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antishurtugal_rebornAlong comes even more overwritten, boring description. And now Saphira is unceremoniously added in with the detail that Eragon is using her as a backrest. We get a big description of exactly what Roran is sitting on and what it looks like and how it creaks every time he moves.
You know what? I’m going to try not to make a habit of this, but I’m adding another count right now.
OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 2
One for this, and one for the previous chapter’s boring description of stuff that doesn’t matter.
We’re eventually given an “explanation” as to why Saphira wasn’t in Eragon’s mind earlier. It’s because now, right the fuck out of nowhere, they have to keep their minds separate because it’s OMG TOO DANGEROUS to be in mental contact. This was not a thing in the previous two books and makes absolutely no sense for a bunch of different reasons, the most glaring of which is if dragon and Rider are “more one mind than two” you shouldn’t be just switching it off like this. And how does them being in contact leave them open to mental assault anyway?
Well never mind about any of that because we just move on to Saphira telling him she’s impressed by how the Razzle Dazzles get their prey to want to be eaten. I guess referring to them taking advantage of the cult? She adds that maybe she should try it, which would seem to negate that idea because Eragon tells her not to do it with people but sheep are okay. So if Saphira’s not going to set herself up as a god, what is she even referring to here? Since when did the Razzles have some kind of magic that makes people lie down and let themselves become dinner?
Of course this is also ignoring her subsequent remark which is that she doesn’t see any difference between people and sheep before laughing.
This is supposed to be one of the heroes, right? Just as concerningly, Eragon has no reaction. Not even a laugh to reassure us that she was just joking. Instead he picks up a random staff and we get a big description of that as well before we’re informed that Roran gave it to him (in a sentence which is very grammatically wonky indeed; nice work Michelle Frey and Michele Burke and Artie Bennett.) This leads into some further exposition about how Eragon is so fucking stupid he chose the staff over getting another sword because BAWWW he doesn’t want to use an inferior one now he’s lost Za’roc.
Eragon, the fate of the land is (allegedly) at stake and you’re in (allegedly) mortal danger. You are in no position to be whining about whether you have the perfect sword or not. This is selfish even for him.
We also learn that Roran told him you can win just about any fight with a good big stick, because Paolini doesn’t know a damn thing about combat and we’re just blithely ignoring the fact that Eragon was never trained in how to fight with a staff. Oh and Roran still has his equally impractical and useless weapon, ie that hammer which is not balanced for combat and is not long-handled enough to be swung with anything like the kind of momentum you’d need to cave in metal helmets, and is not going to be heavy enough either.
Then, right the fuck out of nowhere, Eragon has a PTSD flashback! Or at least Paolini’s ham-handed attempt at depicting one, as he suddenly thinks about Murtagh sneering as he takes Za’roc off him and declares that they’re brothers. Eragon comes out of it feeling “the taste of bile”, which doesn’t make any sense since that would imply he puked or similar, which he hasn’t.
Naturally he’s not actually, you know, upset. Instead he just sits there thinking about Murtagh and has “a welter of confused emotions”, which is far, far too imprecise and vague to mean anything. He claims to like Murtagh and that Murtagh helped him and is “a victim of fate”.
But then he immediately jumps to thinking about how Murtagh really seems to enjoy his new powers and killed the Dwarf King “although Galbatorix had not ordered Murtagh to do so”. I’m sorry, how the hell does Eragon know that? Would his first assumption have been that Galby DID order him to do it? Because it’s not as if taking out enemy leaders is a sensible strategy or anything, right?
Oh and also Murtagh “derived entirely too much pleasure from the anguish he inflicted upon Eragon” by telling him they’re both Morzan’s sons. Anguish. Right. Eragon rationalised that away in one paragraph, and just why he should even care that much is beyond me.
He ultimately decides to settle on victim blaming and condemning Murtagh as a lost cause, because he’s just such a nice guy, you know.
