ETD Chapter 1

[stalkinglanius8]

No clever saying or words of wisdom. Let's get right to it.

And now a new story from yours truly. Been slowly working on this idea for a while now. And thought it was time to bring it to fruition.

Well a few things before the story:

There will be a lot of swearing in this story, including some berating in future chapters, and it will follow "The Flash" storyline, with some changes of my own design.

BTW, there will be three OCs in this story.

And remember, dear friends:

In Fanfiction, anything is possible.

Now enjoy.

Admittedly, I’m not looking forward to this. I read ahead for this story, and I can tell you that his three OCs leave a lot to be desired, so I don’t think that I will be able to enjoy this. However, I do find the last few lines to be a little sweet. I only wish that the author took his own advice.

Onward with the story. So it begins with a quick description of the bird flying through the air until it hits the Helicarrier, including this line:

“In normal cases it would be weird for a bird to suddenly hit something in clear blue sky. But the sky was anything but clear. Thanks to advanced retro-reflective panels developed by S.H.I.E.L.D., nothing and no one was able to see the advanced highly advanced aircraft vehicle.”

I found this description to be fairly annoying. The tone was too irritatingly patronizing for me. No duh that a bird suddenly hit something in thin air. Unfortunately, this type of writing persists throughout the story, as the author has a bad habit of stating the obvious and holding the audience’s hands instead of just allowing them to connect the dots themselves. I’m not going to bring it up that much here, but just know that the author is operating in Captain Obvious mode at all times.

A few paragraphs later, we’re treated to the descriptions of the Helicarrier’s interior. We are also introduced to the Deputy Director of the ship, Maria Hill, who is monitoring the ship’s status.

“She watched over the other agents, keeping her eyes on specific guy for special reasons. Her eyes shifted when she heard something.

CRASH

The entire station heard a crashing followed by a vicious shaking, almost as if it was a quake happening in the sky.”

Here’s another thing that’s off-putting about the author’s prose that occurs throughout the entire story: the interjection of sound effects into the text. The author cannot figure out how to weave sounds into the text, so he resorts to just dumping it smack-dab in the middle. I feel that it kills whatever momentum that the writing was trying to build up. It’s ok if it was used to emphasize how sudden a noise was so long as it’s done sparingly, but the author uses it way too many times to the point that it’s just an annoying road-bump to cross over. Add to the fact that most of the sounds he puts in are ones you expect to find in a comic book (SCREAM and GUNSHOT comes up later in the story, and it’s about as silly as you think.), and you got a recipe for some pretty narmy descriptions.

So Agent Hills groans at the shaking, saying, “Damn it, not again,” and we’re also told that the agents were running worried about trying to keep the aircraft airborne. Nick Fury shows up, asking the Agent what’s causing all the ruckus.

“"It's…. him." She added with a hateful tone.”

Of course, Fury doesn’t take kindly to that tone and gets all huffy that Hill is speaking about “him” negatively. I bet you already figured out now that it’s one of the OCs, who is a giant Mary Sue. How dare that harpy not love the OC and act all upset that he’s possibly damaging the ship!

Before Hill could say anything, another character butts into the conversation:

“"I think she wants to say the raging, psychotic, gigantic, demon-faced, snake-tongued, elemental mutant with an alien parasite inside them."

The agent and director turned and saw the pale-as-ghost skinned blue-eyed young woman of 24, her body covered in her signature black catsuit that highlighted her well-endowed curves, walking in her full height of 5'2, with her long magenta-colored hair flowing down to her lower back area.

She smiled smugly at Agent Hill. "But you know Hilly," the agent narrowing her eyes hatefully at the younger woman, who noticed the eyes at her but ignored them. "you could just call him my brother you know, since he actually is."”

This “lovely”' little lady here is Olivia. And a bit of note from the future: Out of all characters, I despise Olivia the most. Sweet, merciful lord, is she awful! I was tempted to call her a more naughty name here, but she hasn’t done anything terrible to warrant that name. Yet. But other than that, am I the only one who finds her appearance laughable? She’s a super special awesome spy, yet she walks around with a hairstyle straight out of an anime? Methinks that she secretly spends way too much time watching anime.

