TSIASOS Spork: Part 3, Chapter 5: Sic Itur Ad Astra

[ultimate_cheetah]

First off, sorry that this spork took so long. Long story short, the universe hates me and decided that making me have a busy week would be the right thing to do.

Secondly, the title of this chapter is a latin phrase that means "thus one journeys to the stars". It is a metaphor for how someone can be held in great esteem for their deeds, so they can be remembered after they die. Here, they literally fly to the stars. This is a GREAT sign for the rest of the chapter, isn't it?

Kira and her team run from the SUPER DANGEROUS Seeker. It’s so TOTALLY DANGEROUS that Kira has no chance of fighting it. She uses Discount Venom’s memory banks to give us some backstory on it.

She remembered them from ages past: creatures made to enforce the word of the Heptarchy. 

Okay, this is actually pretty interesting. Why would an organization have something as terrifying and dangerous as this in their disposal, unless they were not exactly good. The Vanished are portrayed as good in Kira’s memories, but that could be because Discount Venom was created by them. And, this could have some implications about the suit as well.

A single one had wreaked havoc on the Jellies during the Sundering; she feared to think what it might do to the League if it escaped the planet.

My google doc is actually trying to correct the grammar on this thing. (“Feared what” instead of “Feared to think what”.) Other than that, I actually want to know more about what happened with the mysterious aliens vanishing, and this whole war. THIS should be the story. Not this excuse for a plot. 

Of course, this isn’t touched on at all in the future. 

Anyway…

Other Jellies start running away. Meanwhile, the fallout from the nuclear explosion last chapter is getting closer. Kira “wonders” if she will have to “get some radiation pills from the medic.” 

First of all, I guess she just thinks of Vishal as “the medic”. Crap, even Paolini doesn’t care about this guy. Second of all, (grits teeth) why are you thinking about this NOW? In the first book of the Expanse Series, Leviathan Wakes, the two protagonists are running through a colony while a deadly virus has spread, and they get a dose of radiation. They basically think “Oh Crap”, and continue running. It’s only after they get back to safety that they get treated. 

An extra pulls video feed showing the Seeker up and it pops in front of Kira. Because that’s not a hazard or anything. 

Even as Kira watched, the Seeker seized a red, dog-like nightmare and sank its black fingers into its skull.

… Props to Paolini, that did make me cringe.

The nightmare is now following and protecting the Seeker. A bunch of Jellies and nightmares have been Seekified already, but no humans, because the Jellies and nightmares are so busy fighting that they don’t notice the Seeker. 

Jeez, I thought these things were supposed to be experienced. Darwin’s rolling in his grave right now. 

Kira and Nelson are not sure what the Seeker is doing, but Lphet tells them the obvious. 

They warn all the Marines, but before they can get this over with, nightmares attack, providing an unnecessary action sequence. SPOILER: Everyone is completely fine. And Kira notices that the nightmares have red blood, unlike the Jellies. I can respect this, though. I think I would notice stuff like that. 

The next part takes a ton of words to say: 

They concentrated on running. “Contact!” shouted a Marine as he loosed several rounds at a nightmare that appeared around the corner of a building. The creature’s head exploded in a red mist.

Hemoglobin,Kira thought. Iron-based blood, unlike the Jellies.

The nightmares continued to harass them in ones and twos as they raced to the city’s edge. When the buildings gave way to moss-covered ground, Kira checked on the situation in orbit. The Wallfish had already passed by the planet and was heading toward the outer reaches of the system. A mess of Jelly and nightmare ships were fighting high overhead: both sides against one another, and the Jellies also against themselves. The Darmstadt was still some distance away from Nidus but inbound fast. Smoke trailed from several burn marks along the cruiser’s hull.

And my summary:

Kira and her cohorts ran deeper into the city, the marines shooting any nightmare that dared attack. They fell, bleeding red. Above them, ships blanketed the sky, Jellies destroying both the nightmares and their own. The Wallfish retreated, fading into the horizon. But the Darmstadt was heading right into the heart of the battle.

That took me 54 words to say. It took Paolini 134 words to say. 

Kira and Cheddar do the thing that comes naturally when you’re running for your life. They talk. I know I like to randomly ask something when a MindRapingZombifyingDeathThing is coming closer. The increased possibility of dying makes everything more fun! What, not you? Weirdos.

It’s Kira (of course) that starts the conversation. She asks Cheddar if she told the Jellies that Kira was still alive. Cheddar, proving she is a nicer person than me, doesn’t flip off Kira for questioning her loyalty in the middle of a battle, and says no. Except she says “Of course not. I wasn’t about to give out enemies actionable information.” And she says it while running. She should only be able to speak in one or two word sentences if they’re really running hard. Kira keeps asking stuff, and Cheddar confirms that yes, the Jellies didn’t know about you until you sent your signal, and they thought the suit was destroyed when you blew up that government ship like a dumbass. (That last insult may have been me.) And then Kira wonders why the Jellies didn’t even try to trace her, and where the nightmares came from, and I think Paolini may have forgotten that they are RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. GAHHH. WHY CAN’T THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE ACTUAL HUMANS??!!! 

