Hey gang!

I'm looking to do more in-depth bad book reviews and in fact I've got one being shipped to me as we speak! If you've got a book you'd love to see me take apart, please speak out - I'm always looking for new material! The badder, the better! 

Hey guys - how's everyone getting along? I'm currently between jobs which means having time to kill, which led to this. I sometimes write up reports on unpublished manuscripts, which analyse the strengths and weaknesses of the work  so the author can revise accordingly. The other day I thought hey, why not do one for Eragon as if it were just another unpublished work by a young hopeful seeking advice? So I did. 
Here is everything I would have told Paolini if he had sent his manuscript to me, and everything he should have been told before rushing into publication (or being pushed into it by his greedy parents).

PS: Sorry for not putting this under a cut, but every time I try the font gets all fucked up. What the hell, Dreamwidth?

Summary and Opening Remarks

 

In the magical land of Alagaësia, poor farm boy Eragon finds a mysterious stone which turns out to be a dragon egg. Before he knows it he’s become the first new Dragon Rider in a century, and with his home destroyed by the tyrannical Empire it’s up to him to bring down the evil King Galbatorix and bring peace and freedom back to his homeland.

The premise of this manuscript is very traditional and tropey, though not necessarily in a bad way, and if handled differently could make for a fun read. However it’s let down by its lack of originality, underdeveloped setting, prose which is badly in need of polishing, and a cast of characters who just aren’t interesting or likeable enough to carry the story or win the reader’s sympathies.

Setting

Unfortunately, the setting of Alagaësia is simply not original enough to pass muster. It’s far too much of a Middle Earth clone for comfort, down to at least a dozen place names which are so close to Tolkien that it’s just plain distracting. Meanwhile, the order of Dragon Riders are far too similar to those found in the classic Pern series by Anne McCaffrey, and the magic system is far too similar to that found in the Wizard of Earthsea books by Ursula K. LeGuin and the Belgariad by David Eddings. And yes, readers are absolutely going to notice it, and especially so since these lifted elements don’t fit together properly, which just makes it more obvious that they came from several different unrelated sources.

In building a fantasy setting, you simply cannot take shortcuts like this. It’s uncreative and dishonest, and unfair to your readers as well as the fellow authors you’ve lifted from. Moral issues aside, it also removes a good chunk of the entire point of writing fantasy in the first place, which is creating an exciting new world for you and your readers to explore. And it’s also half the fun!

Go back and start again. Get rid of the most glaring Tolkien lifts, the elves and dwarves, and replace them with your own original races or simply stick with humans and avoid the “nonhuman races” trope altogether. It is after all somewhat out of favour these days and many publishers will refuse outright to even touch a book with elves and dwarves or any other traditional humanoid fantasy race.

Change the place names as well, such as Isenstar, and be sure to stick to a coherent naming pattern so they feel as if they come from the same setting. Invent your own original magic system, or don’t include magic at all if that would work better for you. Rework the way the Rider bond works so it isn’t identical to Pern, and absolutely get rid of the silver palm mark which is an obvious carbon copy from Belgariad, along with the bridge keeper scene which is clearly a word for word lift from The Ruby Knight and could even get you into legal trouble if the Eddings estate decides to sue you for plagiarism, which it definitely qualifies as.

So does the scene in which Eragon names Saphira, which is likewise heavily copied from Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher. This is not a reference. It is theft of the basest kind and completely inexcusable, not to mention unprofessional.

You should also heavily consider changing Eragon’s name, as it’s far too uncomfortably similar to Aragorn.

Lastly, you need to rework the history of your setting. The backstory of Galbatorix turning traitor and overthrowing the Riders is far too similar to the backstory of Star Wars, right down to the order of noble good guys having coloured blades which can cut through anything. More on this to follow.

Also, why do the dragons in this setting sparkle? For a large ambush predator, camouflage and stealth are absolutely vital so this is pretty but just too unrealistic and silly.

Plot

The plot in general is also far too much of a Star Wars clone and desperately needs to be reworked to make it less of a predictable rehash. Eragon, aka Luke Skywalker, even has a bearded wise old mentor who’s a secret surviving member of the old order of knights and later meets a dashing rogue who’s only out for himself but ultimately helps at the final battle. He even rescues a captive princess who was responsible for sending a valuable item stolen from the evil Empire to him, thus kicking off the plot.

