antishurtugal_reborn | TSIASOS Spork: Part 3, Chapter 5: Sic Itur Ad Astra

First off, sorry that this spork took so long. Long story short, the universe hates me and decided that making me have a busy week would be the right thing to do.

Secondly, the title of this chapter is a latin phrase that means "thus one journeys to the stars". It is a metaphor for how someone can be held in great esteem for their deeds, so they can be remembered after they die. Here, they literally fly to the stars. This is a GREAT sign for the rest of the chapter, isn't it?

Kira and her team run from the SUPER DANGEROUS Seeker. It’s so TOTALLY DANGEROUS that Kira has no chance of fighting it. She uses Discount Venom’s memory banks to give us some backstory on it.

She remembered them from ages past: creatures made to enforce the word of the Heptarchy.

Okay, this is actually pretty interesting. Why would an organization have something as terrifying and dangerous as this in their disposal, unless they were not exactly good. The Vanished are portrayed as good in Kira’s memories, but that could be because Discount Venom was created by them. And, this could have some implications about the suit as well.

A single one had wreaked havoc on the Jellies during the Sundering; she feared to think what it might do to the League if it escaped the planet.

My google doc is actually trying to correct the grammar on this thing. (“Feared what” instead of “Feared to think what”.) Other than that, I actually want to know more about what happened with the mysterious aliens vanishing, and this whole war. THIS should be the story. Not this excuse for a plot.

Of course, this isn’t touched on at all in the future.

Anyway…

Other Jellies start running away. Meanwhile, the fallout from the nuclear explosion last chapter is getting closer. Kira “wonders” if she will have to “get some radiation pills from the medic.”

First of all, I guess she just thinks of Vishal as “the medic”. Crap, even Paolini doesn’t care about this guy. Second of all, (grits teeth) why are you thinking about this NOW? In the first book of the Expanse Series, Leviathan Wakes, the two protagonists are running through a colony while a deadly virus has spread, and they get a dose of radiation. They basically think “Oh Crap”, and continue running. It’s only after they get back to safety that they get treated.

An extra pulls video feed showing the Seeker up and it pops in front of Kira. Because that’s not a hazard or anything.

Even as Kira watched, the Seeker seized a red, dog-like nightmare and sank its black fingers into its skull.

… Props to Paolini, that did make me cringe.

The nightmare is now following and protecting the Seeker. A bunch of Jellies and nightmares have been Seekified already, but no humans, because the Jellies and nightmares are so busy fighting that they don’t notice the Seeker.

Jeez, I thought these things were supposed to be experienced. Darwin’s rolling in his grave right now.

Kira and Nelson are not sure what the Seeker is doing, but Lphet tells them the obvious.

They warn all the Marines, but before they can get this over with, nightmares attack, providing an unnecessary action sequence. SPOILER: Everyone is completely fine. And Kira notices that the nightmares have red blood, unlike the Jellies. I can respect this, though. I think I would notice stuff like that.

The next part takes a ton of words to say:

They concentrated on running. “Contact!” shouted a Marine as he loosed several rounds at a nightmare that appeared around the corner of a building. The creature’s head exploded in a red mist.

Hemoglobin,Kira thought. Iron-based blood, unlike the Jellies.

The nightmares continued to harass them in ones and twos as they raced to the city’s edge. When the buildings gave way to moss-covered ground, Kira checked on the situation in orbit. The Wallfish had already passed by the planet and was heading toward the outer reaches of the system. A mess of Jelly and nightmare ships were fighting high overhead: both sides against one another, and the Jellies also against themselves. The Darmstadt was still some distance away from Nidus but inbound fast. Smoke trailed from several burn marks along the cruiser’s hull.

And my summary:

Kira and her cohorts ran deeper into the city, the marines shooting any nightmare that dared attack. They fell, bleeding red. Above them, ships blanketed the sky, Jellies destroying both the nightmares and their own. The Wallfish retreated, fading into the horizon. But the Darmstadt was heading right into the heart of the battle.

