TSIASOS Spork: Part 3, Chapter 5: Sic Itur Ad Astra

[ultimate_cheetah]

First off, sorry that this spork took so long. Long story short, the universe hates me and decided that making me have a busy week would be the right thing to do.

Secondly, the title of this chapter is a latin phrase that means "thus one journeys to the stars". It is a metaphor for how someone can be held in great esteem for their deeds, so they can be remembered after they die. Here, they literally fly to the stars. This is a GREAT sign for the rest of the chapter, isn't it?

Kira and her team run from the SUPER DANGEROUS Seeker. It’s so TOTALLY DANGEROUS that Kira has no chance of fighting it. She uses Discount Venom’s memory banks to give us some backstory on it.

She remembered them from ages past: creatures made to enforce the word of the Heptarchy. 

Okay, this is actually pretty interesting. Why would an organization have something as terrifying and dangerous as this in their disposal, unless they were not exactly good. The Vanished are portrayed as good in Kira’s memories, but that could be because Discount Venom was created by them. And, this could have some implications about the suit as well.

A single one had wreaked havoc on the Jellies during the Sundering; she feared to think what it might do to the League if it escaped the planet.

My google doc is actually trying to correct the grammar on this thing. (“Feared what” instead of “Feared to think what”.) Other than that, I actually want to know more about what happened with the mysterious aliens vanishing, and this whole war. THIS should be the story. Not this excuse for a plot. 

Of course, this isn’t touched on at all in the future. 

Anyway…

Other Jellies start running away. Meanwhile, the fallout from the nuclear explosion last chapter is getting closer. Kira “wonders” if she will have to “get some radiation pills from the medic.” 

First of all, I guess she just thinks of Vishal as “the medic”. Crap, even Paolini doesn’t care about this guy. Second of all, (grits teeth) why are you thinking about this NOW? In the first book of the Expanse Series, Leviathan Wakes, the two protagonists are running through a colony while a deadly virus has spread, and they get a dose of radiation. They basically think “Oh Crap”, and continue running. It’s only after they get back to safety that they get treated. 

An extra pulls video feed showing the Seeker up and it pops in front of Kira. Because that’s not a hazard or anything. 

Even as Kira watched, the Seeker seized a red, dog-like nightmare and sank its black fingers into its skull.

… Props to Paolini, that did make me cringe.

The nightmare is now following and protecting the Seeker. A bunch of Jellies and nightmares have been Seekified already, but no humans, because the Jellies and nightmares are so busy fighting that they don’t notice the Seeker. 

Jeez, I thought these things were supposed to be experienced. Darwin’s rolling in his grave right now. 

Kira and Nelson are not sure what the Seeker is doing, but Lphet tells them the obvious. 

They warn all the Marines, but before they can get this over with, nightmares attack, providing an unnecessary action sequence. SPOILER: Everyone is completely fine. And Kira notices that the nightmares have red blood, unlike the Jellies. I can respect this, though. I think I would notice stuff like that. 

The next part takes a ton of words to say: 

They concentrated on running. “Contact!” shouted a Marine as he loosed several rounds at a nightmare that appeared around the corner of a building. The creature’s head exploded in a red mist.

Hemoglobin,Kira thought. Iron-based blood, unlike the Jellies.

The nightmares continued to harass them in ones and twos as they raced to the city’s edge. When the buildings gave way to moss-covered ground, Kira checked on the situation in orbit. The Wallfish had already passed by the planet and was heading toward the outer reaches of the system. A mess of Jelly and nightmare ships were fighting high overhead: both sides against one another, and the Jellies also against themselves. The Darmstadt was still some distance away from Nidus but inbound fast. Smoke trailed from several burn marks along the cruiser’s hull.

And my summary:

Kira and her cohorts ran deeper into the city, the marines shooting any nightmare that dared attack. They fell, bleeding red. Above them, ships blanketed the sky, Jellies destroying both the nightmares and their own. The Wallfish retreated, fading into the horizon. But the Darmstadt was heading right into the heart of the battle.

That took me 54 words to say. It took Paolini 134 words to say. 

Kira and Cheddar do the thing that comes naturally when you’re running for your life. They talk. I know I like to randomly ask something when a MindRapingZombifyingDeathThing is coming closer. The increased possibility of dying makes everything more fun! What, not you? Weirdos.