(Pauses. Gets out tea and a screaming pillow. Draws a picture of Kira and kills it. Does an ancient summoning ritual to order a demon to slap Paolini every time he can’t control his exposition.)

Okay, we’re good to go. 

Then “dark shapes” with “flapping, bat-like wings” attack. Apparently they’re a type of nightmare. However, your sporker is too busy to care because she’s imagining the tasmanian devil from looney toons with bat wings. Hey, it’s better than the generic demon things these things are. 

There’s also an aurora in the sky from the “nukes” exploding and “antimatter” in the upper atmosphere. 

But behind them is the, GASP, Seeker. It slooooowly walks to the edge of the city, stops, and spreads its wings, which are veined and purplish and nearly nine meters across.

I’m not even going to point out the cliches anymore. This thing is basically a combination of the Ra’zac and the Lethrblaka. This could work. After all, the Lethrblaka never got to do anything relevant, and a fight with something like this could really spice the book up. 

A Marine shoots at the Seeker and it dodges with super speed. Just like the Ra’zac. 

Then it slowly looked back at them with what Kira could only interpret as sheer malevolence.

You know what else looks at things with sheer malevolence? My dog. That dog is a goddamn psycho, so that might not be the best comparison, but still. 

Since hitting the Seeker with a laser bast didn’t work, the Marines fire a BIGGER laser blast. 

It curves around the Seeker (somehow), and the Seeker looks like it’s smiling. 

YES YES DO SOMETHING! DOOO SOMETHING!!!!!

The Seeker’s minions approach. The Jelly ships are just up ahead. They remind Kira of a place where she got her seed license. (What the heck is that?) Cheddar goes with the Jellies because “there’s a chance for peace”. Kira goes with the humans.

The Seeker leapt forward, propelled by its wings. Its minions were almost at the ramp. Kira ran as fast as she could, heart pounding. “Run!” she shouted. But it was too late. The first minion, a large nightmare with too many limbs and eyes, charged toward Kira. She swatted it away with the Soft Blade, but more and more came. Nightmares clawed at her. Jellies stabbed at her. She would’ve been dead many times over if the Soft Blade wasn’t there. Every time she hesitated or froze, the Soft Blade took over, stabbing, swatting, and crushing. Behind her, people screamed as something she couldn’t see attacked. An acrid scent of acid and arsenic flooded her nose. The Jellies’ fear.

Kira attempted to fight her way toward them. They couldn’t die. Not again. Someone screamed. Was that Marie-Elise? Iovana?

Something bright and hot zapped her. She tried to block it, but she couldn’t move. Volts crawled along her entire body, locking her muscles in place. She turned her head, straining against the invisible bonds. The Seeker was striding toward her, the constricting beam of energy flowing from its outstretched hand. She tried to scream but only managed a whimper. Soon, the Seeker would crack her skull and take her mind for its own. She would never see her family again. The thought made Kira feel like she was dunked in ice. No. That won’t happen. I won’t allow that to happen. She put as much force as she could muster into moving the Soft Blade. It didn’t move. Kira tried again. The Seeker was in front of her now. Its hand swung toward her head. The energy bonds straind, then gave. Kira speared the hand when it was an inch from her skull.

I wish. Actually, they board the ships and fly away. The Seeker likely flies off the planet to Florida, where the Lethrblaka have a condo because of their uselessness in the story.

It does JACK FUCKING SHIT. Because FUCK LEARNING THINGS FROM PREVIOUS MISTAKES! FUCK THE READERS! FUCK WRITING THIS FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN PRETENTIOUS WANKERY! OH HA HA YOU JUST WASTED EVERYONE’S TIME PAOLINI! VERY FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA…………………I HATE THIS BOOK!

Totally unrelated, how much does it cost to send a couple of black-cloaked figures with swords, bats, and other implements of pain to Montana?

Also, Nelson carried Trig all this time. And she didn’t fall behind from the strain of carrying a fully grown man.

I’m too lazy to describe the ship so I’ll leave this here:

Like the other Jelly ship Kira had been on, this one smelled of brine, and the lighting was a dim, watery blue. The room was an ovoid, with tubes and masses of unidentifiable equipment along one half, and egg-like capsules along the other. Stored on rows of double-layered racks were scores of what she recognized as weapons: blasters, guns, and even blades.