That took me 54 words to say. It took Paolini 134 words to say.

Kira and Cheddar do the thing that comes naturally when you’re running for your life. They talk. I know I like to randomly ask something when a MindRapingZombifyingDeathThing is coming closer. The increased possibility of dying makes everything more fun! What, not you? Weirdos.

It’s Kira (of course) that starts the conversation. She asks Cheddar if she told the Jellies that Kira was still alive. Cheddar, proving she is a nicer person than me, doesn’t flip off Kira for questioning her loyalty in the middle of a battle, and says no. Except she says “Of course not. I wasn’t about to give out enemies actionable information.” And she says it while running. She should only be able to speak in one or two word sentences if they’re really running hard. Kira keeps asking stuff, and Cheddar confirms that yes, the Jellies didn’t know about you until you sent your signal, and they thought the suit was destroyed when you blew up that government ship like a dumbass. (That last insult may have been me.) And then Kira wonders why the Jellies didn’t even try to trace her, and where the nightmares came from, and I think Paolini may have forgotten that they are RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. GAHHH. WHY CAN’T THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE ACTUAL HUMANS??!!!

(Pauses. Gets out tea and a screaming pillow. Draws a picture of Kira and kills it. Does an ancient summoning ritual to order a demon to slap Paolini every time he can’t control his exposition.)

Okay, we’re good to go.

Then “dark shapes” with “flapping, bat-like wings” attack. Apparently they’re a type of nightmare. However, your sporker is too busy to care because she’s imagining the tasmanian devil from looney toons with bat wings. Hey, it’s better than the generic demon things these things are.

There’s also an aurora in the sky from the “nukes” exploding and “antimatter” in the upper atmosphere.

But behind them is the, GASP, Seeker. It slooooowly walks to the edge of the city, stops, and spreads its wings, which are veined and purplish and nearly nine meters across.

I’m not even going to point out the cliches anymore. This thing is basically a combination of the Ra’zac and the Lethrblaka. This could work. After all, the Lethrblaka never got to do anything relevant, and a fight with something like this could really spice the book up.

A Marine shoots at the Seeker and it dodges with super speed. Just like the Ra’zac.

Then it slowly looked back at them with what Kira could only interpret as sheer malevolence.

You know what else looks at things with sheer malevolence? My dog. That dog is a goddamn psycho, so that might not be the best comparison, but still.

Since hitting the Seeker with a laser bast didn’t work, the Marines fire a BIGGER laser blast.

It curves around the Seeker (somehow), and the Seeker looks like it’s smiling.

YES YES DO SOMETHING! DOOO SOMETHING!!!!!

The Seeker’s minions approach. The Jelly ships are just up ahead. They remind Kira of a place where she got her seed license. (What the heck is that?) Cheddar goes with the Jellies because “there’s a chance for peace”. Kira goes with the humans.

The Seeker leapt forward, propelled by its wings. Its minions were almost at the ramp. Kira ran as fast as she could, heart pounding. “Run!” she shouted. But it was too late. The first minion, a large nightmare with too many limbs and eyes, charged toward Kira. She swatted it away with the Soft Blade, but more and more came. Nightmares clawed at her. Jellies stabbed at her. She would’ve been dead many times over if the Soft Blade wasn’t there. Every time she hesitated or froze, the Soft Blade took over, stabbing, swatting, and crushing. Behind her, people screamed as something she couldn’t see attacked. An acrid scent of acid and arsenic flooded her nose. The Jellies’ fear.

Kira attempted to fight her way toward them. They couldn’t die. Not again. Someone screamed. Was that Marie-Elise? Iovana?

