Not a necessarily bad piece of writing but it still doesn't have the emotional impact to me that it should. Can't put a finger on the why.
Well, the first bit, about her head feeling ready to burst, does work for me... I think it's that the metaphor is all too complex for someone in her situation. If she thinks about how the pieces of her broken heart are stabbing her, she probably isn't as distraught as all that.
And now I couldn't play piano at the neighbor's houses anymore.
I mean, you couldn't do it before now, either. And, indeed, who's to say that she can't play at the others?
Oh hey, there's Kelly's old standby of 'sizzle'. I seriously will never be able to use that word again.
Yeah, that's a quite bad word to use here. She needs to let her emotions go, after all, so they're hardly "sizzling".
Good on her for getting to play the piano, I guess?
All the telling with no showing and it's interrupting the flow of the story >:[.
I wonder if Kelly was thinking of this stuff as she wrote it and remembered she needed to explain what was going on.
Do we get any reason why Mama thinks it's bad that Williams will bring people together?
For drinking during Prohibition, I suppose it's possible?
Yes, I do really like some parts, but I don't get the feeling that Kelly knew what she wanted to write about here, so we just got reiterations of how bad it is for Williams. And it is, but I think this should maybe be a bit more focused on the music instead.
Grandpa says he'll give her fifty cents(! that's a lot back then!) if she plays him his music from his favorite opera.
Using an inflation calculator, that would be $9.40 now. That's certainly quite much for this!
Yes, this is more what I wanted.
At least muskellunges do live in that area?
Oh, I see "Johnkankus" actually is a thing even in the present day. The way Kelly makes it sound, it died out before the twentieth century.
"During the end of November and start of December the plantation masters invited the slaves of nearby planters to come shuck corn on a particular night."
I... why does Grandpa sound like he doesn't actually know what slavery was? At the least, Kelly desperately needed to do more research.
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Date: 2024-12-23 08:46 pm (UTC)Poor Williams!
Not a necessarily bad piece of writing but it still doesn't have the emotional impact to me that it should. Can't put a finger on the why.
Well, the first bit, about her head feeling ready to burst, does work for me... I think it's that the metaphor is all too complex for someone in her situation. If she thinks about how the pieces of her broken heart are stabbing her, she probably isn't as distraught as all that.
And now I couldn't play piano at the neighbor's houses anymore.
I mean, you couldn't do it before now, either. And, indeed, who's to say that she can't play at the others?
Oh hey, there's Kelly's old standby of 'sizzle'. I seriously will never be able to use that word again.
Yeah, that's a quite bad word to use here. She needs to let her emotions go, after all, so they're hardly "sizzling".
Good on her for getting to play the piano, I guess?
All the telling with no showing and it's interrupting the flow of the story >:[.
I wonder if Kelly was thinking of this stuff as she wrote it and remembered she needed to explain what was going on.
Do we get any reason why Mama thinks it's bad that Williams will bring people together?
For drinking during Prohibition, I suppose it's possible?
Yes, I do really like some parts, but I don't get the feeling that Kelly knew what she wanted to write about here, so we just got reiterations of how bad it is for Williams. And it is, but I think this should maybe be a bit more focused on the music instead.
Grandpa says he'll give her fifty cents(! that's a lot back then!) if she plays him his music from his favorite opera.
Using an inflation calculator, that would be $9.40 now. That's certainly quite much for this!
Yes, this is more what I wanted.
At least muskellunges do live in that area?
Oh, I see "Johnkankus" actually is a thing even in the present day. The way Kelly makes it sound, it died out before the twentieth century.
"During the end of November and start of December the plantation masters invited the slaves of nearby planters to come shuck corn on a particular night."
I... why does Grandpa sound like he doesn't actually know what slavery was? At the least, Kelly desperately needed to do more research.
Until next time!