Kira can smell the Jellies talking, and asks the captain Jelly (Whose name is Wrnakkr, but I will call Cherry) if they can get to the Wallfish. The Jelly says yes, because these aliens suddenly trust these humans despite thinking they were on the opposite side 20 minutes ago. The artificial gravity on the ship is heavier than on earth, which is a nice touch. Kira asks to see outside, and Cherry turns part of the ship transparent. Wow, Cherry is really nice to someone who killed a bunch of his people. Cherry should work in retail.

The nightmares give chase and they ram the ship. They carve a hole into the roof, and “a dense swarm of nightmares pour[s] into the Jelly ship.”

And this couldn’t have been replaced with a Seeker battle because?

That’s the end of the chapter.

My final thoughts are:

1. The talking and unnecessary details should’ve been cut.

2. The Seeker should’ve contributed to something

3. This entire book should’ve been scrapped. I mean it. Interesting stories are lurking in the background, but they’re ignored in favor of this boring bullshit. This story should’ve been kept as a worldbuilding exercise, and Paolini should’ve focused on the Sundering. It would be nice to have a story where no humans come into play. A war between the Jellies sounds interesting.

The next chapter is Into the Dark with Mara and Dienne. Good luck, guys.

Comments

[ultimate_cheetah]

Hey, just like Universal shilling its big exciting new Dark Universe right before releasing one movie which flopped so horribly it killed the franchise right then and there.

I watched the nostalgia critic review of it, and honestly, it looked so boring and convoluted that I couldn't even make sense of it. And universal's next monster movie, The Invisible Man, did much better. It focused on telling an entertaining story, and did so very well.

If CP is going to make this whole "Fractalverse" thing work, whatever comes next had better come soon and it had better be extremely good.

And it better have enough people interested in it. I browsed the r/fractalverse subreddit, and many people are saying the conclusion felt too rushed. (Probably because it came out of nowhere after months of dicking around.)

And in this case it couldn't possibly happen to someone more deserving of a good hard wakeup slap.

I wouldn't mind if he wasn't so ignorant of the fact that him being noticed in the first place was due to luck and his parents having enough money to promote the thing, and second, if he didn't have so many terrible depictions of physical and mental disabilities in his books.

[epistler]

I watched the nostalgia critic review of it, and honestly, it looked so boring and convoluted that I couldn't even make sense of it.

Apparently Tom Cruise was at least partly to blame - the little egomaniac wanted his character to have a bigger role and started seizing more and more creative control over the project, which didn't do anyone any favours.

And universal's next monster movie, The Invisible Man, did much better.

Oh yeah, Invisible Man was bloody brilliant. If extremely harrowing to watch.

And it better have enough people interested in it. I browsed the r/fractalverse subreddit, and many people are saying the conclusion felt too rushed.

It also felt completely out of nowhere, but you've heard me go on about that before.

I wouldn't mind if he wasn't so ignorant of the fact that him being noticed in the first place was due to luck and his parents having enough money to promote the thing, and second, if he didn't have so many terrible depictions of physical and mental disabilities in his books.

The dude needs to get out of his comfort zone and learn something about real life. He comes across as painfully sheltered, and not in an endearing way.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Apparently Tom Cruise was at least partly to blame - the little egomaniac wanted his character to have a bigger role and started seizing more and more creative control over the project, which didn't do anyone any favours.

Isn't the dude a scientologist. And yes, when an actor or a studio steps in and tries to wrest creative control, it never goes well. (And also when no one tells the director "no". Exhibit A: the Star Wars prequels.)

Oh yeah, Invisible Man was bloody brilliant. If extremely harrowing to watch.

It was terrifying both on an unfamiliar level (the terror of being stalked by an invisible monster), and a familiar level (the terror of being trapped in an abusive relationship with someone who disguises it very well).

It also felt completely out of nowhere, but you've heard me go on about that before.

Probably because most of the book was spent doing who-knows what. (I can't even remember.)

The dude needs to get out of his comfort zone and learn something about real life. He comes across as painfully sheltered, and not in an endearing way.

Every single time he talks about how most people don't publish a book until they're old because they're too busy, or every time he talks about how GLAD he is that he didn't go to college, it just gets more and more annoying. Not saying it's bad to not go to college, but the implication from both those statements is that people who take the long road are doing something wrong because they could achieve their dreams faster if they just focused on them. Like, he was lucky that his parents SOMEHOW had enough time on their hands to let him dress up in a knight costume and tour across schools.

[epistler]

Isn't the dude a scientologist.

I'm afraid so.

And also when no one tells the director "no".

