The Chemist Spork: Chapter 8

[rhyson]

Chapter 8

Warning: helmet usage recommend. Prepare to be slapped over the head with clues as subtle as a Mack Truck full of rotten fish.
 

Only then does assassin dude bother checking Daniel's pulse. “She examined her attacker's hand --- pale skin, fingers so long the almost looked like they had an extra joint. They looked... familiar.”

Yeah, remember when I told you to remember that Daniel had long fingers? Hey, look at that, this guy does, too.

“He grabbed her arms and yanked them over her head against as he shoved his masked face into hers.” We are reminded multiple times that she is very short. She just told us that he is 6 foot 4 or so. To yell in her face while raising her arms over her head requires a ridiculous dance on his part to accomplish both at the same time.

Review: “There are some fabulous pitched battles leading up to a conclusion that it's easy to imagine in the cinema.” - Alison Flood, UK newspaper.

Alison ain't did much gooder at English either. And clearly, she skipped this scene. And imagining this as a movie.... Is actually a good idea, even if I want to punch somebody in the face just thinking about it. Movies have a special way of outlining flaws to a larger audience of people. It can be given a budget of $100,000. Just enough to pay four people to wander around D.C. with a camera following them. Three people to be the main characters, and one to be all the NPCs. There's rarely more than one appearing in any given scene anyways.

“She went along docilely.” ... “She didn't resist” ... [She volunteers information.] ... “'Props,' she explained.” ... “She willed herself to look calm and compliant.” ... [She immediately answered a question.]

“He kicked her chair over.”

........

I'm not even mad. I don't know what triggered his abrupt decision, but I'm not even mad. This should have sunk him into villain territory, but I've been wanting to do the same thing. Normally, the strong picking on the weak is my instant berserk button. Here, it does nothing.
 

“She wasn't sure if she was already concussed, and she really needed her brain working right.” Well, shit. She's screwed.

“But don't use the water bottles on the left side of the minifridge outside the tent. Those are poisoned.” said Fifty Shades of Sherlock. Since when? And why tell him? With what poison? Who did she think was going to drink that? Where did she get the poison? Has she been carting that around with her the entire time? What was she going to do with the water? Did she really think the Swat team was going to sit down and take a break and drink random water bottles they found in the fridge?

She looks at his face, now that he took off the gas mask. “The pictures that were Daniel but at the same time weren't.” Nope, the use of italics still suck. I use them for the occasional dialogue inflection. Meyer uses them to make sure we can all see when she's being clever and to let the reader knows she thinks the reader is stupid. It took a lot of effort to put in all those italics. Also, just use the t word already. TWINS. They're twins! Say it, Meyer, say it!

By the way, italics been appearing on average, for the entire book, at least once per page, usually in the narrative. Sometimes, even twice or three times. They're annoying me almost as much as the long dashes and the word, obvious. Either she had bad English literature teachers, or she failed to learn anything from them.

Then Fifty Shades of Sherlock puts two and two together and realizes she's an easy victim. Duh, the files were faked. Your murderous boss really did try to kill you by sending you to piss someone off. I didn't pick up on it because I had no faith in Meyer's ability to write decent bad guy files. Turns out, she did it on purpose. But it also turns out that Mrs. I'm-Smarter-Than-Analysists should have realized duh, there's actually two people and she has no business guessing at multiple personalities. Duh, the bank accounts were faked. Duh, the dead brother wasn't dead. 
 

Wait.... the pictures of 'Daniel' when he looked angry were also when he knew not to look at the camera and when he wore a hat. There should not enough resemblance to think both kinds of pictures are Daniel.

“It was all too much like one of her mom's ridiculous soap operas.” Hey, she said it, not me. Nail. Head. Hit. By that Mack Truck. But yep. Assassin dude is Daniel's identical twin.

Sort of.

“Daniel's features were refined, his aspect gentle. Batman was all hard angles and tightly gripped expressions. His hazel eyes seems darker, maybe just because his brows were pulled down, putting them in shadow.”

Ohhh..... I see. Dopey Edward has a gentle aspect which magically makes his features more refined than his identical twin. Cranky Edward has hard angles that are tightly gripped. And a body that is harder, more defined. I bet he has a hard angle he wants tightly gripped.

By the way, narrative finally mentions that Dopey Edward's brother is not dead after all.

She looks at the computer again. We're still not told why.

“He crumpled them in his fist. 'Where did you get these?'” No, putting dialogue in italics doesn't flip a magic switch that makes it exciting. Nor does it create tone. Simply crumpling the pictures of himself doesn't do enough to convey his mood. Telling us “His face contorted in outrage.” doesn't cut it either. And telling us, “Back in her face, he grabbed the front of her T-shirt and lifted her and the chair a few inches off the ground.” doesn't make me think he's angry because I'm too busy wondering if the shirt is made of titanium.