And no, these tropes are not “the Hero’s Journey”, which is a far more generalised story structure outline and doesn’t contain any of these very specific details.

This aside, the plot is far too meandering and lacking in focus when it isn’t following the Star Wars plotline. There’s no consistent villain and Eragon spends almost the entire book without any clear motivation or goal. He then ends up facing down a baddie he has no connection or history with such that it more or less comes out of nowhere and is not as satisfying as it needs to be. Far too often, plot points are brought up and then dropped without being actually used or going anywhere important, such as the contact Eragon was supposed to meet up with who never actually appears, and the hunt for the magical oil which ultimately peters out and is not interesting or exciting to begin with, not to mention that it doesn’t even make much sense in the scheme of things. Eragon’s only goal is to fight the Ra’zac, and yet this never eventuates, and they disappear out of the book never to return.

Another issue here is that Eragon simply isn’t proactive enough. Granted he is supposed to be a naïve inexperienced youth, but he’s still the protagonist and therefore should be the one responsible for driving the plot forward by making important decisions and taking action on his own accord. Instead, he spends the entire book being pushed into doing things by the supporting cast and rarely if ever makes any meaningful decisions of his own. If his choices ultimately mean nothing, then he has no business being the protagonist of a novel.

Characters

These are, unfortunately, one of the biggest issues with this manuscript. None of the main characters are likeable or interesting enough, most notably Eragon, Saphira and Brom.

To begin with, Eragon is a deeply unsympathetic and frequently downright irritating character, who far too often behaves as if the world revolves around him and becomes childish and petulant over the slightest inconvenience. He simply doesn’t feel like a character who grew up doing hard work on a farm in the middle of nowhere, under the constant threat of starvation – why would someone raised on a medieval serf’s diet be complaining about being served cabbage soup? In prison, no less, when he should be expected to have more important things on his mind? Someone from Eragon’s background would realistically be tough and hardy with a down-to-earth attitude, but Eragon instead acts like someone who has been pampered and spoilt his entire life, and it’s just silly and unrealistic as well as very annoying to read.

He also lacks kindness and empathy toward others; another trait which damages his likeability in the eyes of potential readers. He treats others with a great deal of selfishness and lack of concern for their feelings and wellbeing, including even those he’s supposed to care deeply about such as Roran and Saphira. His only motivation other than revenge seems to be his own personal fame and glorification, which just aren’t heroic enough for someone who you say in your cover letter was intended to be a traditional fantasy hero in the modern sense of the term. Traditional fantasy heroes have more noble goals such as saving lives and protecting the weak, whereas revenge is something best reserved for villains and antiheroes. Or, at a pinch, it’s something an heroic character is initially driven by before maturing to more noble motivations.

Saphira is also unfortunately simply not likeable enough, and nor does she read like a convincingly nonhuman character. She’s very cute at the beginning, but once she starts talking she becomes far too humanlike, and not in a likeable way. Her relationship with Eragon is dysfunctional at best; they treat each other extremely poorly, with bullying and abuse on both sides before Saphira, despite being the main draw, more or less fades into the background.

My best advice would be to take an objective look at the way these two behave toward each other and do some serious revising. I also suggest making Saphira a non-speaking character, which would go a long way toward making her feel like a dragon rather than a vain, spiteful middle-aged human woman. (Indeed she bears rather too much resemblance personality-wise to Polgara from the Belgariad).

One character I strongly recommend removing altogether is Brom. He is a deeply unlikable character, even more so than Eragon or Saphira, who is outright abusive to Eragon under the guise of “training” (in order to write convincing combat and swordplay training you will need to do some research into how it actually works, because violently beating someone unconscious with a stick is not teaching in any way shape or form). But perhaps more importantly, he also bogs the story down and robs it of the sense of adventure it needs by constantly providing exposition and holding Eragon and Saphira back. Because they’re stuck travelling with him, they’re unable to fly off together and do things on their own, which robs the story of the “boy and his dragon” angle you were clearly aiming for. With Brom leading them both around by the nose and holding them back from doing anything except what he tells them to do, Saphira is rendered useless and Eragon has little chance to make his own decisions. Which, again, weakens his role as protagonist and hero. Cut Brom out, or have him stay behind, and the story will be greatly improved.