Saphira interrupts just as he’s starting to sort of accept some blame for Murtagh getting abducted in the first place, and Eragon is grateful for this because author forbid anything be his fault. Eragon, you stood by and allowed it to happen because you cared more about your own safety than helping your supposed friend.
He now tells us he keeps brooding about the whole thing, then blithely moves on to thinking about how the day after the battle of the Burning Plains the Varden was preparing to follow the retreating Imperial Army (make note of this because next time we see them they’re not going anywhere), he went to Nausea and Arya and asked for permission to go get Katrina back.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 4
They both said no, but then Saphira gave a “presentation” (well that’s what it says) in which she talks them into it and oh what if Galby threatens to kill Katrina! Uh, how is he supposed to do that when she’s not in his captivity? And also Murtagh and Thorn are going back to the capital and they have to eliminate the Razzle Dazzles before they start going after the Varden. Uh, why is she assuming they’re going to actually do that? Because they haven’t done it, nor threatened to.
She also blackmailed Nausea by saying that if she has a disagreement with Eragon that could cause dissent and “undermine the Varden’s cause”… somehow (what even is their “cause”?), before finally declaring that she at least is going because it sounds like “a fine adventure”.
Yeah, fighting four terrifying monsters (let’s pretend) to rescue a prisoner is her idea of an adventure. That’s how much weight she’s giving this. God Saphira is awful.
And why did we need to get all this in flashback anyway? Why can’t we be having stuff actually happen? This is supposed to be an exciting fantasy story with fights and such but this is all we get? In the opening chapters, no less?
Nor are we going to get a reprieve now, because we get more boring exposition about the journey and what Eragon and Roran wore and how they saw a bunch of men and resources being gathered by the army (if the Imperial Army is 100,000 strong already, why do they need even more recruits and how is the population able to sustain this?). Blah blah blah.
OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 3
In a further example of how utterly disjointed this scene is, we move on without notice to them hearing something and freaking out because oh no was that a sword being drawn?! Saphira’s only reaction is to say she can’t smell anything. So much for those animal instincts. And why don’t they have any FUCKING WARDS set up to alert them about this stuff and/or hide their camp?
Eragon makes a red werelight (using the AL words for “fire red” which makes no sense). Then he and Roran sneak off to see what it was. While Saphira… does nothing. As usual. They find a piece of fallen rock which makes the same noise and immediately conclude that everything is fine. Because never mind what might have dislodged it, right?
Eragon thinks about how they’re both bundles of nerves now because of all the fights they’ve been in taking away their complacency, which is hilariously disingenuous considering the way they actually behave when there’s a fight coming up, or while fighting. Then it suddenly becomes all feral grins and flashy kills and laughing like psychopaths.
But Paolini thinks he has the chops to write trauma into his little book (I’m calling it little as a deliberate insult because it’s fucking huge and he won’t shut up about how OMG BIGLY HUGE his books are) and proceeds to blunder on in his usual clueless and insulting fashion as Eragon and Roran suddenly start talking about seeing the people they’ve killed in their dreams. Eragon is completely bland about it and just sits there and listens to Roran whine about those guards he killed in Teirm and oh he never intended to hurt anyone but he had no choice whine. Roran, you had every choice. You chose to kill. And afterwards patted yourself on the back about it and will be doing more of that in the future. But oh woe he feels SO BAD ABOUT IT HONEST!!
Then Eragon pretends to feel bad as well and does an even worse job of it, complete with this disgusting comment:
“I know what we do is right, but right doesn’t mean easy.”
He then whines about how he basically has no choice but to slaughter “entire battalions of soldiers” because of who he and Saphira are and it’s expected of them.