Oh yeah. In any creative endeavour you need someone there to tell you no - usually an editor. No matter how brilliant you are, you're always going to need a restraining influence to help rein in your excesses and put a stop to your less than stellar ideas. If Paolini had had someone to tell him "no" - and the humility to listen to them - then his books could have been SO much better. So many unnecessary or ill-advised scenes would have been cut, and the whole thing would likely have wound up drastically streamlined, with more efficient storytelling and without all those endless pages of self-indulgent Mary Sue wish fulfilment and grotesque main character worship.

Every single time he talks about how most people don't publish a book until they're old because they're too busy, or every time he talks about how GLAD he is that he didn't go to college, it just gets more and more annoying.

Tell me about it. It's like he thinks he's on to some big genius secret to success that the rest of us were too stupid to think of. He certainly comes off as blissfully unaware of just how much he had handed to him on a silver platter. And it's extremely irritating.

[hidden_urchin]

In this interview you get the impression he has/had some idea of how lucky he was, but he doesn't quite make the leap that it's profoundly unusual for parents to stake their family's financial security on their kids.

I'd be very interested to know what he thinks of it now. When you look at something like "The Hollywood Complex" through adult eyes, it's a horror story. You just wonder how many of those families destroyed themselves by being unable to say "no" to the kids.

[epistler]

In this interview you get the impression he has/had some idea of how lucky he was, but he doesn't quite make the leap that it's profoundly unusual for parents to stake their family's financial security on their kids.

He mastered the art of false modesty quite early on, and he's still going strong with it today. Except now there's more humblebragging.

I'd be very interested to know what he thinks of it now. When you look at something like "The Hollywood Complex" through adult eyes, it's a horror story.

Oh yeah. This whole "celebrity parents" thing where so-called mature adults do their damndest to make their kid famous so they can rake in the cash is absolutely grotesque. The fact that it sometimes works doesn't make it any less disgusting or morally reprehensible.

[ultimate_cheetah]

I'm afraid so.

There's a certain line of crazy that shouldn't be crossed, and Scientology stomps all over it.

No matter how brilliant you are, you're always going to need a restraining influence to help rein in your excesses and put a stop to your less than stellar ideas.

Yep. Everything from scientific achievements to movies have a bunch of people behind them.

*No matter how brilliant you are, you're always going to need a restraining influence to help rein in your excesses and put a stop to your less than stellar ideas. *

Congratulations, the son of a publisher liked your book. And they decided to give only a few cursory edits.

[epistler]

There's a certain line of crazy that shouldn't be crossed, and Scientology stomps all over it.

Yeah, no kidding. It was literally started as a money-making scam by a known con artist who flat-out put it down in black and white that he was going to start a religion because it was an easy way to get his hands on lots of cash. And people still fell for it! FFS.

Congratulations, the son of a publisher liked your book. And they decided to give only a few cursory edits.

The son of author Carl Hiaasen, actually. But he still passed it on to a publisher, and the publisher was cynical enough to put it out there for a nice easy profit. Sigh.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Yeah, no kidding. It was literally started as a money-making scam by a known con artist who flat-out put it down in black and white that he was going to start a religion because it was an easy way to get his hands on lots of cash. And people still fell for it! FFS.

I've often joked about starting a cult but this is the first time I've considered that could actually be achievable.

The son of author Carl Hiaasen, actually. But he still passed it on to a publisher, and the publisher was cynical enough to put it out there for a nice easy profit. Sigh.

Right, thanks. Sometimes I feel that good editors (and publishers) don't get enough credit.

[epistler]

Sometimes I feel that good editors (and publishers) don't get enough credit.

They really don't, and plenty of them end up forced to work on books they know are garbage because it's that or get fired by some bean-counter who couldn't possibly care less about all that artistic integrity nonsense.

[ultimate_cheetah]

They really don't, and plenty of them end up forced to work on books they know are garbage because it's that or get fired by some bean-counter who couldn't possibly care less about all that artistic integrity nonsense.

That sucks. At least all the bad books allow us to appreciate good books more.

Also like the Nostalgia Critic said, it's hard to believe that something this phoned in can get approved. (He said that about the movie, but it also applied to the book.) However, I'm starting to see how it's apparently much easier than I thought.

[epistler]

When I was younger I thought only the best books got published. I ultimately learned that in reality what gets published is whatever someone thinks will sell, and that it's not necessarily the same thing. Publishers absolutely do prefer good, original books... but if it's good and original and too hard to market, they'll pick easy to market trash over the good original book any day of the week.

[ultimate_cheetah]

It is sad. I wonder what kind of books are considered hard to market?

[epistler]

Generally, the stuff that's considered too different, too 'out there', or which deals with subject matter considered too controversial.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Oh. I sorta figured. Easier to go with safer things, right?

[epistler]

People like to explore new things, and they also enjoy the comfort of familiarity, but in both cases only up to a point.

[ultimate_cheetah]

So the trick is to find a balance between those two?

[epistler]

Yeah, pretty much.