It’s Kira (of course) that starts the conversation. She asks Cheddar if she told the Jellies that Kira was still alive. Cheddar, proving she is a nicer person than me, doesn’t flip off Kira for questioning her loyalty in the middle of a battle, and says no. Except she says “Of course not. I wasn’t about to give out enemies actionable information.” And she says it while running. She should only be able to speak in one or two word sentences if they’re really running hard. Kira keeps asking stuff, and Cheddar confirms that yes, the Jellies didn’t know about you until you sent your signal, and they thought the suit was destroyed when you blew up that government ship like a dumbass. (That last insult may have been me.) And then Kira wonders why the Jellies didn’t even try to trace her, and where the nightmares came from, and I think Paolini may have forgotten that they are RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. GAHHH. WHY CAN’T THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE ACTUAL HUMANS??!!! 

(Pauses. Gets out tea and a screaming pillow. Draws a picture of Kira and kills it. Does an ancient summoning ritual to order a demon to slap Paolini every time he can’t control his exposition.)

Okay, we’re good to go. 

Then “dark shapes” with “flapping, bat-like wings” attack. Apparently they’re a type of nightmare. However, your sporker is too busy to care because she’s imagining the tasmanian devil from looney toons with bat wings. Hey, it’s better than the generic demon things these things are. 

There’s also an aurora in the sky from the “nukes” exploding and “antimatter” in the upper atmosphere. 

But behind them is the, GASP, Seeker. It slooooowly walks to the edge of the city, stops, and spreads its wings, which are veined and purplish and nearly nine meters across.

I’m not even going to point out the cliches anymore. This thing is basically a combination of the Ra’zac and the Lethrblaka. This could work. After all, the Lethrblaka never got to do anything relevant, and a fight with something like this could really spice the book up. 

A Marine shoots at the Seeker and it dodges with super speed. Just like the Ra’zac. 

Then it slowly looked back at them with what Kira could only interpret as sheer malevolence.

You know what else looks at things with sheer malevolence? My dog. That dog is a goddamn psycho, so that might not be the best comparison, but still. 

Since hitting the Seeker with a laser bast didn’t work, the Marines fire a BIGGER laser blast. 

It curves around the Seeker (somehow), and the Seeker looks like it’s smiling. 

YES YES DO SOMETHING! DOOO SOMETHING!!!!!

The Seeker’s minions approach. The Jelly ships are just up ahead. They remind Kira of a place where she got her seed license. (What the heck is that?) Cheddar goes with the Jellies because “there’s a chance for peace”. Kira goes with the humans.

The Seeker leapt forward, propelled by its wings. Its minions were almost at the ramp. Kira ran as fast as she could, heart pounding. “Run!” she shouted. But it was too late. The first minion, a large nightmare with too many limbs and eyes, charged toward Kira. She swatted it away with the Soft Blade, but more and more came. Nightmares clawed at her. Jellies stabbed at her. She would’ve been dead many times over if the Soft Blade wasn’t there. Every time she hesitated or froze, the Soft Blade took over, stabbing, swatting, and crushing. Behind her, people screamed as something she couldn’t see attacked. An acrid scent of acid and arsenic flooded her nose. The Jellies’ fear.

Kira attempted to fight her way toward them. They couldn’t die. Not again. Someone screamed. Was that Marie-Elise? Iovana?

Something bright and hot zapped her. She tried to block it, but she couldn’t move. Volts crawled along her entire body, locking her muscles in place. She turned her head, straining against the invisible bonds. The Seeker was striding toward her, the constricting beam of energy flowing from its outstretched hand. She tried to scream but only managed a whimper. Soon, the Seeker would crack her skull and take her mind for its own. She would never see her family again. The thought made Kira feel like she was dunked in ice. No. That won’t happen. I won’t allow that to happen. She put as much force as she could muster into moving the Soft Blade. It didn’t move. Kira tried again. The Seeker was in front of her now. Its hand swung toward her head. The energy bonds straind, then gave. Kira speared the hand when it was an inch from her skull.

I wish. Actually, they board the ships and fly away. The Seeker likely flies off the planet to Florida, where the Lethrblaka have a condo because of their uselessness in the story.

It does JACK FUCKING SHIT. Because FUCK LEARNING THINGS FROM PREVIOUS MISTAKES! FUCK THE READERS! FUCK WRITING THIS FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN PRETENTIOUS WANKERY! OH HA HA YOU JUST WASTED EVERYONE’S TIME PAOLINI! VERY FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA…………………I HATE THIS BOOK!