Bullshit. This is nothing but self-serving lip service coming from one of the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever seen in fiction whose name wasn’t Howard Roark. If you feel so bad about it, then that should be your big tipoff that no, this isn’t right. Nor is it justified. And no, nobody is forcing you into it. You swore loyalty to Nausea? So freaking what! There are countless better ways of overthrowing Galby and you picked the most cruel and destructive one because you’re lazy and refuse to admit that you just like terrorising and killing people. Which you do, and other than the odd interlude of this kind of selfish whining there’s plenty of evidence for it.
In fact I’m proven right in the very next paragraph, when Saphira speaks up and actually points out to them that yeah, they enjoy fighting and they take pleasure in seeing dead “enemies” pilled in front of them, and Eragon knows what she’s talking about.
Eragon knows damn well he doesn’t have a leg to stand on because he doesn’t even try to contradict her and instead thinks that she’s telling the truth and he doesn’t want to agree with her because that would somehow make him the kind of person he hates. Yeah, too late. Not saying it out loud doesn’t change the fact that yes, you love fighting and killing.
Worse, Saphira sort of apologises and basically says she’s used to being that way (complete with a lie about fighting to survive since the moment she hatched), with the clear implication that they’ll get used to it too like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And that just says it all, doesn’t it? And in the worst way possible. Don’t worry, if you keep at it you’ll just get over the guilt and trauma and otherwise being uncomfortable with what you’re doing.
As every serial killer already knows, it gets easier after the first couple of times. After that you can relax into it and start to really get off on it.
I mean this is what this essentially boils down to.
And after that Eragon grabs some “raspberry mead” and they share a drink – oh, I’m sorry – “partook of the concoction” because Paolini thinks “had a drink” isn’t fancy enough, and just like that the subject is closed and they will never discuss or even mention it again.
I swear, this entire chapter reads like it was planned out using a list of disconnected points Paolini wanted to hit, like it’s several unrelated scenes stitched together with no proper lead-in or conclusion to any of it. It’s just so BAD on so many levels. (And due to get orders of magnitude worse, of course).
Now he’s checked off “MY HEROES HAVE TRAUMA” and “PHILOSOPHISING!” he immediately moves on to them talking about how to fight the Razzle Dazzles with Eragon blathering on about using magic against them in far too much exacting detail. Shouldn’t they have figured this out on the way there when they really would have had nothing better to do?
Of course not; Paotagonists never plan ahead.
Then Eragon and Saphira start speaking in turns for some reason, and we get some absolute nonsense about how this means they’re “acting together as a single entity” which they very obviously are not doing and oh it reduces their individuality which it doesn’t.
This is actually why, in my spitefics, I have my Riders and dragons mentally sync up and speak in unison when they’re allowing the bond to become absolute. Because it actually made sense to me, and also came with the proviso that it’s not a good idea to do it too often because it will have effects on your mental health.
Anyway, the idiots reach the truly absurd conclusion that the Razzles are likely warded against all magic so the only way is to use physical weapons. Because… um, why would they not also be warded against those? This doesn’t make any sense!
FUCKING WARDS: 2
Then they move on to talking about magic generally, with Eragon bullshitting about how he can’t use magic to make Roran stronger and faster even though Galby has done just that with Murtagh and in book four Eragon tells Nausea he can use magic to make her healthier and more long-lived. Because oh, where would the energy come from?? Well where the fuck is Elva getting her energy from to keep the spell on her running, stupid?
Roran asks if Eragon can teach him to use magic, so Eragon gives him a little lesson. Surprise, Roran can’t do it. Eragon gives him a lecture about the dangers of using magic which doesn’t matter because after a brief moment later on Roran just gives up on trying to learn magic forever because oh boohoo it didn’t just instantly work for him.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 5
Then Eragon teaches him how to defend against mental assaults, at some length. Having done so he “tests” Roran by deliberately breaking into his mind and immobilising him. Which is completely unnecessary and horrible, the more so that he actually seems to enjoy it.
