Shadowed By Wings Spork, Part Five

[epistler]

Part Five: The Bestiality Returns

Anyway, so now it’s time to get back to the real point of the story: the dragon sex. Yeah, I didn’t miss it either. We now learn Kratt’s nefarious purpose (because of course he has one) – he wants to use Zarq to find out the secret of breeding bulls in captivity, and yep – he knows all about the dragon tongue sex thing. As you would expect, Zarq is pretty shocked to find out it wasn’t that secret after all. That night Dono escorts her to the secret chamber to perform the rite, but not before grabbing a rock and telling Zarq to knock him out and make a run for it, because if she doesn’t she’ll die. In a weirdly romantic moment she turns him down, saying she can handle it.

Wow, she really wants more dragon lovin’. Even though doing it means totally playing into Kratt’s hands. Isn’t she supposed to want that guy dead?

After a lot of not very interesting descriptions of the scenery, Zarq finally meets up with the dragonmaster, who lectures her about how “dragons are primarily aerial beasts”. Do I need to go over why this line of dialogue is stupid, or have I made my point by now? For the record, I only know one kind of person who talks like this, and the answer is “scientists”. (Yes, I’ve spent time with scientists. Try not to look too surprised).

After that pointless interlude, the dragonmaster introduces her to her hookup for the night – a female dragon this time. Ooh, so now we get hot lesbian human/dragon sex? Awesome. He goes on about how she has to tell him exactly what she learns from the “ritual”, and in a semi-surprising moment he hisses that once he has the secret he will use it to help the Djimbi.

Plot twist!

And now, the sex.

Oh wait, instead we get exposition about the Djimbi (hey, take your time – I’m in absolutely no hurry to get to the dragon sex). Zarq goes on and on about how the Djimbi were raped and castrated and slaughtered and enslaved, largely because of their gross dragon sex-centric culture. Even so they’re good with dragons, and the dragonmaster’s obvious Djimbi blood is the reason why he’s so good at his job (as usual this is told, not shown). Zarq, who for some reason doesn’t have Djimbi colouring (so… what colouring does she have? It’s not explained), apparently has their lust for dragons thanks to her heritage.

As always the term “piebald” is used to describe the Djimbi, because apparently the author still hasn’t looked that word up in the dictionary.

We finally get to the point, as the “destrier” (seriously, stop calling them that. They’re dragons, not horses) sticks her tongue in, and Zarq sees visions of the dragon’s ancestors and is privy to their emotions and “impenetrable sagacity”. But alas – she can’t understand what they’re saying, because apparently it’s all “song”. (So… they’re Paolini elves?).

The dragon pulls out, and Zarq thinks about how “beautiful and unattainable” she is, and I’m caught between laughing and cringing as I realise this reads exactly like Eragon lusting over Arya.

The dragonmaster demands to know what she’s learned, and a frustrated Zarq says she couldn’t understand it because they “they speak in music, not words”. He’s pissed off and declares that they’ll keep on doing it until she figures out how to understand said music. End chapter, and you’d better thank me for not including any quotes this time around, because believe it it was nasty as hell. The worst part by far was the author’s attempts at making it “erotic”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here with my head down the toilet, being violently sick.

We’re now halway through the book, by the way.

Dono carries Zarq back to her hammock and takes care of her while she rambles on about “dragonsong”. After a while she gets a bit better and goes from “confused” to “horny”. She starts coming on to Dono, until the – uh – simmering sexual tension boils over and they have gross, poorly described sex which somehow manages to be almost as distasteful as the dragon sex. Yet again the author apparently doesn’t know how wombs work, as Dono supposedly climaxes in Zarq’s. I already went over how this is anatomically impossible in the last spork.

Anyway, while they’re fucking Dono ruins the mood somewhat by saying Waivia’s name. Why is everyone so obsessed with the woman? Personally I got sick of hearing about her in the first book, right about the time Zarq described her unrealistically sexy bod and “swollen vulva”. (No I am not going to let that go).

Oh, but it gets worse. Now Zarq is finally doing it with a man for the first time, she finds his “performance somewhat lacking compared to that of a dragon”.

You have got to be fucking kidding me with this. The author really doesn’t waste a single opportunity to take a dump on the male gender, does she? Nope, apparently bestiality with possibly fatal side effects is preferable to letting a filthy dirty pathetic man anywhere near you.