Murtagh, however, is easily the most sympathetic and interesting character in the cast and definitely needs a larger role! In fact, he would make a much better protagonist than Eragon, who in this draft he far surpasses in terms of actually demonstrated heroism and has a much better developed backstory (Eragon, by contrast, barely has a backstory at all and is far too much of a blank slate).

There are, unfortunately, also major issues with the villains. Galbatorix, the main villain, is never actually shown as convincingly evil and his history engenders far too much sympathy while making the “good” Riders come across as callous and cruel. This also has the side effect of making the reader feel it’s a good thing they’re gone and that they deserved it. If Galbatorix is such a cruel and evil ruler, then it needs to show in daily life. The people should be shown to be actively suffering under his rule, and there are a number of ways you can do this. Public executions for minor crimes, starvation, people being actively bullied by soldiers and government officials, Imperial seizures of innocent peoples’ property, propaganda, the banning or persecution of minority groups, are just a few of them. Instead of which everyone seems to be happy and prosperous while living in the “evil” Empire and the only people under direct threat are those who have committed treason by joining the rebels. Thus, the Varden’s cause seems completely unjustified, which causes major issues with what’s intended to be the main conflict in the story.

Durza and the Ra’zac, meanwhile, are just simply one-dimensional evil for the sake of evil, and not very interesting or memorable as a result, though the design of the Ra’zac is a good example of genuine creativity.

Prose

This is something where you just plain need more practise. There are many attempts at grandiosity here which come across as forced and trying too hard, and likewise there are attempts at using impressive long words which are clearly not in your natural vocabulary because they are misused and inappropriate. It’s clear that you’re using a thesaurus and my advice on that score can be summed up with a single word: Don’t. That’s not how you have a good use of vocabulary in your novel. Use words you know and expand your vocabulary by reading, and as this is YA I suggest keeping it relatively simple and straightforward. You will certainly be well advised not to attempt to sound more epic by using old-fashioned medieval words like “ere”, which is best done by someone more familiar with such vernacular such that they can use it in a way that feels natural.

But on the other hand, be careful to avoid using anachronisms like “backpedalled” (a term that cannot exist in a world without bicycles) which are distracting and don’t fit the setting. This is where keeping it simple comes in handy. Call a spade a spade and be direct. In action and fight scenes, pare back the prose and use shorter sentences to keep the pacing up, and absolutely do not put exposition or large chunks of passive description in there, because there’s no better way to kill the tension and excitement stone dead.

You also use far, far too many dialogue tags, almost always to no purpose. If someone says sorry we do not need a tag saying it’s an apology. Stick with “said”, and if the intent is unclear (such as whether a character is joking), making note of facial expressions and body language will generally do the trick. Other than that, use tags to indicate if someone is yelling or whispering and you’ll be fine.

Also, if a character is yelling, always put an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence. You have an odd habit of not doing this.

Closing Remarks

You might well be feeling discouraged now, but don’t be! This is very good for a first attempt and it’s very impressive that you finished it – many aspiring authors never reach that stage at all, but once you have done so you’ve made the next big step toward becoming the writer you want to be. Other than all the advice I’ve offered above, my main suggestion now is to put this manuscript aside and go and work on some other projects for a while to expand your experience, which is the best teacher of all. You can then come back and look at it again with fresh eyes, and by then you will hopefully know what to do, whether it be a rewrite or filing it away and moving on to other things. But remember – no time spent writing is ever wasted, and every abandoned or incomplete manuscript is a learning experience. The enthusiasm and dedication you put into this work is wonderful and will see you a long way in your future endeavours.

 

Keep writing and good luck!  

Some people may remember Spoony, aka Noah Antwiler, who was a pretty legendary snarky game and movie reviewer and a member of That Guy With The Glasses. Sadly he had some sort of meltdown and has now basically disappeared, but back in the day he reviewed the Eragon movie on his website. It's no longer available, but guess who saved a copy?

( Read more... )

Now here's a little blast from the past for ya. Who else remembers this delightfully snarky review?
I actually played the game back in the day, and even attempted to do a Let's Play (it fizzled out because I had no idea what I was doing). Basically it's just a really bad ripoff of the original God of War, and in some sections it's outright unplayable. I gave up after the first "flying" minigame - Saphira handles worse than a paper airplane.