Christ, it’s like a 5 year old named these things.
Akawe quite sensibly is like “Kay, I’m not equipped to deal with this. We’ll wait till the aliens stop shooting each other, and take you to Vyyborg.” No idea why there’s 2 y’s. This is all paraphrased by the way. Kira’s like “Wait, we have to find the Staff of Blue. If the Jellies find it will be doom. DOOM I SAY.” Akawe asks what she expects him to do about it.

Kira tells him to go after the staff, because she has “a good idea of where the staff is. Personally, that wouldn’t be good enough for me. Space is a big big place where “a good idea” may mean a million miles off. Akawe then says a line that’s directly channeling this spork.

Akawe pinched the bridge of his nose, as if he had a headache. “Ma’am … I don’t know how you think the military works, but—”

YES! EXACTLY! FINALLY SOMEONE HERE SHOWS SOME SENSE aaaand it’s not gonna last long, is it?

Kira’s like “they can’t afford the possibility that I’m wrong” and this moment would’ve had more impact if we were actually SHOWN the war instead of wasting time traveling with Discount Scooby Gang. Akawe tells her that he’ll wait and see what Command says, and Kira refutes with this:

“Fine,” said Kira. She leaned forward. “But you tell them—you tell your superiors—that if they keep me here in Sixty-One Cygni, the whole system is going to be overrun. The Jellies know where I am now. You saw how they reacted when that signal went out. The only way to stop them from getting this”—she tapped her forearm—“is for me to leave the system. And if the UMC sends me to Sol, that’ll be another two weeks down the drain, and it’ll just lead a lot more Jellies to Earth.

The first thing I wonder is why there are so many dashes there. Commas would do perfectly fine. Paolini should stop abusing dashes, or else the thesaurus will get mad that Paolini’s cheating on it. This paragraph also shows how the power structure works. Sol and Earth are considered more important than the colonies. As Hidden Urchin said to me, this is a very common trope in science fiction, and more importantly, we don’t have any inkling of this aside from what Kira says. In the first book of the Expanse Series Leviathan Wakes, we see firsthand the tensions between the Belters and Earth and Mars. Belters have a whole different dialogue, and a Belter character mentions how Earthers look down on them for their different looks. (Belters are taller from growing up in a lower-gravity environment.) Here, we don’t get any of that. No one mentions how the colonies get short-changed, or are only seen as laborers, or even makes jokes about people from Sol. Kira never remarks on how “if this was Earth, people would be much more worried”. Paolini has this problem a lot. Kira tells us something about the world, but it’s never worked into the story. He replaces worldbuilding with exposition.

Kira’s argument works, and Akawe says he’ll tell them. He asks a Marine to confine Kira into a spare cabin. Then there’s a bunch of description of Kira waiting. I’m not kidding, look at this:

All she could do was wait, so wait she did.

It wasn’t easy.

She went over the conversation with Akawe six different ways, trying to figure out what else she could have said to convince him. Nothing came to mind.

Then, in the stillness and quiet of the room, the full weight of the day’s events began to settle upon her. Morning felt like it had been a week ago, so much had happened since. The Jellies, the compulsion and her response to it, Sparrow … How was the Numenist she’d stabbed? For a moment, she lingered on the thought, then bright flashes of sensations from the fights on the Jelly ship struck her, and Kira shivered, though she wasn’t cold.

She continued to shiver, the tremors locking her muscles into banded cords. The Soft Blade roiled in response, but there was nothing it could do to help, and she could feel its confusion.

Teeth chattering, Kira crawled onto the bunk and wrapped the blanket around herself. She’d always done well in emergencies. It took a lot to rattle her, but the violence had been a lot and then some. She could still feel the vomit stuck in her throat, clogging her airway. Thule! I nearly died.

But she hadn’t, and there was some comfort in the fact.

Not long after, a scared-looking crewmate delivered a tray of food. Kira pulled herself out of bed long enough to fetch the tray, and then she sat with the pillow behind her and ate, slowly at first and then with increasing speed. With each bite, she felt more normal, and when she finished, the cabin no longer seemed quite so grey or dismal.

Dear God (or Thule), we don’t need all this. Let me get out my inner editor:

In the jarring quiet of the cabin, the full weight of the day’s events crashed upon Kira. The fight with the Jelly flashed through her mind. It’s deadly spikes, the vomit choking her… She shivered. The Soft Blade pressed to her body, as if it was trying to comfort her. Small spikes grew, and with a flash of guilt, she remembered the Numenist. At least she was alive enough to feel guilty.

But if they didn’t go after the staff, she might not be. Kira went over the conversation again in her mind, trying to think of anything she might have said to change his mind.

Soon a crewmate delivered food. With a blanket wrapped around her, and a meal, Kira felt more grounded, and the cabin no longer seemed so small.

Paolini wrote 281 words, and I wrote 132. Both of them get across the same information. This seems like a small difference, but it adds up. And Paolini breaking a bunch of paragraphs doesn’t really help.