Instead of reprimanding Olivia for talking back to Hill, Fury instead chuckles at her attitude, finding it delightful at how she was able to push Hill’s buttons. And the Sueness starts piling on…

It’s revealed here that Olivia, along with her brother, are Fury’s adopted children. Fury asks Olivia if she could talk to her brother over not causing an earthquake on the ship, only for her to shoot it down, saying that he needs to be left alone, as he’s still grieving.

Already this story is going down a predictable road. I’m sure you all already know who the guy’s grieving over.

Fury reflects on this a bit, thinking about how his son went through so much pain and suffering in his past, capping it off with a melodramatic statement that his life has been hell. I’m just going to say this here. Piling on the misery isn’t the best way to garner sympathy from the audience. It’s cheap and lazy to think that more is always better. And spoiler alert, this guy will not be the least sympathetic at all.

They discuss who should talk to him, when the second OC inserts himself here.

“"I'll talk to him." They turned their eyes back to see Matthew Connors Almond walking in from the hallway. His dark-red hair and his green eyes peered to the three agents. He was wearing a standard SHIELD tactical suit for missions. "I'll go and talk to him, anyone else and he might end up ripping them apart…after he have burned them… among other things." He added grimly, remembering the sight of the state of his previous victims.

"Thanks babe." Olivia said as she walked over to him and kissed her boyfriend on the cheek. "You're the best Matt. And you're right, my Big Bro tends to overreact, when people interrupt his sessions.”

We haven’t even met the guy and already he’s coming off like a prat to me. Seriously? This guy rips people apart if they did so much as interrupt his training? Oh, and keep in mind we’re not supposed to see anything wrong with this behavior. The guy’s in mourning, so of course he’s given a free pass to act like a jerkass to everybody he meets. It’s time like this I want to remind people that there’s a difference between having a sympathetic backstory and actually being sympathetic.

Matt departs to talk to Olivia’s brother and the scene concludes, though not without a weak attempt at humor where Olivia points out that one of the agents is playing Galaga instead of working.

*rubs forehead* Anyway, next scene, Matt enters the training area, only to be nearly nailed with a LMD (Life Model Decoy) as it was flung at him. He dodges it just in time and continues on his way, stepping over the remains of the LMD, noting that some of them have been burned alive or were “ridden” with wet holes. This continues until Matt is finally face-to-face with the guy behind all of this mess.

“Mat heard a crunching sound causing him to back away. His eyes shifted back to the black giant who turned around to let the agent's green eyes meet his white flame-shaped eyes.

Matt's eyes widened when he saw an LMD head inside of the giant's mouth, its teeth piercing straight through the head. Its mouth opened up, stretching out far beyond any normal measures. The head fell out of his mouth, revealing the dozen dagger-like teeth that were wetted with an oil-like substance from LMD. His giant serpent-tongue licked the oil off while fire sparks went off in his mouth.

The giant squatted down to a seating, placing him down on top of the pile while he kept his eyes on the agent. "What. Do. You. Want?" he asked.”

Matt tells him that he’s being too disruptive in his training, and that he wants to talk to his real face, not his “ugly-ass demon face.” Ah, demon. There’s the author's favorite word! I should tell you that he gets compared a lot to a demon in this story, and it never gets any less obnoxious. It makes me think the author’s trying too hard to make him come off as cool. It doesn’t work.

“The giant cocked his head to the side at the information he was told. The suit around his body began moving, contracting itself. The suit had slithered itself back into its host, revealing the host to be Olivia's elder brother of 26, Seth Daniel Rogers.

He remained sitting on the pile of destroyed LMDs in a SHIELD tactical suit with a long black leather trench coat over it. His brown spiked hair stood proud and his blue eyes looked as cold as ever… almost lifeless.”

Black clothing? Check. Trench coat? Check. Cold, lifeless eyes? Check. This guy got it all here in the cliched antihero department. So the guy thrashing the ship is Seth, and he’s upset that he got interrupted. Seth explained that he thought the training room would be able to handle him, to which I call bullshit. According to Hill’s reactions, this wasn’t the first time Seth’s training shook the whole ship, so he knows better than that. He just wasn’t bothering with trying to be careful.