Fifty Shades of Sherlock goes on a monologue, telling him anything vital she can think of. “His eyes narrowed, evaluating.” I'm pretty sure evaluate is something that mostly happens inside people's head, but what do I know?

“He pursed his lips, making a decision. 'Well, since you already know the details, I guess it's not a huge breah of policy for me to tell you that I shut down the de la Fuentes situation six months ago. De la Fuentes's death is not common knowledge....”

What....

The....

.....

A page ago, he was picking her up by her shirt. Three pages ago, he kicked her chair over. Now, 'meh, you know some stuff. I'll tell you a secret.'

The man of many talents is also stupid.

“He back-handed her [because she said yes when he asked her if she tortured Dopey Edward].” And we're back.

“she was pretty certain that the HDS was the gun most commonly carried by CIA agents. [Then she mentions CIA.]”

“'how do you know where I work?' he demanded.” He's not too bright of a lightbulb either.

And finally, we find out the computer screen is not just another pointless detail. My reaction while reading it: “Oh. That explains it. Did I miss something earlier?”

Not exactly a jaw-dropping reveal that Meyer was hoping for.

The computer screen saver turns off, sets off a gas trap, and knocks out the Edwards and Dogus ex Machina. Fifty Shades of Sherlock held her breath.

She hops her chair over to steal the gas mask that Cranky Edward left on the floor for whatever reason. For the plot's sake, I guess.

She takes off the two of the restraints that Dopey Edward is wearing. “And underneath it all, she wasn't afraid of him. Another potential mistake.” Ya think? Luckily, it's been established that Dopey Edward has the killer instincts of a neutered manatee and the personality of a particularly agreeable potato. She puts the two restraints on Cranky Edward.

Then she locks the dog in a bedroom that's in the barn. She remembers that the dog's name is Einstein and decides to somehow drive a car into the milking barn and park it in front of the door.

Then she takes advantage of Cranky Edward being out cold and tries to take off his body armour, snapping several scapels in the process. She takes more advantage of Dopey Edward and takes out the tracking chip that monitors heart rate. The scar was hidden under the tape she used to secure the catheter tube to his leg. Thank you for that image, Meyer. Also, she put tape on it, but still missed it, even though she was looking for suspicious scars on his naked body earlier.

She looks at her face, two black eyes, a scrape, and a broken nose. And only then Meyer sees fit to tell us she injected herself with adrenaline and opiates. Homemade concoction she named “Survive.” She has the imagination of a particularly literal four-year old naming pets.

We are treated to two more extra long hyphens as a special treat to end the chapter with. Plot twist: she's not going to sleep, she's just lying down for ten minutes.

 

 

Comments

[stalkinglanius8]

By the way, italics been appearing on average, for the entire book, at least once per page, usually in the narrative. Sometimes, even twice or three times. They're annoying me almost as much as the long dashes and the word, obvious. Either she had bad English literature teachers, or she failed to learn anything from them.

The story I'm following abuses the poor ellipses to heck and back. Italics and ellipses is a pretty poor way to put drama into the story. Most of the time, authors can't figure out to manufacture tension through clever description and tense situations, so they use them as crutches. They do work when you use them sparingly, but when it's every pages? It seems to like the author doesn't know how to carry their story.

[rhyson]

Ouch. I use them in dialogue and internal thoughts, but if I ever decide that ellipses and italics are a good idea in a narrative, please put me out of my misery.

[littlecaity]

But it also turns out that Mrs. I'm-Smarter-Than-Analysists should have realized duh, there's actually two people and she has no business guessing at multiple personalities. Duh, the bank accounts were faked. Duh, the dead brother wasn't dead.

Goddamn Meyer your plot twists are SHIT. Please go away and never write again.

And only then Meyer sees fit to tell us she injected herself with adrenaline and opiates. Homemade concoction she named “Survive.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA wow that is not gonna make her survive. I've had opiates in the past - yay seriously strong painkillers - and adrenaline as a kid as an emergency measure when my asthma almost killed me and I can tell you... She's gonna be high and jittery or nauseous and jittery or high and jittery and nauseous. That is not how you survive. That is how you stab yourself with a pen before vomiting profusely.

*to the tune of the old Canton ads from the 90s* Meyer, your writing's just shit, such incredible shit, and your heroine is de-ead!

[minionnumber2]

Holy crap, none of these characters should be trusted with the secret to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, let alone their super secret government jobs.