Something bright and hot zapped her. She tried to block it, but she couldn’t move. Volts crawled along her entire body, locking her muscles in place. She turned her head, straining against the invisible bonds. The Seeker was striding toward her, the constricting beam of energy flowing from its outstretched hand. She tried to scream but only managed a whimper. Soon, the Seeker would crack her skull and take her mind for its own. She would never see her family again. The thought made Kira feel like she was dunked in ice. No. That won’t happen. I won’t allow that to happen. She put as much force as she could muster into moving the Soft Blade. It didn’t move. Kira tried again. The Seeker was in front of her now. Its hand swung toward her head. The energy bonds straind, then gave. Kira speared the hand when it was an inch from her skull.

I wish. Actually, they board the ships and fly away. The Seeker likely flies off the planet to Florida, where the Lethrblaka have a condo because of their uselessness in the story.

It does JACK FUCKING SHIT. Because FUCK LEARNING THINGS FROM PREVIOUS MISTAKES! FUCK THE READERS! FUCK WRITING THIS FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN PRETENTIOUS WANKERY! OH HA HA YOU JUST WASTED EVERYONE’S TIME PAOLINI! VERY FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA…………………I HATE THIS BOOK!

Totally unrelated, how much does it cost to send a couple of black-cloaked figures with swords, bats, and other implements of pain to Montana?

Also, Nelson carried Trig all this time. And she didn’t fall behind from the strain of carrying a fully grown man.

I’m too lazy to describe the ship so I’ll leave this here:

Like the other Jelly ship Kira had been on, this one smelled of brine, and the lighting was a dim, watery blue. The room was an ovoid, with tubes and masses of unidentifiable equipment along one half, and egg-like capsules along the other. Stored on rows of double-layered racks were scores of what she recognized as weapons: blasters, guns, and even blades.

Kira can smell the Jellies talking, and asks the captain Jelly (Whose name is Wrnakkr, but I will call Cherry) if they can get to the Wallfish. The Jelly says yes, because these aliens suddenly trust these humans despite thinking they were on the opposite side 20 minutes ago. The artificial gravity on the ship is heavier than on earth, which is a nice touch. Kira asks to see outside, and Cherry turns part of the ship transparent. Wow, Cherry is really nice to someone who killed a bunch of his people. Cherry should work in retail.

The nightmares give chase and they ram the ship. They carve a hole into the roof, and “a dense swarm of nightmares pour[s] into the Jelly ship.”

And this couldn’t have been replaced with a Seeker battle because?

That’s the end of the chapter.

My final thoughts are:

The talking and unnecessary details should’ve been cut.
The Seeker should’ve contributed to something
This entire book should’ve been scrapped. I mean it. Interesting stories are lurking in the background, but they’re ignored in favor of this boring bullshit. This story should’ve been kept as a worldbuilding exercise, and Paolini should’ve focused on the Sundering. It would be nice to have a story where no humans come into play. A war between the Jellies sounds interesting.

The next chapter is Into the Dark with Mara and Dienne. Good luck, guys.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Location: Hell
Current Music: Hellfire

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

torylltales

Does the seeker do anything at all, or even appear again after this chapter? If not, it is an entirely unnecessary detail. It feels like a homage to a story Paolini hasn't written yet. If he had written the story of the Seeker first, then this appearance would be an "oh, cool!" callback.

Instead, I am instantly reminded of a different entity from a different franchise: the Destroyer, from the Marvel movie Thor. Not so much in appearance, but in presence. Mixed with the mind stone sceptre thing that can mind-control anyone it touches.

Edited Date: 2021-03-22 08:40 pm (UTC)

From:

epistler

Does the seeker do anything at all, or even appear again after this chapter?

No and no. This whole chapter is - say it with me - entirely pointless.

From:

ultimate_cheetah

If he had written the story of the Seeker first, then this appearance would be an "oh, cool!" callback.

I think he should've written that story first. This book feels like a failed worldbuilding sketch.

Interesting. I think the mind scepter is more intimidating though. Mostly because we actually get to see it control people.

Edited Date: 2021-03-23 01:35 am (UTC)

From:

epistler

Instead, I am instantly reminded of a different entity from a different franchise: the Destroyer, from the Marvel movie Thor.

Re-reading this spork, I just realised what I'm reminded of. An RPG in which the player attempts to play through a part of the game they weren't supposed to be able to access until right at the end when they're at level 97 and ends up running away from the boss fight when they realise they done fucked up.

From:

epistler

And here in this one chapter we have all the proof we need to demonstrate that Paolini has learned absolutely nothing. Another subplot that goes nowhere, another super powerful villain/monster who is introduced to no purpose and then disappears forever, an action scene rendered boring by bad pacing, excessive wordiness, and misplaced exposition. The levels of sheer amateurish incompetence are so unbelievably high that it boggles my MIND to think this book ever saw the light of day. Or at least that it was published without this whole section being cut! What the absolute fuck, Tor? What is WRONG with you people? Aren't you supposed to be professionals? And yet you allow this to happen? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Edited Date: 2021-03-22 10:56 pm (UTC)

From:

ultimate_cheetah

Another subplot that goes nowhere, another super powerful villain/monster who is introduced to no purpose and then disappears forever, an action scene rendered boring by bad pacing, excessive wordiness, and misplaced exposition.

The Seeker was just there so Paolini could throw in some tension. And/or he just wanted to get them back to the ship quickly. (And the Seeker is set up as sequel bait, even though it could've been defeated in the CLIMAX.) Every minute detail is written out, and Kira is wondering things she shouldn't be wondering in the middle of an action sequence. They go in the Jelly ship, and THEN get attacked by nightmares, instead of just getting attacked on the ground. It would've flowed better, and they would've gotten to the walfish anyway. And somehow both Cheddar and Kira speak in full sentences while fleeing for their lives. It's like Paolini forgot they were running for long stretches of time.

The levels of sheer amateurish incompetence are so unbelievably high that it boggles my MIND to think this book ever saw the light of day.

I know. I can write better than him (I hope), and I'm about 21 years younger.

What the absolute fuck, Tor? What is WRONG with you people?

Personally, I think they're just pumping out whatever so Chris's fans can be happy. That might be why they didn't give it too much editing. (Which is a shame, as they have some other great things on their site.)

From:

epistler

(And the Seeker is set up as sequel bait, even though it could've been defeated in the CLIMAX.)

I've said it before but I'll repeat it until I'm blue in the face: If you introduce it in book one, make it MATTER in book one. Acting under the assumption that book two is even going to happen is both arrogant and unprofessional. And it's just plain bad writing.

Personally, I think they're just pumping out whatever so Chris's fans can be happy.

Personally, I think they're just throwing his garbage out there on a budget in order to make a quick buck.

From:

ultimate_cheetah

Acting under the assumption that book two is even going to happen is both arrogant and unprofessional. And it's just plain bad writing.

That happens a lot in movies, too. Most notably Amazing Spider Man 2, and The Mummy (2017). They crammed so many things in there trying to set up a universe that they forgot to tell a good story in the first installment.

It clutters up the story and distracts from the plot.

Personally, I think they're just throwing his garbage out there on a budget in order to make a quick buck.

Yeah. That's what I was trying to say. Chris's fans will read anything by him, so it's quick money.

From:

epistler

That's a very good comparison, and especially with this whole "Fractalverse" thing he's shilling now. Hey, just like Universal shilling its big exciting new Dark Universe right before releasing one movie which flopped so horribly it killed the franchise right then and there. If CP is going to make this whole "Fractalverse" thing work, whatever comes next had better come soon and it had better be extremely good.

Yeah. That's what I was trying to say. Chris's fans will read anything by him, so it's quick money.

Cynical bastards. Of course, as I've said before, they'll just as cynically ditch him the moment he stops making them enough money. It can happen to anyone at any time. And in this case it couldn't possibly happen to someone more deserving of a good hard wakeup slap.

TSIASOS Spork: Part 3, Chapter 5: Sic Itur Ad Astra

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