Zarq asks him to leave off, and surprisingly he does. He then gets all weepy, moping about how Waivia was his first love and how it’s Zarq’s fault he lost her. But he apparently also blames himself (which he should, up to a point). Zarq tells him it’s not his fault, or hers – it’s the Temple’s fault for not paying up and forcing the clan to sell Waivia. We then get a weird moment where some sort of shadowy bird thing lifts away from them both and flies away, and apparently this is the embodiment of their mutual regrets being lifted from them. I have no idea where the hell that came from, and I’m pretty sure it’ll never be mentioned again. Nice asspull, author.

Alternatively, if it was just supposed to be a visual metaphor, it was a godawful one.

Cue more descriptions of training, and we’re informed that Dono “wrestled with his own complex emotions” as he’s torn between “solicitude and anger” toward Zarq.

Do I even need to say this is told, not shown? I doubt it. Nice bit of overwriting there too, author. Been eating Thesaurus Flakes for breakfast again, have we?

Meanwhile Zarq is happily looking forward to her next session with the dragon, because she’s well and truly sick in the head by this point. Not that this will ever be acknowledged.

Hm, we  haven’t had anything really distasteful in at least a page! Let’s fix that. Cut to Zarq being yelled at for not going at the dragonball dummy hard enough. Yes, you heard that correctly. They have a big old imitation dragon scrotum made out of leather, and the apprentices have to practise rubbing it. Charming.

Wait, why do dragons have ballsacks anyway? I thought they were supposed to be reptiles. Last time I checked, male reptiles didn’t have external testicles; that’s a mammal thing. *throws up hands*

But enough of that – Zarq has another visitor! This time it’s Kratt’s allegedly nicer half brother, Ghepp. Well actually his name is Rutkar Re Ghepp, but I’m damned if I’m typing all that out again. For some damn reason Ghepp is described as wearing “a rich emerald waist shirt and slitted, fawn pantaloons” (nice grammar there, author. Where the fuck was the proofreader?). The hell is a “waist shirt”, and why is he dressed up like a 16^th Century Italian dandy anyway?  I’m picturing something out of The Merchant of Venice, which really isn’t helping my suspension of belief any.

Predictably, we get a completely unnecessary infodump about Ghepp’s background and how his father had teh secks with lots of different pleasure slaves, and how he had a second brother who died of snakebite, blah blah blah.

Oh, and the author feels it necessary to specify that he was “born from the womb of [really long name/description of some random woman we’ll never see]”. Babies come from wombs, huh? Who fucking knew?? Thanks for enlightening me, Ms Cross. I guess all those primary school health classes were a complete waste of time.

We finally get to the point, as Zarq informs us that Ghepp is said to be more thoughtful and less impulsive than Kratt the sadist. I guess Ghepp just stood there patiently doing nothing at all while she ran through all of this for the reader’s benefit. I’m reminded of that painful scene in Brisingr where Nasuada is talking to some random warlord and the scene is paused like a video game so she can narrate a bunch of blah-blah about jewellery. After which the scene resumes as if nothing had happened.

Zarq unpauses the scene and goes to wash up before talking to him, and cue a ridiculously purple description of first his clothes (again) and then his face.  Drink this in, ladies ‘n’ gents.

I raised my head, couldn’t help it, and met the steady gaze of his canted [???] chestnut eyes [how does she know what a chestnut is?]. His dark hair was slightly tousled above his slender brows, and his full lips, centered below high cheekbones the colour of fine aged ivory, [so… yellow?] were slightly parted. His was a beautiful face, one many a woman spun romantic fantasies about, and many a man too.

Why on earth is she rhapsodising about his pretty looks anyway?

And no, Ghepp is not due to become Zarq’s love interest or anything. We’re just randomly informed in minute detail that he’s super handsome for whatever reason.

Finally, after three pages of screwing around, Ghepp is allowed to speak. He “murmurs”, asking her what she’s doing there, and she repeats her usual explanation about how she’s allowed because she’s got no ladybits (then how is she having pain-free sex, may I ask?).

Ghepp says he’s heard all that before and asks if she has ambitions to become a dragonmaster herself. She says yes, then randomly becomes fascinated by a little razor nick on his chin (just how she knows he got it shaving is anybody’s guess).

Ghepp asks why she’s so keen, and Zarq has the spine to say she plans to use her position of power to stand up for the little guy, adding that as a woman she has “vision and scope that another apprentice, who is driven only by glory and fame, lacks.”

Because no man could ever have vision or scope, or be interested in doing anything humanitarian. Nope, only a woman could possibly do that. Because women are better than men, obviously.