Kira thinks that she won’t get up, and reviews her options. She’s thinking of going to the highest-ranked League official, or a company rep on Malpert. Yes, I’m sure any official would want a dangerous parasite near them. Good plan, Kira. Her last resort (which should be a first resort in my opinion) is to go to the Entropists.

Thankfully, Captain Akawe feels the pull of the Plot and arrives. He tells Kira that every single Jelly is dead, which is good because the FTL jamming is gone. It’s also terrifying, since the Jellies seemed pretty good at fighting, so it must take something strong to defeat them. Of course, no one is worried about this. So why should the readers be?

Oh wait, Kira shows some emotion here! This is great! I was beginning to worry that she didn't have any.

Understanding dawned on Kira. Maybe she could finally get a message through to her family! “You picked up news from the rest of the League.” It wasn’t a question.

Yaay, she cares about others!! Low bars rule!

Akawe says that the, ugh, nightmares have been attacking everything, and “[t]he Premier has officially designated both them and the Jellies Hostis Humani Generis. Enemies of all humans. That means shoot on sight, no questions asked.”

I can think of a diplomatic solution to this, that happens to involve someone who can be a translator.

Akawe says the nightmares appeared a week ago and shows Kira a clip of them wrecking havoc. They’ve reached Earth, Mars and Venus, and have destroyed a bunch of things. The Jellies are also attacking the UMC, civilians, and even the nightmares. Hmm, maybe the Jellies and the humans could ally against the nightmares. Too bad they can’t understand each other.

Kira hopes the fighting hasn’t reached Weyland and has a weird reaction:

Kira tightened in on herself. She felt raw and hurt, vulnerable. Everything in those videos was, in a way, her fault. “Do you know what’s happening at Weyland?”

I don’t even know how one would “tighten in” on themselves. Is Kira constricting like a snake? I’m going to imagine Kira as a snake. Snake Kira is much more entertaining.

Akawe says he doesn’t really know what’s happening at Weyland, but everything’s bad. At this rate, the Jellies and nightmares are going to win. Humanity’s in danger and Kira's the only hope. After a third of the book, the plot is FINALLY kicking in. It’s about damn time. And then there’s some PG-13 rated cursing.

Akawe leaned forward, a strange, hard gleam in his eyes. “Our sister vessel, the Surfeit of Gravitas, blew up the last of the nightmares in this system exactly twenty-five minutes ago. Just before the nightmares got blasted to kingdom come, do you know what those pestilent, dick-skinned aliens did?”

Dick-skinned? What kind of insult is that? It’s making me have a really weird image, so thanks for that, Paolini. I hereby decree that we call these Paoinsults. We already have Paoetry and Paotagonists.

Back to the book. The nightmares played an eeeevil broadcast. Hear it and despair!

Again with the “madness”. Reeeal sensitive, Paolini. For the three gazillionth time. And this isn’t scary at all. It’s melodramatic. Oooh, some aliens said some scary words. The most frightening thing about this is it seems that Paolini’s going to abuse the word “maw” to no end.

So Kira asks if these were bioengineered, and Akawe predictably says no. Kira wonders if the Jellies think the humans are responsible for this war because the nightmares are using English. No, I’m not kidding. She somehow concludes this with less than a SHRED of evidence. And of course we know this conclusion will be 100% correct. She also comes to the conclusion that the nightmares have been watching the humans.

Akawe agrees, and finally gets to the point of his conversation. The Admiral wants to communicate with Earth before doing anything drastic, and he doesn’t agree. He says he’s thinking of going after the Staff of Blue, and he wants some actual proof, and rightfully brings up that the suit could be messing with Kira’s brain. Finally. This character is one of the only logical people here. For now.

To get the proof he needs, Akawe opens his wrist to show the wires within. It gives Kira discomfort on a “visceral level”. All right, I’m just going to stop pointing out the emotionless description. We don’t have enough time for that, and I’m starting to sound like a broken record. The thing is, Paolini wrote 300,000 words, but couldn’t use any of them to make his characters feel real.

Akawe reveals his plan, which is… You know what? I’ll just quote it to you guys. This has to be seen to be believed.

As he fished out a line from inside his own forearm, the captain said, “This is a direct neural uplink, same as we use in implants, which means it’s analog, not digital. If the xeno can interface with your nervous system, then it ought to be able to do the same with me.”

I just… I can’t. Hooking yourself to a dangerous parasite? Kira even says that it could take over his brain. Aren’t there any other ways to do this? Getting on to a jelly ship? Waiting for the ACTUAL ADMIRAL’S decision. ARE YOU MADE OF STUPID? WHAT THE ACTUAL BLEEPING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

So he does it, there’s some false tension where Kira is having trouble forcing the xeno, and then the xeno shows him the memories of the Staff of Blue. And luckily Akawe doesn’t die or spend the rest of his life with permanent brain damage.
I remember why I wanted to spork this chapter now. No one knows how to human.

Akawe’s clearly beat, and the lines on his face made him appear almost normal. Sigh. If I was a person who had facial surgery or something, I would be a wee bit offended right now. So Akawe, having been through a hard, one-time ordeal, immediately segues into his backstory.