Their little talk was cut short as several LMD sneak up behind Seth, ready to attack. In response, Matt “widened his eyes and then small orbs of metal came out of his hands and formed two guns.” So Matt’s powers are nano-machines, which allows him to generate whatever weapons and equipment he wants. I’m not really won over by this, as it strikes me a little game-breaking. So Matt can make up whatever he needs for any situation at no cost. And this power comes with no drawback. Unfortunately, this is a mark of things to come in this story. This author has a nasty penchant of making overpowered OCs.

Before Matt was able to do anything, Seth nonchalantly impales all of them by shooting black tendrils from his back, which sets all of them on fire.

So yeah. In case you can’t tell, not only is Seth host to Venom, which bestows him with all the powers that entail, but he also has control over all the elements with ZERO limit. I swear to god I’m not exaggerating. Why did the author think this is a good idea? It doesn’t make me think that Seth is a badass, it makes me think that the author was much too enamored with him to the point that he showers him with favoritism. I don’t know about you, but I prefer a protagonist whose powers are more limited. I find that a character who gets more creative with their power to be infinitely more entertaining than a protagonist who just curb-stomps everything in their path.

After Seth finished flexing his muscles, Fury walks into the area to give Seth a talk. So what was the point of sending Matt off by his lonesome if Fury was going to talk to Seth anyway?

One scene change later, Fury brought Seth to an interrogation room to give him a bit of a pep talk. To do this, he asks Seth to tell a story about his past.

"Shit not again." Seth exhaled a long breath before he began. "Cold."

That’s a… peculiar way of trying to help him sort through his baggage. I don’t think asking a guy to recount his traumatic experiences will help them recover, especially if they’re that reluctant like Seth here.

We receive a flashback here, helpfully denoted by iltliacs, and the sequence already comes out swinging hard.

“Seth Daniel Rogers was sitting in the corner of a metal cell, the same one he had been since he was kidnapped by the human military he was 15. He was 16 now, or at least that's what he thinks he is now. Time's always been the last thing on his mind, ever since he was brought here… Since he, his baby sister and their friend Matt was kidnapped.

He was barely wearing anything clothes now, while he had a metal bracelet on his left wrist. The bracelet was to keep him from using his abilities. The one thing keeping him from getting out, from saving his sister and his friend… and from ripping every last human in this facility to shreds.

His thoughts went to his baby sister and Matt. His sister was 13 back then, Matt was 14. Both of them are a year older now”

It’s not a good sign that I’m feeling nothing from what should be a harrowing experience. Peppering your sentences with ellipses only annoys the heck out of the audience. Having sloppy grammar also ruins the scene’s pathos, but most damming of all is how cold the scene is. What exactly is he feeling? Is he cold? Frightened? What about an expression of fury or frustration? Is he holding his breath every time he hears someone come near his cell? There’s nothing; he’s just a doll for the author to play with.

The text explains why the trio were kidnapped. The military captured them for their powers, so they can experiment on them and create weapons of mass destruction. Lots of overblown description ensues.

“Back then Seth was only able to absorb an element and generate it too. His one and only element back then was fire. But the humans wanted more of him. They spent days cutting him open to inject drugs directly into his heart, strengthening his bones and his organs.

This was all to for the next phase of his operations. Where they injected elements directly into his heart, that way the elements spread to every single area of his body.

His baby sister Olivia was able to use telekinesis, something she loved to use, to have fun with. Her telepathy was slowly developing, she even showed small signs of teleportation. But when humans witnessed another powerful telekinetic by the name of Jean Grey, they did everything in their power to make their own Jean Grey…using Olivia Rogers and strengthen her mind with various drugs.

Each and every last injected drug, bringing more pain to the suffering 13-year-old.

Their friend Matt had an unusual ability. He was able to generate what looked to be nanites out of his body. He used to create small toys to help cheer Liv up whenever she got sad. But the humans didn't want toys, they wanted him to make weapons. And like Seth, they cut him open. Injecting anything but drugs in his body.