You sexist pig.

Ghepp and Zarq then have a verbal sparring match, and Zarq pulls a Roran by suddenly becoming super eloquent. She also becomes super insightful for no damn reason, coming out with clever little platitudes such as “the person who risks nothing and does nothing is nothing”.

Says the woman who spent the entire first book doing absolutely nothing. Are we supposed to infer that she’s learned her lesson? I don’t know, it comes right the fuck out of nowhere!

Ghepp counters that she’s a damn peasant who doesn’t know anything about politics, duplicity or scheming, and has no subtlety. And he’s absolutely correct. Zarq shoots back that being a peasant means she understands hardship and loss, and “stength alone knows conflict”. Uh… what? That doesn’t make any sense!

I’m very much reminded of Paolini’s own attempts at sounding profound. At first glance it looks clever and meaningful, but if you put a moment’s thought into it you realise that in fact it’s almost completely meaningless.

Paolini-like, Ghepp responds by calling Zarq clever and courageous, thereby “subtly” informing the reader that she’s supposed to be both when in fact she shows no evidence of being smart, and very little evidence of being brave (stupidly reckless would be a more accurate description). Please pat yourself on the back a little more there, author.

Finally he leaves, saying he’ll be keeping an eye on her. The dragonmaster, predictably, isn’t happy about it and tells Zarq that Ghepp may well decide to use her to get rid of Kratt, because if the Temple decides to step in over the whole “girl apprentice” thing, Kratt will get the blame and be disinherited. He adds that Ghepp is no friend of theirs. In other words, Zarq should probably have kept her mouth shut. And not for the first time.

So basically what we have here is that three different people in positions of power want to use Zarq for their own purposes. Kratt and Ghepp both want to inherit the Clutch by using her as a pawn against each other, and the dragonmaster wants to use her to learn the secret of breeding bull dragons, so he can help the Djimbi. Zarq, meanwhile, wants to help her fellow peasants. Oh, and the Skykeeper wants her to find Waivia, aka Sir Not Appearing In This Film Book. In the hands of a better author this could have been a really interesting setup with a whole buttload of suspense, but as it is I’m just bored, because while she’s incredibly good at writing material that makes me want to vomit and characters I want to strangle, Mr Cross is absolutely terrible at building any sort of suspense or advancing the plot in any meaningful way. Zarq is supposed to be in an incredibly perilous position right now, but I’m just not feeling it.

Cut to Dono taking Zarq for another session with the dragon. As usual he’s not happy about it, and in a truly distasteful scene he tries to reason with her by saying he can give her all the sex she needs as an alternative, and she responds incredulously, thinking he’s totally stupid for not realising he can’t give her what she wants because he isn’t a dragon. Meanwhile Dono has a visible hardon and Zarq somehow magically knows it’s because he’s turned on by his belief that she’s such a nymphomaniac she’s prepared to do it with a dragon. He then shocks both Zarq and myself by formally proclaiming that he’s giving up his apprenticeship and claiming her as his wife and has already planned out how they can leave for the capital city and begin a new life with children and so on. He promises to provide for and protect her, etc., which is jolly decent of him. Zarq turns him down flat, and he’s flabbergasted because when a man officially “claims” a woman she’s not allowed to say no. Even so she insists that she’s not going anywhere and isn’t giving up her apprenticeship for him.

This could have worked as some sort of star-crossed romance thing, but the author predictably ruins it when Dono quite rightly flies into a rage and accuses her of being so disgusting that she prefers a dragon over him, and is just using him as a substitute. He even uses the old “you’re thinking of [rival] when we fuck, aren’t you?” line. Zarq spits back that he’s obviously thinking of Waivia, as if the two were remotely comparable.

The spat continues:

“She’s human.”

“A dragon is divine,” I countered.

“You’re depraved.”

“You’re desperate.”

“I’m offering to give up my apprenticeship!” he roared. “I’m willing to risk my life for you, to save you from execution!”

Needless to say this doesn’t work. Dono is willing to give up everything he ever wanted, just to save Zarq’s worthless hide and give her a better life, and he gets no gratitude for it whatsoever. Zarq, the idiot, declares that this is her “destiny” and stomps off for more dragon sex.

Will this particularly moronic and futile gesture have repercussions? Oh, you’d better believe it will (for once). End chapter.

We’re now 174 pages in, and virtually nothing has happened. But that’s about to change, and not in a good way. This is Janine Cross we’re talking about, after all.