Totally unrelated, how much does it cost to send a couple of black-cloaked figures with swords, bats, and other implements of pain to Montana?

Also, Nelson carried Trig all this time. And she didn’t fall behind from the strain of carrying a fully grown man.

I’m too lazy to describe the ship so I’ll leave this here:

Like the other Jelly ship Kira had been on, this one smelled of brine, and the lighting was a dim, watery blue. The room was an ovoid, with tubes and masses of unidentifiable equipment along one half, and egg-like capsules along the other. Stored on rows of double-layered racks were scores of what she recognized as weapons: blasters, guns, and even blades.

Kira can smell the Jellies talking, and asks the captain Jelly (Whose name is Wrnakkr, but I will call Cherry) if they can get to the Wallfish. The Jelly says yes, because these aliens suddenly trust these humans despite thinking they were on the opposite side 20 minutes ago. The artificial gravity on the ship is heavier than on earth, which is a nice touch. Kira asks to see outside, and Cherry turns part of the ship transparent. Wow, Cherry is really nice to someone who killed a bunch of his people. Cherry should work in retail.

The nightmares give chase and they ram the ship. They carve a hole into the roof, and “a dense swarm of nightmares pour[s] into the Jelly ship.”

And this couldn’t have been replaced with a Seeker battle because?

That’s the end of the chapter.

My final thoughts are:

1. The talking and unnecessary details should’ve been cut.

2. The Seeker should’ve contributed to something

3. This entire book should’ve been scrapped. I mean it. Interesting stories are lurking in the background, but they’re ignored in favor of this boring bullshit. This story should’ve been kept as a worldbuilding exercise, and Paolini should’ve focused on the Sundering. It would be nice to have a story where no humans come into play. A war between the Jellies sounds interesting.

The next chapter is Into the Dark with Mara and Dienne. Good luck, guys.

Comments

[ultimate_cheetah]

What did vowels ever do to you, Chrstphr I mean Chris?

They tortured his family, along with commas. Side note, I am no longer Ultimate Cheetah. I am Ylmyt Chyth.

Maybe you can tell me what the hell your problem with scars is while we're at it.

It's like someone with a scar stole his girlfriend or something.

And I have FOUR scars. The HORROR. (In a Paolini book I would either be a villain or a Tragic Character.)

[epistler]

Side note, I am no longer Ultimate Cheetah. I am Ylmyt Chyth.

Greetings! I am ThPstlr.

And I have FOUR scars. The HORROR.

I have scars AND a physical deformity, AND I'm an unattractive unmarried woman with no children. In a Paolini novel there'd be no hope for me.

[ultimate_cheetah]

I have scars AND a physical deformity, AND I'm an unattractive unmarried woman with no children. In a Paolini novel there'd be no hope for me.

The only thing for us would be to be Wise and Enlightened Mentors (and maybe I'd be a were-cheetah), or Evil Villains. (We'd make a cool duo, though.)

[epistler]

I say we cameo as two evil witches who put a curse on Angela so she can only say "cheep cheep" for the rest of her life. Or preferably is left eternally mute. Let's see how the insufferable creep likes a taste of her own medicine.

[ultimate_cheetah]

We could curse her to only be able to speak when she has something worthwhile to say. (Or course, she'd be eternally mute anyway.) For blodgarm, we could curse him so a slug crawls out of his mouth everytime he speaks. Now what should we do with oromis?

[epistler]

Make his creepy hairless groin break out in hundreds of cactus spines.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Hehehe. (That guy always seemed creepy to me, even after the bath scene. Like, why did he have a picture of Selena in his shirt?)

Eragon would get cursed so that everything he did would come back to him. Example, he curses sloan, suddenly he feels as tired as sloan. He kills that soldier, he would feel what he felt.

Oooooorrrrr, we could curse him to be GASP, AN ORDINARY PERSON!!! With terrible acne and his skin turns bright red whenever he has thoughts about murdering or lust (for Arya or Grimmr Halfpaw, whatever.)

I have a new appreciation for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 now, because SPOILER, when Ego says to Peter that if Ego gets killed, Peter will become an ordinary person, Peter retorts back with "What's so wrong with that?"

[epistler]

That guy always seemed creepy to me, even after the bath scene.

I always found him creepy too.

I have a new appreciation for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 now, because SPOILER, when Ego says to Peter that if Ego gets killed, Peter will become an ordinary person, Peter retorts back with "What's so wrong with that?"

I loved that bit. (And when Yondu died and they held that big funeral for him with the Cat Stevens song, I started crying and texted my Dad to remind him how much I love him! It was a double whammy because Dad and I listened to Cat Stevens together all the time when I was growing up).

And I like the idea of being a - gasp! - ordinary person. Like the movie says, what's wrong with ordinary? Ordinary is real. Ordinary is relatable. Ordinary makes doing the extraordinary a thousand times more impressive. This whole idealised self thing really needs to go.

[ultimate_cheetah]

I always found him creepy too.

The part where he gets a "look of passion", and suddenly Eragon gets a tickling feeling in his legs? I half expected Chris Hansen to step out and give one of his one liners. Perhaps: "You're not working anymore magic, today, buddy. Why don't you sit down at that table over there."

And then there's the fact that he stared at Eragon seizing on the ground, without helping.

I loved that bit. (And when Yondu died and they held that big funeral for him with the Cat Stevens song, I started crying and texted my Dad to remind him how much I love him! It was a double whammy because Dad and I listened to Cat Stevens together all the time when I was growing up).

Awww.

Like the movie says, what's wrong with ordinary? Ordinary is real. Ordinary is relatable. Ordinary makes doing the extraordinary a thousand times more impressive. This whole idealised self thing really needs to go.

Yeah. I mean, we're all weird in our own ways. The problem is, the word "ordinary" is associated with not being a tech wiz, or a savant, or something like that. Ironically, those movies that say messages like that are actually reinforcing social boundaries.

First of all, the whole "you ARE special", can either mean "You ARE special and it's not your fault that circumstances are constricting your greatness", or "Only people with cool talents are worth it". Our ideas of individualism let us pay attention to a few idealised people, while ignoring the fact that any other person in that spotlight would be just as interesting.

Second of all, that message usually is like "Be yourself... as long as it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable." "Extraordinariness" is only celebrated as long as it is exploitable. In media like this, the differences are always cool powers or something. (Like having being a mutant in the X-men, or being divergent in, well, Divergent.) On the other hand, differences from the norm are rarely celebrated in real life or in these types of media. (Little to no LGBTQ people, minorities, disabled people, or older than average people to be found.)

Lastly, yes. If someone does not have special abilities, it makes them completing their quest that much cooler. In fact, if someone has a special object or special flying powers, it just makes it more annoying. We want to see characters that use clever or out of the box solutions to solve problems, not just blast their way out of it.

[epistler]

The part where he gets a "look of passion", and suddenly Eragon gets a tickling feeling in his legs? I half expected Chris Hansen to step out and give one of his one liners. Perhaps: "You're not working anymore magic, today, buddy. Why don't you sit down at that table over there."

And then there's the fact that he stared at Eragon seizing on the ground, without helping.

Oh yeah. Creepy as hell, not to mention a complete jerk. Remember too that this is the same guy who saw a desolate, bereft boy who had lost his soulmate, and told him to fuck off and deal. And who stood by and let one of his students mercilessly bully the other.

Second of all, that message usually is like "Be yourself... as long as it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable."

Yeah, no kidding...

We want to see characters that use clever or out of the box solutions to solve problems, not just blast their way out of it.

Hell yeah. The over-powered character who just bruteforces his way to victory the way Eragon does is BORING. Not to mention impossible to relate to. Unless you too are an arrogant bully with superpowers, I suppose...

[ultimate_cheetah]

Remember too that this is the same guy who saw a desolate, bereft boy who had lost his soulmate, and told him to fuck off and deal. And who stood by and let one of his students mercilessly bully the other.

Either Oromis is super out of touch, or he's completely without empathy. (If Brisingr wasn't so boring, I would read their death scene over and over again). Or, after centuries of teaching, he got worse and worse, and started to lose his touch.

Hell yeah. The over-powered character who just bruteforces his way to victory the way Eragon does is BORING. Not to mention impossible to relate to. Unless you too are an arrogant bully with superpowers, I suppose...

Yeah. That's a big problem with a lot of shows and long running series. Like in a zombie series (the Walking Dead, for example), people eventually get better at stuff, so they'll solve their problems easily. A good way to solve this is to increase the threat level. (Even though Galby was supposedly all powerful in the IC, he really never even won anything.) For example, Attack on Titan had the first problem (humans are trying to battle against these large giants called titans, who eat them), and then, when they figure that out, another enemy comes in, and when they figure that out, there's a problem that strikes them where it hurts.