An entire year of never-ending experimentations. On all of them, not a second gone without experimentations, without being in constant pain. A year of torture at every second.”

Same as before, the narration is bizarrely clinical, but in addition to that, it’s just harping on the same point over and over again. “OH, I am in so much pain! They hurt me! TO THE PAIN! PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, EVERYDAY!” It would be ok maybe the first time, but for the filth time? I’m waiting for something new to happen.

While Seth was ponficating, the leader of this operation, General William Stryker walks in, greeting Seth pleasantly. The boy was a bit displeased with this.

“The young boy sneered out. ‘So, to what do I owe this visit? New torture procedure? Or are we finally gonna talk about the haircut that makes you look like grade A pedophile?’”

His reaction is fairly unbelievable to me. Earlier, the text beaten us over the head about Seth was tortured for a year, so why is he speaking like this? He shouldn’t have much strength left in him to snark at the General like this, let alone display a rebellious attitude. His dialogue does not sound like what a tortured prisoner would say. It shouldn’t have much bite in it.

The General cuts right to the chase and says that he found something that “likes humans,” prompting Seth to immediately volunteer for experimentation with the thing. The narrative explains that he did it because if he refused, then Olivia would be the guinea pig

Next scene, Seth is in a metal room, blindfolded.

“The young boy obliged and looked around to see that he was alone on side of the room there two things. One was a two-way mirror on upper-level of the wall, near the ceiling. He knew Stryker and some of those sadistic scientists were behind it. The other thing he noticed were a metal container.

The container contained a black goo-like substance inside of it, and it looked like it was moving?”

 

Why does all of this sound so familiar? It can’t that this is lifted from somewhere else, yes?

Seth approaches the container. The container opens up. The symbiote latches onto him. Again, the scene feels like it’s copied straight from the movie. Now I’m wondering how many times the author watched it to make sure he got the order right?

After the symbiote bonds to Seth, we get an odd scene where he’s suddenly standing in a black void. The symbiote talks directly to him, explaining its backstory, and how it feels Seth’s pain and his hatred for humans. However, the guy tries to backpedal on the last part, saying that not all people are bad and that some are good. A statement that probably would be more effective if we got more of a clue of what’s his past and how he came to that conclusion, but right now, he’s just feeding lines.

Seth then talks about how he hates all the scientists here and that he wants to kill all of them, to which the symbiote agrees to help him with.

We are now back with Stryker. It turns out that in the real world, Seth fell unconscious on the ground. To confirm his status, the General sent in his goonies to check on him. They receive their answer with this:

“He was cut off when a clawed black hand pierced through his skull. Seth leaned his head over the pierced soldier. "We hate that word."

His morphed voice sent shivers down the remaining soldiers as they and Stryker and the scientists took in the sight of the horrifying boy. His right arm was covered in black, with razor-sharp claws, blood dripping off them as they pierced the soldier's head. His left leg was pitch black, the ground breaking from the pressure he put into it.

But what frightened the everyone else was the sight of his face. His left eye was pitch black strand that ran over his face, white veins shone over his black covered parts. Seth shifted his eyes to the pierced soldier then to the others. "Here catch." he threw the soldier off his hand at the other soldiers.”

Seth then proceeds to go to town with the entire squad, brutally butchering and maiming the whole lot of them. The Golden Chainsaw award for this horrorfest was definitely when he ripped one of the soldier’s spine out ala Predator, then used that to break his bracelet and gain his powers back. You gotta love how he revels in all of the brutality he’s unleashing on the poor sods here. Even though this is most likely his first time killing someone, he feels no disgust or horror at this, only sweet vindication at all the deaths.

Mercifully, the section ends with the symbiote deciding to call itself “Venom”, stating that it’s the same name of the one before them, before they then run off to save Matt and Olivia.

Back to the present, Fury finishes off the story by saying that shortly after this, the trio was savedby a SHIELD rescue party led by himself. Apparently, he was contacted by Professor X, who told him about the kidnapping.

"Well me and Xavier have helped each other back then a lot, so it's no surprise that he went to me before. Plus, we both love playing chess." Fury then pointed Seth. "And best off all, I got two amazing kids out of that rescue, who later on wanted to become SHIELD agents, both of them now giving the Avengers a run for their money."

Since when did Fury ever express a desire to have a family? He was a career-oriented man, the one who valued getting the job done versus having a relationship with anybody else. He doesn’t sound to me like he definitely wants a son and daughter of his own.

And wonderful. Apparently, Seth and Olivia are so awesome at their jobs that they’re outpacing the Avengers, of all groups! Way to disrespect them, author.

Fury then tells Seth to make sure to talk to his sister sometimes, as he’s spending too much time in the training area. *dryly* Pretty sure you could have just told him that instead of bringing up his Dark and Troubled Past, but hey, I’m not the one who has experience with trauma, so what would I know?

He leaves, and the story ends on this note.

“Reaching into his back pocket, he produced a photo. On the photo was a little 3-year-old boy with short blonde hair and brown eyes. On each side of the boy was a two young people. On the right side was Seth, smiling warmly at the boy. On the left side was a young woman, not much older than Seth, with blonde hair and smiling her own warm smile to the young boy beside her. Her green eyes shone beautifully on photo.

Seth felt tears threatening to fall from his eyes, but he held them back. He turned the photo over to see the backside. He read the words warmly repeatedly in his mind as he felt his partner soothing him with calming waves.

The light from the lamps illuminated the words on the backside.

Stefanie Panes & Bucky and Seth Rogers, Trip to Hawaii.”

Here’s the Lost Lenore (and son) for this story! I guess the protagonist’s looks, appearance, and torture wasn’t enough to complete the cliche shopping list, so the story threw in dead wife and son just to be on the safe side!

And I absolutely hate that name, Stefanie. Why the heck does that lady have a German name? She’s not German, and there's nothing in the story that indicates that she's of German heritage, so I'm forced to conclude that the author only picked that spelling because it’s “unique”. I loathe to use that name. So henceforth, Stefanie will be called Stephanie.

So that’s the end of chapter 1. And we only got 43 chapters to go. This is not going to be easy, is it?

Comments

[ultimate_cheetah]

Hi, I'm UltimateCheetah, a new member. I really like your spork.

pale-as-ghost skinned blue-eyed young woman of 24, her body covered in her signature black catsuit that highlighted her well-endowed curves, walking in her full height of 5'2,

Great job enforcing Hollywood beauty standards, author! Pale skin? Check. Well-endowed curves? Check. Skintight catsuit that serves no purpose except for the male gaze? Check. Also, 5' 2" is rather short. Usually Mary Sues are taller.

[stalkinglanius8]

Aw, thanks! I'm still a novice at writing, so I'm glad someone is able to enjoy it.

Great job enforcing Hollywood beauty standards, author! Pale skin? Check. Well-endowed curves? Check. Skintight catsuit that serves no purpose except for the male gaze? Check. Also, 5' 2" is rather short. Usually Mary Sues are taller.

The thing that annoyed me most about her appearance wasn't how sexy she is, it's how incongruous it is. It doesn't fit her character at all. She's supposed to be some kind of super spy, yet she's wearing a fanservice outfit that will draw attention to her, and she has an extremely flashy hairstyle that'll make her stand out. It's isn't just stereotypical, it's completely at odds with her character!

[ultimate_cheetah]

Not only that, catsuits aren't good for fighting, either. Also, this whole thing does a disservice to Fury's character, too. He would never let anybody talk down to Hill.

[stalkinglanius8]

Also, this whole thing does a disservice to Fury's character, too. He would never let anybody talk down to Hill.

You're going to find yourself saying that a lot to every characters, really. I'm still frustrated at how the story turned Fury into a total sap, but that's pretty light compared to what happens to a few other characters. Let's just say that the author must really despise some of the characters, given how often he bashes him. What Fury went through was pretty light.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Oh geez. If he ruins Black Widow, him and I are going to have problems.

Me: Holds large hammer.

[minionnumber2]

As a proud consumer of edgy media, I can say we're already seeing some classic blunders.