Not that this matters either because Roran will never have to fend off a mental assault at any point and nor will he learn how to be a “mindbreaker” as Eragon suggests, implying that anyone can learn.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 6
Now to check off another item on the list! Eragon asks Roran about Katrina and how did he get together with her, in just about the creepiest way possible. Roran tells him he always liked her and wanted to see her smile for the rest of his life. He does at least have the sense to guess Eragon’s trying to get some courting tips because he’s obsessed with Arya, which leads to some more horribly stilted dialogue I won’t inflict on you.
Eragon tries to deny it and finally mentions that she’s a century old. Roran ultimately says that doesn’t matter as long as he fancies her. Saphira butts in that if Eragon was any hornier for her, she’d be trying to kiss Arya herself. Which is really gross, but not as gross as the fact that Eragon reacts to this by hitting her. Asshole.
Anyway, Eragon finally starts whining about how Arya rejected him and he’s so hurt, baww. When Roran points out that there are other fish in the sea he asks what would he have done if Katrina said no? To which Roran says nothing because it apparently never occurred to him. Even though in the last book she was openly threatening to marry someone else so it should have.
Eragon continues to whine, and he sounds far too eloquent for an uneducated peasant who can barely read. Whine whine he’s immortal and can’t get with a mortal woman. Roran is shocked to find out Eragon’s immortal for all of two seconds before he just drops it forever. And it behooves me to point out that Eragon and indeed anyone else being immortal in this thing is pointless. Indeed after this, Eragon being immortal only comes up once, just briefly. It has no consequences regardless of what’s being said here.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 7
Eragon also whines about how much it “bothers” him that he’s a “halfbreed” elf mutant now. No, you aren’t a halfbreed. Your DNA is 100% human and the rest is just magic cosmetics. And no, it doesn’t bother him. Nobody treats him differently except by being nicer to him. The Carp Hat villagers don’t reject him as an outcast or refuse to believe he’s even Eragon. In fact they barely turn a hair.
Shut up, Eragon.
Then that gets dropped as well – forever, of course.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 8
Saphira advises them to sleep, even though Eragon doesn’t sleep any more because he’s too Special.
Instead, Eragon just starts bitching about how he and Saphira are all tired and used up all their energy in the battle. And you didn’t do anything about this before now why exactly? God these characters are idiots. He also bitches about being all sore and bruised and shows Roran a bruise on his forearm.
Roran scoffs and shows him a bruise on his leg, taking his boot off to do so.
Eragon takes his shirt off to show some bruises on his ribs and belly, and this goes on until Eragon drops his pants to show him the massive bruise ON HIS GROIN, complete with the detail that yes, it goes as far as his twig and berries.
Oh and also he’s wearing “woollen underpants”.
FUCKING WOOL: 3
**~~essential story elements~~** : 9
OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 4
Now, this ridiculous and far too erotic (not to mention completely random and out of nowhere) bit has been gone over many, many times before. So instead of talking about how gross and weird and creepy and homoerotic and incestuous this is, I’m going to inform you of something I don’t think anyone else has figured out yet.
Why is it so out of place and weird?
It’s a riopff is why. Taken directly from Lethal Weapon 3. See for yourselves.
Of course, two rather shall we say pertinent differences is that in the source material it was funny, and also that it was intended to show Mel Gibson’s character being a cheeky flirt. Transplanting it wholesale with two male cousins/brothers who are supposed to be straight is so tone-deaf I think it might be one of the most clueless and unintentionally hilarious things Paolini has ever done.
Eragon never pulls his pants up, by the way. He just stands there in his knickers as Roran takes off his shirt (oh how it gets worse!) and shows him the nasty scar/lump on his shoulder he got from the Razzle Dazzle bite. Given how catastrophic the injury is, that Roran can still use his arm at all is laughable.
Eragon, the asshole, actually asks Saphira if he should fix it and whines about it for quite a while, along with pointing out that waaaah he doesn’t want to kill plants and animals to get energy for it! Because he totally loves Roran like a brother, right?
I just “love” how Paotagonists always have to stop and talk themselves into it before doing something to help others. It’s like Paolini has no idea that actual heroes don’t generally do this. Maybe a moment of hesitation, but a good hero won’t even stop to think because they care more about the other person than their own comfort or safety.
Something else I belatedly noticed here is that while Eragon and Saphira are bickering, Saphira points out that the life of an ant is not as important as Roran’s life and Eragon shoots back with “not to an ant”. Others have pointed out how whiny and ridiculous this is, but something else worth noting is Saphira’s response:
And are you an ant? Don’t be glib, Eragon; it ill becomes you.
glib
[glib]
adjective
glibber, glibbest
1. readily fluent, often thoughtlessly, superficially, or insincerely so.
a glib talker; glib answers.
Synonyms: smooth, facile, loquacious, talkative
2. easy or unconstrained, as actions or manners.
[dictionary.com]
So in other words Eragon isn’t even being sincere here. He said it by way of a flip remark and Saphira knows it. Implying that he actually isn’t upset and doesn’t object all that hard at all; he’s just being an annoying asshole about it because he can.
Wow.
After wasting an entire page he heals the damn thing and oh no a couple of birds and a snake die while Roran throws his head back and howls like he’s having an orgasm. No I will not apologise for pointing that out.
Eragon, whose pants are still down, looks enviously at Roran’s muscles which he got from years of doing farm work. Uh, if you were also doing farm work, why don’t you have muscles too? And didn’t you supposedly get ripped on your journey with Brom anyway?
Instead, this just seems to be here for even more homoerotic subtext.
Then that gets dropped and we move onto another item on the checklist: whining about veganism! Eragon gets some bread to re-energise himself and settle his stomach (it’s “sourdough” because 99% of all the bread in this thing is sourdough for some reason). Oh and he has a “kerchief” now for wiping his nose on. He also goes for the booze to try and drink away the unspeakable pain of having killed some small animals. Because of course that’s what drives him to drink.
Saphira stops him, and Roran offers him some meat. Eragon really wants Roran’s meat and it takes all his willpower™ to say no and just eat the bread. Roran just won’t stop buggering I mean bugging him about it, which is really rude. Like dude why are you teasing him like this? He even subsequently admits he pissed Eragon off on purpose!
Even then he refuses to drop it and tells Eragon a man “has to eat meat”. Oh dude, if this got any more homoerotic I might end up turning into a gay man just from reading it.
Seriously, though, Roran is being a massive jerk right now, and a bully. Eragon already told you he doesn’t eat meat any more. Drop it.
Eragon self-righteously tells Roran he can’t “in good conscience” eat an animal… “whose thoughts and feelings I shared”. Implying that if he doesn’t mindrape the animal first it magically becomes okay. Which is fucking ridiculous, but it does fit with Eragon’s usual pattern of not caring about someone or something else’s suffering unless he’s forced to.
God this chapter just goes on forever. NONE OF THIS IS NECESSARY.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 10
OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 5
To cut a boring story short, Saphira eats the meat instead and goes on about how tasty it was. STOP THAT. This bit is obviously supposed to be funny because Paolini spells it out as hard as possible and then Eragon and Saphira laugh themselves stupid after which we get an utterly random, disconnected and out of nowhere line describing Saphira’s teeth.
Then we cut to them in bed NO WAIT I DON’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT I’M SORRY
Eragon asks Saphira what he should do if you know who is in Helgrind. She basically says her solution would be to kill and eat him but oh that’s the dragon way of doing things and Eragon wouldn’t do that! Well other than the cannibalism, yes he would.
Eragon asks will she support him whatever he decides and she says yeah sure. Which isn’t true because when he chooses to stay behind to deal with the poor bastard Saphira is not on board.
At long last this awful chapter closes with a very purple description of Eragon going into a “trance” with “waking dreams”, which is just as irrelevant now as it was before.
**~~essential story elements~~** : 11
Wow, that count is already getting dangerously high.