OH NO, HE HAS BEEN INFECTED!! BATTEN DOWN THE DOORS, HIDE ALL THE TRAGIC BACKSTORIES! This is also a suspiciously way to cheaply build attachment On an unrelated note, I think I’ll purchase a few life insurance policies on him.

So, Akawe was sent to settle down a protest of blue-collar workers with kids, and he didn’t want to use force. As a result, the protesters use a microwave that disables the drones, because they were “planning on ambushing” them the whole time. Umm, does Paolini know how protests work? Usually, protesters don’t harm law enforcement because they know that their cause will be dismissed as a result, and more aggressive measures will be taken. Furthermore, they usually don’t attack the freakin’ MILITARY. Lastly, WHY. Why did Paolini make THIS the backstory? Anything, ANYTHING ELSE could’ve been more realistic, and would’ve left a better taste in my mouth than “If I’d just acted [read, used military force on KIDS]... I could’ve saved a whole lot of lives.”

Moving on, this exchange happens.

Kira smoothed the wrinkles in the blanket by her knee. “You’re going after the staff,” she said, flat. The thought was daunting.

Akawe tossed back the rest of the coffee in a single gulp. “Wrong.”

Because Akawe’s an experienced military leader, he decides to listen to his Admiral, knowing that she has more experience than him. This is because there are so many possibilities for Kira. She could use her translating skills to be a peacemaker or hack into transmissions and find where the Jellies are going next. He also doesn’t think a few memories from a suspicious alien is enough to go on. He knows all this because he is sensible, and this is logical.

“You’ve misunderstood, Navárez. We’re going.”

And then any semblance of logic gets smashed, shredded, set upon by a bunch of dogs, burnt, peed on a bunch of cats, sliced, and is subjected to many hours of torture before its broken, bleeding corpse is finally, mercifully killed. This is To Sleep in a Sea of Stars.

Everyone, the author has given up. I repeat, the author is not even trying to hide that he doesn’t give a shit. So, I shall also give up.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

_@ _@ _@ _@ _@ _@

LALALALaalalalalalaLALALALALALAAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAHH

That has been my brief segway into despair. Now back to your regularly scheduled spork. Kira suggests bringing the Wallfish, Akawe thinks that’s dumb since she barely knows them. Kira trusts them with her life. Because they’ve never given her a reason to be suspicious. That business with the refugees doesn’t count.

Once again, YOU ARE MADE OF STUPID!!!!

Kira says that cryo doesn’t work, and says that she’s not going to be locked up. Instead of compromising or negotiating, she goes straight to the Paolini method of threatening and Venom crushes the bed frame. She has threatened her only chance of getting the Staff. So, Akawe, knowing what happened the last time he hesitated, immediately blasts Kira-

*Glances at Logic’s corpse slowly entering liver and rigor mortis.*

Never mind. He says he’ll think about it, and then leaves.

Kira wonders if he’ll really do it. Considering how much of a dumbass doormat the man has been so far, I wouldn’t worry. True to form, Akawe calls her. He’s going to go after the Staff. Gasp. How totally unexpected. Falconi has agreed to accompany them in exchange for pardons. We don’t know anything about these pardons, which provides a bit of a mystery for later, but Paolini manages to mess it up.

Kira goes onto the Wallfish, meets the crew, and the chapter ends.

And I don’t know what to expect for the Staff of Blue. Is it going to be dangerous? I know they have to race the Jellies, but that’s mostly going to be FTL. What’s waiting for them? Can anyone wield the staff, or will they die? Sometimes, being vague is not in your best interest.

But I’m done with this chapter. And the next up ~~to enter the fires of hell~~ to spork is Snarkbotanya, with Exposure.

And I’m out.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So Akawe, having been through a hard, one-time ordeal, immediately segues into his backstory.

Yet again a character suddenly spills their sob story apropos of bugger all. You know, normally when someone does this they're either one of those weirdos who over-shares and makes everyone else uncomfortable, or they're making a really blatant attempt at fishing for sympathy.

Kira says that cryo doesn’t work, and says that she’s not going to be locked up. Instead of compromising or negotiating, she goes straight to the Paolini method of threatening and Venom crushes the bed frame.

There's that charming Paotagonist douchebaggery we all know and hate, sigh...

You know, normally when someone does this they're either one of those weirdos who over-shares and makes everyone else uncomfortable, or they're making a really blatant attempt at fishing for sympathy.

Either is out of character for someone like Akawe. I mean, I have things that I've never told the vast majority of people, even people I've known for years. If I told them personal things at the drop of a hat, they'd probably look at me weirdly and be like... "okay?"

Also, I don't expect Akawe to live very long.

There's that charming Paotagonist douchebaggery we all know and hate, sigh...

Not to mention it's completely goddamn stupid.

Edited 2021-01-09 02:55 (UTC)

Not to mention it's completely goddamn stupid.

It makes Kiragon look like an idiot who doesn't know how to get her own way without resorting to violence or threats or both. Well except for that one time when she went with bribery.

I know. It also makes her look super impatient. Also, for someone who doesn't want to get locked up, she's sure not making it easy.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject