Throne of Glass Spork: Part Six

[epistler]

I've decided to quit this sporking. I've read ahead and have discovered that basically the entire rest of the book is just more of the same, which means I'd basically just be repeating the same criticisms over and over again.

So I'm going to post the remainder of what I've written so far, and finish up with a quick synopsis of what happens after that in case anyone cares. And then I'll go and find some better material.

Before Cal can do something stupid as she was preparing to in the last chapter (ie stab the captain to death in front of everyone, most likely), they’re interrupted by some guy calling himself “Theodus Brullo, Weapons Master and judge of this competition”.

These names.

He’s got a nice sword and says he’s had this job for thirty years and has trained a bunch of nobles during his career, so he’s not easily impressed. Cal thinks that maybe this means he trained the captain, and tells herself he must be pretty badass and “She knew better than anyone not to underestimate opponents based on their appearance”.

Which blatantly contradicts the last chapter, where she took one look at her opponents and instantly decided they were all stupid and would be super easy to defeat. Don’t lie to me, author.

The weapons master now starts asking people to introduce themselves like it’s their first day at school, adding that “I know none of you are bakers and candlestick makers”. First, that should be “bakers or candlestick makers”, and why the hell is there a nursery rhyme reference in this chapter?

Anyway, the eeevil Cain goes first, saying he’s a soldier in the king’s army and originally came from “the White Fang Mountains”, which prompts Cal to think about how everyone from there is a savage brute. Oh goodie, we’re stereotyping entire races of people just like noted child abuser David Eddings. Can the fantasy genre please get over this trope?

The next guy introduces himself as “Xavier Forul, Master Thief of Melisande”. What, the red woman has her own thief working for her now?

I wouldn’t put it past her, actually.

The author skips over most of the rest of the introductions, fortunately. We learn that there are six other soldiers who were kicked out of the army for whatever reason, three more thieves including one called “Nox Owen” (these names), three mercenaries and two murderers.

One of said murderers is… well, he’s a serial killer, and a very unsubtle one at that. His name is literally “Bill Chastain the Eye Eater” because he eats his victims’ eyeballs. I think I prefer Norris the Eyeball-Eating Maniac of Quirm if it’s all the same to you. There’s also a guy named “Ned Clement”, aka “Scythe” (god but this is juvenile). And after that comes a couple of warlord cronies, and five other assassins.

Oh, but they’re not super cool assassins like Cal is. You can tell because they all look like pathetic losers (we have a “haughty boy”, a “hulking brute” a “disdainful runt” and a “sniveling hawk-nosed prat”, in that order). Cal assures us that they’d never get into the Assassin’s Guild because they’re not refined (unlike her, of course). So she can totally take them.

And finally we have the last assassin, with the very unsubtle name of “Grave”, who’s totally a rapist. Lovely. Don’t you just love how these guys are all being portrayed as the absolute scum of the earth, just to make Cal look good by comparison? Because apparently she’s quite incapable of doing that on her own.

Note From the Future: Only two of these characters will ever be the slightest bit important, and most will get zero screentime and no lines. Thanks for wasting even more of my time, Ms Maas.
 

Then it’s Cal’s turn, and cue even more posturing! She introduces herself using the fake backstory and name, which causes some of the not handsome (and therefore bad and pathetic) men in the room to snigger at her. Predictably, Cal gets all pissy and thinks that she “could skin them alive without a knife”. First of all, how in the hell is that supposed to work, and second, I don’t believe you. This kid couldn’t even handle one guy in a basic swordfight, and has so far been worse than useless without a weapon. She’s had access to chains, burning branches, lengths of cloth, a fork, and various heavy objects, all of which a true badass assassin would have been able to use to dispatch their captors yonks ago – and remember, she supposedly killed something like two dozen guards back in the mines armed with nothing but a pickaxe.

So no, this is just bullshit, and incredibly stupid bullshit at that.

The weapons master dismisses everyone, saying that in a few minutes they have to run a race and anyone who’s not up to it is out. While the meeting breaks up Cal continues to sulk because boohoo, people still aren’t intimidated by her skinny, whiny ass. And boohoo, she “hadn’t spent eight years building a reputation [snip] to be disregarded like this.”  

So lemme get this straight – she was recruited aged eight, and it only took one year of training before she was out stabbing people? Which must have started when she was nine?

She managed to get (allegedly) good with every weapon ever in ONE YEAR?

I swear to Thoth, I haven’t read something this utterly divorced from reality since the time I stumbled across some guy claiming that climate change science is a left wing conspiracy to turn us all into socialists. (Yes, that was a thing that happened. Sadly).

Either way Cal bitches to the captain about how “insulting” all this is, which prompts him to give her a talking to. He’s quite rightly incredulous over how ridiculously arrogant she is, though I’m positive the arrogance is supposed to be entirely justified, and then points out the blindingly obvious – namely that if everyone thinks she’s just some nobody they’ll underestimate her. As such she should make a point of playing it safe and not being too Awesome in case people catch on. He then panders to her ludicrous ego by saying won’t it be great to see how surprised they are when she wins anyway and that’ll make up for – the horror! – not getting attention.

Dammit, man, you were doing so well up until now. Quit enabling the little shit’s overinflated opinion of herself! (He also tells her what a great swordsperson she is, because of course he does).

Mollified by this little pat on the head, Cal stops sulking and makes a lame (really lame) joke before they head outside for the race.

The running starts, but it’s pretty much just summarised. All you really need to know is that the eeevil Cain is the fastest, which surprises Cal. She wanks on about how she doesn’t need the king’s “validation” because she’s just above all that. Uh-huh, sure. Because you so totally haven’t been desperately seeking validation since page one. She also refers to “years of training”. I think you mean a year of training, Cal.

Cain wins, and Cal makes an excuse to go behind the bushes where she throws up all over the place and almost passes out.

And this is why you don’t eat an “enormous breakfast” (yes, that’s a direct quote) immediately before doing hard physical activity. Most athletes (I looked it up) stick to something simple and light, like a small bowl of cereal or some fruit.

Serves you right.

The captain sees her stumbling around like she’s just come in from an all night hen’s party, and looks displeased, end chapter. Hey, you were the one who overfed her in the first place – what else did you expect?

The next chapter cuts to Our Hero at lunchtime, “shoveling meat and bread down her throat”. Charming. The captain comes in and starts helping himself to some “salmon”, which causes Cal to make a face at him and bitch about how much she hates fish. This leads to a painfully puerile and childish exchange in which the captain tells her she smells like one herself (seriously) and she opens her mouth and shows off the gross half-chewed food inside (again, seriously). I feel like I’m reading about a pair of particularly immature six year olds. The captain accuses her of having no manners, and Cal counters that she can totally “act and talk like a lady, if it pleases me.”

Yeah, I don’t believe you.

They move on to talking about books, and omg the captain is a book slut too! So of course they start bonding over their favourite titles, though you don’t actually get to see this happen; instead it just cuts ahead to an hour later. I’m sure we missed out on some truly profound literary insights.

The captain tells her she’s got the afternoon off and rudely tells her to have a bath. She does and then goes off to read on the balcony. Riveting.

Cut to dawn the next day and the captain finds her doing chin-ups. Apparently she’s been doing it for an hour, and she mentally postures about how she’s totally better than the competition (again). She and the captain exchange smiles for some reason, and then cut to that afternoon. They’re walking around the glastle together (doesn’t this captain guy have any day to day duties he should be taking care of? Such as keeping the men presumably under his command organised? At the very least throw in something about how he’s got someone else covering for him). They bump into the eeevil Lady Kalthrop, but this time she has a friend with her. Said friend is “an Eyllwe woman”. How can Cal tell? Does she have a visibly different ethnicity? Is she wearing some kind of emblem?

Either way she’s super attractive, with “creamy brown skin” (so she’s made out of fudge?), and wearing lots of jewellery plus a crown. OMG she’s a princess! And because she’s black or middle eastern or whatever, she of course has a couple of guards bearing “curved” swords (what else did you expect?).

It turns out this lady’s name is “Princess Nehemia Ytger”, and she’s famous for her “beauty and bravery” (remember: a woman cannot be badass in any way shape or form unless she looks like a supermodel). I think I’ll just call her Nim.

Cal suddenly remembers what manners are, and for some reason starts grovelling to the princess (but she didn’t bother to do this with the prince because…?). Oh, and she speaks the woman’s language because we might as well keep adding more random special abilities as and when we feel like it.

The two of them make fun of the random wimpy councilman who’s with them, and Nim establishes herself as “good” by agreeing with Cal that the glastle is a really stupid idea. Kalthrop complains that she can’t understand what they’re saying, and then rudely corrects Nim on her use of “the common language”.  Because of course the main language spoken in this setting is called “common”. Cal meanwhile disdainfully thinks about how “she’d forgotten the woman was there”, charming person that she is.

Kalthrop keeps acting bitchy in a pathetically transparent attempt at making Cal look less horrible and bitchy by comparison. Nim of course takes Cal’s side since we’re supposed to like her, and the two of them gang up on her and tell her to fuck off because Nim would rather hang out with Cal.

Basically, it’s every pathetic schoolyard fight ever, of the passive-aggressive sort teenage girls like to indulge in in lieu of trying to wrestle each other in the locker room. It’s just another way of establishing who’s boss when all is said and done, and just as juvenile.

Needless to say the captain finds all this very amusing and sides with Cal as well, which makes Cal go all gooey toward him. Having put the unpopular girl in her place, the two schoolyard bitches make sneery comments about how pathetic she is, probably without waiting until they’re out of earshot.

I really wasn't keen on being reminded of this part of the highschool experience, author.

Nim asks how she learned her language, and Cal makes up a lie, adding that she doesn’t agree with the idea of slavery since she knows Nim is against slavery as well. This wins her some brownie points plus some praise for being Not Like The Rest Of Them, because of course it does, and she asks Nim what she’s doing here. Nim answers that she was sent to learn about the local language and customs, which Cal thinks is only part of the truth. We also learn that Nim is annoyed because her father is probably going to arrange a husband for her. Because bad, lazy fantasy authors think women in settings like these where arranged marriages are common practice should under no circumstances have accepted the idea of it happening to them as a normal part of life.

The two of them compare notes, and we get a bunch of clichéd crap about how Nim’s home palace has “lotus blossoms” and doesn’t smell nasty because the heat just burns everything up. This has to be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a while. Has this author not seen just how horrible it gets when dead stuff rots in high heat? If this is unclear, please enjoy this video of a bloated dead hippo exploding somewhere in Africa. 

We also learn that her homeland has “museums and universities”, which were burned by evil invaders because of course they were. Then, apropos of absolutely nothing, Nim throws a tantrum about how much she hates her fancy clothes. She even stomps her foot like a petulant toddler. Oh, so you get to wear the most expensive and beautiful clothing in all the land which make you look pretty and regal, unlike the peasants who probably have to wear itchy sackcloth pants infested with fleas and caked in cow shit. How terrible for you. If the idea was to make Nim look like a nasty spoiled brat, mission accomplished.

This painful conversation ends with the two of them deciding they’re pals now, and Cal mentally whining (you may have noticed she does this a LOT) about how she’s never had a lot of friends and how she doesn’t trust “girls”, and “especially girls with agendas and power of their own. Girls who would do anything to get what they wanted”. So… totally unlike yourself, the girl who thinks murder is an acceptable response to being mildly annoyed by someone? God she’s a hypocrite.

Cut to her eating lunch, and stuffing her face yet again, and we learn that she eats ridiculous amounts at every meal. Yet another bit of cheap wish fulfillment, because who doesn’t wish they could eat as much as they liked and somehow remain thin and pretty?

(By the way, I looked up a picture of the author and was not at all surprised to find that she looks exactly like Cal, right down to the long blonde hair. Some self inserts are subtle, but this ain’t one of them).

The captain is with her, because apparently he really doesn’t have a life outside of tagging along after our obnoxious protagonist, and the two of them bicker some more. In between this we’re rather casually informed that the king’s departure was pretty suspicious since he didn’t take a single guard or say where he was going, and several “royal hounds” have been found dead and half eaten.

Yup, the king is totally a “fae” and has gone back to the forest. Or something similar (Note from the future: I was wrong. I made the mistake of assuming this book would be way, way more eventful and complex than it actually is). Of course, none of this could actually have been shown because that would have been too suspenseful and dramatic and it’s much more important that we watch these two idiots carry on like a pair of cut-rate sitcom characters. For some damn reason the captain (why the hell isn’t he investigating the incident??) says he “prefer[s] a certain type of woman”, specifying the type that isn’t “an arrogant assassin”.

The author periodically acknowledges that Cal is arrogant (while remaining apparently unaware of the hypocrisy, selfishness and stupidity), but it’s not doing anything at all to make her more likeable. If I went around kicking cats and someone said “hey, you kick cats” and that was it, it wouldn’t change the fact that I was kicking cats, and it wouldn’t make me any less of a horrible person.

The scene continues, and now descends into Sara Douglass style head-hopping for no very good reason, as we switch over to the captain’s POV right out of nowhere. And oh yeah, he’s got it bad.

There was something girlish about her, too. Oh, he couldn’t stand her contradictions!

“You’re staring, Captain.”

He almost apologized, but stopped. She was a haughty, vulgar, utterly impertinent assassin. He wished for the months to fly by, for her to be appointed Champion, and then, once her years of servitude were over, to be gone. He hadn’t slept well since they’d taken her out of Endovier.

“You have food in your teeth,” he said. She picked it out with a sharp nail and turned her head to the window. The rain slid down the glass. Was she looking at the rain, or something beyond?

He sipped from his goblet. Despite her arrogance, she was clever, and relatively kind, and somewhat charming…

“Kind”? “Charming”? When did that happen? All the author has bothered to show us so far has been brattiness, murderous psychopathy and the odd bit of smug self-righteousness. Captain dude needs to stop thinking with his dick. (Note too how the author keeps endlessly referring to Cal as "the assassin" , lest we forget given the utter lack of any assassin-like qualities.)

Oh, and: “There was something great and deadly concealed within her, and he didn’t like it.”

Uh-huh. I’m sorry, Ms Maas, but you can tell me your self-insert is kind and charismatic and charming and simply amazing until you’re blue in the face, but until you actually show her demonstrating these qualities I won’t believe you. The publisher who thought it was a good idea to purchase this thing should be ashamed of themselves.

And the chapter ends there. Next up is chapter 14 of 55, which means we’re about a third of the way in, and barely anything has happened. There’s no big central mystery, no (convincingly) menacing villain, and the stakes are so low they barely exist. Why should we even care if Cal wins this stupid contest? We don’t like or care about her, and we don’t care about the outcome of the contest either. Just have her become the “champion” straight away and get on with something that, oh I don’t know – isn’t a big fat foregone conclusion? Just a suggestion.