They're trying to give the protagionist angst without any real agency or vulnerability. Just, bad things happen and it makes him angry. In order for this type of angst to be effective, you have to have some feeling of helplessness behind that rage, either through inability to change the situation or by making them responsible for their situation in some way. Would also argue that it's important to build some attachment to side characters before you start threatening them, otherwise you have a TSisSoS situation where you just don't care when bad things happen to them.

Our main guy's got the double standard where the author wants us to see him as dangerous and a loner, but doesn't actually have the world treat him like he's a threat. If a character is good, they treat him like a kewl friend, if bad they fear him. Kind of having his cake and eating it too.

[stalkinglanius8]

They're trying to give the protagonist angst without any real agency or vulnerability. Just, bad things happen and it makes him angry. In order for this type of angst to be effective, you have to have some feeling of helplessness behind that rage, either through inability to change the situation or by making them responsible for their situation in some way.

I have this sort of thing going on in my own story where the protagonist is dealing with something he can't control, and I'm fairly wary of him coming off as passive. I think the most important thing is that they must be doing something. Even if it's a problem they can't solve or deal with, they still have to do something. Watching a protagonist sit and feel sorry for himself and not do anything will make for a bad protagonist. The important thing isn't whatever they succeed in the story, it's that they are pushing the story in some way.

As you see here, Seth doesn't do that. He whines about his problems, but doesn't do anything to solve it. The only reason why he'll get over it in this story is because another love interest came along and healed all his wounds. In other words, cry enough and maybe the universe will throw you a bone!

Our main guy's got the double standard where the author wants us to see him as dangerous and a loner, but doesn't actually have the world treat him like he's a threat. If a character is good, they treat him like a kewl friend, if bad they fear him. Kind of having his cake and eating it too.

This is quite possibly the most frustrating thing about the story. I read ahead, and I can tell you that Seth's only warming up when it comes to unpleasant behaviors. He'll insult, belittle, upstage, and even beat up the other characters, yet none of them will utter a word of criticism to him. They'll instead say that he's the most wonderful guy they ever met. The few who do have a negative opinion are portrayed as foolish and in dire need of a lecture from him.

[rhyson]

"In Fanfiction, anything is possible.

Now enjoy."

If I thought the author was sincere, I'd think these words are gracious. I suspect the author really means to say is, "I get to do anything I want because it's my story, so shut up and like it." I have no proof, it's just a hunch I get.

This spork is a much needed breath of fresh air. Meyer knows only two modes of writing: boring and offensive. Sporks are pretty good at helping one study what not to do. I'm getting a pretty thorough lessons on how boring telling instead of showing is. lol

[stalkinglanius8]

If I thought the author was sincere, I'd think these words are gracious. I suspect the author really means to say is, "I get to do anything I want because it's my story, so shut up and like it." I have no proof, it's just a hunch I get.

I can't exactly say for certain the author's purpose, as that's just inviting speculations. It could have been done for any reason. Personally, I'm pretty sure that the author is a huge comic fan, and that he wrote this piece to show his appreciation for the source material. Most of the things that came off as disrespectful to the source material, bashing the characters and the hyper focus on the Sues, feels to me like it stemmed more from ignorance and poor writing skills, and maybe not thinking about the implications.

This spork is a much needed breath of fresh air. Meyer knows only two modes of writing: boring and offensive. Sporks are pretty good at helping one study what not to do. I'm getting a pretty thorough lessons on how boring telling instead of showing is.

This story certainly has more variety in the badness department. My most favorite one is how hilariously melodramatic the prose gets. Some of the description feels like it came out of an anime; the story described a character crying as a "stream of waterfall", several characters "sweatdrop", and the story even said that a character has a literal light bulb going off over their head!

And don't even get me started on how the story could be liken to a soap opera. Especially when the dreaded love triangle shows up...

[cmdrnemo]

Well, what we've got so far just screams "poor writing skills." On the other hand, fan fiction writers with limited skill are well known for having egos a Tolkien level of success wouldn't justify.

To me it feels like "obviously you are going to enjoy this, it is amazingly fantastic."