antishurtugal_reborn

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Who wants to bet this whole arc, or at least the fact that it centers around a fish, came out of the pun that is this chapter’s title?

It's not even an original one; we already had a chapter called "Dragon Tales" in book one. But we all know how much Paolini loves his puns, groan.

Speaking of which, I recently observed to a friend that genuinely good comedy always seems to come from people who have suffered (I mean just look at what a sad person Robin Williams was). In other words people who know about life and can therefore make amusing observations about it.

Paolini again indicates to me at least that he doesn't know anything much about life and hasn't ever truly suffered because his idea of comedy, even in "my first real novel for grown-ups with grown-up characters who have a really dark sense of humour" extends no further than slapstick, Monty Python references, and puns.

In like fashion, he hurried back to the hollow where Thorn was waiting.

Because that is all Thorn does. Hang around while Morontagh does stuff.

Murtagh rubs some dirt on his face to look like a peasant and heads back into the city to gather information.

They'll never see through that cunning disguise! And why would a peasant automatically have dirt on his face anyway? And what is Morontagh wearing at this point? I doubt he's dressed as a peasant.

Paolini’s purple prose does not sound natural.

Like I said before, he never writes what comes naturally to him unless it be gratuitous violence and gore, or the main character being a whiny, selfish bully. Those are the only times he doesn't seem to be forcing it.

Yeah, I’m honestly at a loss for what to do with that.

"Must a be a King. He hasn't got shit all over 'im."

Why doesn't he just use magic to disguise himself instead of this rubbish?

I will say, though: why didn’t Murtagh think of this before? Hell, why did he not think of gathering information about the fish before? Murtagh isn’t the kind of person who just jumps right into a task blind. That’s Eragon.

Because Paolini only knows how to write one protagonist, ie an impulsive moron who never thinks ahead or takes responsibility for anything, and writes them over and over again.

Not that that’s saying much in this interminably unnecessary Part II of this interminably unnecessary book.

It really, really isn't.

And he set out at a steady trot, again heading toward Gil’ead.

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING TROTTING YOUR CHARACTER IS NOT A CENTAUR

Instead, we get another encounter with the street urchins from back in “Hostile Territory”. It’s not explicitly stated that they recognize Murtagh despite the grime, but I get the impression that they do, and Murtagh doesn’t exactly help matters by making it very clear that he recognizes them.

Gosh, waltzing into a city where thousands of people saw you about a year ago and then doing this on top. What a smart man our guy is. I note that he doesn't take this as a cue to get the fuck out of there either. And shouldn't the guards be on high alert looking for the graverobber?!

This is not my Murtagh. I don’t think I even need to explain why.

You don't. The Murtagh I know would hate it, not revel in it, even subtly.

Hell, it doesn’t even really make sense for his Murtagh! Why is he only now the kind of person others need to be afraid of? Murtagh was a capable fighter from well before the moment he was introduced!

Not any more he ain't.

Generic drink order? Check. Barkeep has a transcribed lower-class accent? Check. Barkeep is described as fat and slovenly? Check. Money handling described as sketchily as possible? Check. Shitty unwashed mugs? Check. Pouring from a cask? Check, check, check. I think I’ve won Fantasy Dive Bar Bingo.

Good god, that's so over the top clichéd it comes across as a parody

Also, a pregnant paunch? Ewwwww. Yes, I know this is supposed to be gross, but that is well over the threshold of gross. Maybe I’m biased because of my tokophobia, but come on. Has Paolini been reading Bukowski?

He just won't quit using pregnancy as a metaphor and I hate it.

This is sloppy writing.

Wow, sloppy writing coming from Paolini of all people? It's almost as if he still hasn't gotten any better.

I see Paolini’s tendency to attempt to make things feel legendary merely by making them large is rearing its ugly head again.

Yeah, why couldn't Muckmaw be small and really fast and that's why he's so impossible to catch? Also I'm now thinking of the hidden giant slaughterfish in Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. Remind me to dig up a picture of it for my spork of the next chapter.

Then he picked up that one, put it back in the lake, and told the boys it would torment them from then on for being such little shits.

Well that was wildly OOC, even given how little we knew about Durza. Why would he give a damn about some random fish? He's acting like some sort of vengeful fae guardian of the lake, cursing foolish mortals for fucking around with nature.

Anyway, whatever spells Durza cast on this fish have apparently made it too smart to trap and immune to hooks, spears, and arrows.

So... he gave it FUCKING WARDS. What the hell is powering said FUCKING WARDS?

and for fuck’s sake now he’s gonna rip off the Dead Marshes, isn’t he?

He is, and hard. And again the elves are described as acting like murderous psychopaths instead of life-honouring vegetarian peaceniks (and that's only going to get worse too when you find out what they did with those soldiers).

Sure, this guy has been sketchy, but when exactly did we see him mistreat his children?

Uh, by using them as accomplices in his crimes? Yeah, no. This is ridiculous.

#NotMyMurtagh takes the guy’s purse and dagger just as his kids come out of the tavern.

So, now Morontagh is a judgemental hyper-violent asshat who also robs his victim who is clearly POOR and has children to support. This is awful on so many levels. Like did it not occur to him that maybe this little family turned to crime because it was that or starve?

He almost wished he’d killed the man. The children might have been better off because of it.

Oh yeah, traumatising them for life by killing their dad in front of them and also leaving them without a provider would definitely leave them "better off". You idiot.

All he could be certain of was that he hated the man and his brutish stupidity.

YOU KNEW HIM FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES.

And in any case you're the one who blundered into the trap like a fucking idiot, so you're in no position to be casting aspersions on other people's intelligence or lack thereof. After all, the guy successfully got one over on you.

#NotMyMurtagh reports everything to Thorn, who makes a snarky remark about him getting in fights.

Because he's an idiot, yes. I note that Thorn is not showing any concern either.

Unfortunately, Thorn gets a little overly excited,

Again. Because yay killing!

Yeah, all the tension that chapter end might have managed to build is about to get absolutely pissed away. But we’ll hear about that in the next chapter spork, which will be written by the inimitable Epistler.

Hoo boy prepare for more of my patented Epistler Rants, big time.

The more I read of this section of the book, the more unnecessary it feels. Knowing what lies beyond it, though, I can’t help but wonder whether I’ve been dragging my feet on these sporks because there’s worse to come.

Oh yeah, this part of the book is SO much better than what's to come, purely by comparison. I'm already dreading the goddamn torture chapters.

But with a new year coming in and a new book apparently in the works, it’s high time to ramp this up.

Best to just rip the bandaid off sometimes.