TSiaSoS Spork: Part 5, Chapter 1: “Arrival”

[epistler]

Well, here we are at Part 5: "Malignitatem". Apparently that’s Latin for “malignancy”. Other meanings include “I am a pretentious prat” and “a failed attempt at appearing grand, meaningful or poetic”.

It’s a very flexible word.

After that comes yet another pretentious and entirely unnecessary quote:

And as a twig is bent, it grows.—MARION TINSLEY

What the hell does that have to do with anything?! Not that the quote itself is stupid or meaningless, mind you. Tree branches and twigs do indeed grow in the directions they’ve been pushed into. My parents knew a guy who used a system of frames and twine to coax trees into growing into the shapes of chairs and other furniture, presumably just for the hell of it. And of course the same can be said of people: we grow in the directions life pushes us.

Then of course there are those people who are the human equivalent of bonsai: thanks to having had their roots trimmed and bound from an early age, they never grow at all. Or rather they only grow into stunted, twisted versions of what they might have been, and as a result they don’t tend to bear much in the way of fruit and aren’t really good for anything except being pampered and fussed over and admired.

...But of course this quote has no relevance to anything we’ll be discussing here today. I just felt like doing something intellectually stimulating before moving on to yet another chapter of mind-numbing self-indulgent stupidity.

The chapter itself is called “Arrival”. What, we’re not going to Latin that too?

In a very nostalgic moment, the chapter opens with Kiragon waking up. Everything’s dark and she can’t tell where the hell she is. She tries to voice-activate the lights, which doesn’t work, and apparently she’s in a “womb-like space”. FFS enough with the pregnancy metaphors! They’re icky!

Anyway, if this place was actually like a womb it would be full of fluid, so there.

Kiragon tries thinking the word “light” at the Venom ripoff, and oh for the love of Pete! Now the damn thing lights up as well?!

Not only that, but it’s turned her cabin into a goddamn garden while she was asleep. Glowing fruits, ferns, vines, etc, “covered with tiny, textural patterns, as if an obsessive artist had been determined to decorate every square millimeter with fractal adornment”.

And Paolini still can’t write prose worth a damn.

Nor has he apparently learned much in the way of restraint, because the stupid Venom ripoff suit has continued to turn into more and more of a plot convenient Deus Ex Machina than it already was. How many goddamn powers does this thing even have by now? And by extension the protagonist?? Bulletproof, laser proof, super strength, invulnerability against the vacuum of space, infinite supply of oxygen, limb replacement, manifests weapons on command, instant translator, invisibility, healing, and now it can generate life.

And we’re not even done here!

I’ve recently been re-reading the old comm’s group spork of Inheritance, and this quote jumped out at me.

“We like to think that Paolini is improving and becoming more mature but this chapter reveals underneath it all is a giggling author writing a childish series, heavy on escapism and light on logic.” ~Distinctvaguens

And that was more than a decade ago! Didn’t Paolini brag about how this thing was supposed to be his coming-of-age novel? His Big Serious Work? The book where he shows us all how he’s gone from being a Boy to being a Man? Then why the hell are we still seeing nonsense like this? His protagonist is still a hopelessly immature selfish brat Sue, his pacing is still hopelessly slow and dreary, his plots are still hollow and meaningless, his world-building is still derivative and uncreative as fuck, and he’s still falling back on “new powers as the plot demands” whenever it suits him! This isn’t a mature work of mature anything! I've encountered CHEESE that was more mature than this! It’s just more of the same juvenile garbage he was writing when he was seventeen!

You’re a lying liar who tells lies, you LIAR!

…damn it felt good getting that off my chest.

Being a Paotagonist, Kiragon reacts to all this “with a sense of wonder” followed by self-congratulations about how “She had done this”. Um, yeah. Sure you did. While you were unconscious. cough

She also thinks about how this is much nicer than fighting and killing, and you can bet Paolini disagrees with that, at least on a subconscious level, because violence and killing is KEWL.

Kiragon extricates herself from her little garden and leaves it behind in the cabin. She “smirks” over the thought of what Falcon Punch is going to say, because she’s an unlikeable little asshole, then whines at the Venom ripoff for eating yet another set of Internet Contact Lenses. She mentally asks it “When are you going to learn?” like the thing is a misbehaving child. And when are YOU going to learn to take them out before bedtime, you moron?

Falcon Punch calls her up to the bridge, and he’s looking pretty terrible thanks to a case of cryo sickness. Kiragon gives him some “hot chell”, whatever the hell that is, and tells him about the garden thingy.

Instead of reacting with, y’know, surprise, or shock, or anything like that, Falcon Punch instantly jumps to bitching and moaning about the Venom ripoff “disassembling my ship”. What a dullard this guy is. He asks what would happen to the Venom ripoff if Kiragon dies, after which they’re joined by Atari the Jellyfish. Who, by the way, has no personality. Kiragon tells the thing (which looks like a Balmain Bug in my head) they’re ready to contact the Knot of Minds.

They're considered a delicacy here in Australia, I'm afraid.

After a completely unnecessary numbered cut, Kiragon sends the signal in a lot of boring detail. Falcon Punch makes an unfunny joke, and cue another pointless cut. Kiragon and Falcon Punch do a bunch of odd jobs around the ship, and it’s dictated at us that Kiragon isn’t one to sit around when there’s work that needs doing and how she feels sorry for Falcon Fruit Punch being so sick, and how she’s worried he won’t have long enough to recover, etc.

So we see that on top of all the other shit I ranted about earlier, Paolini also hasn’t learned the importance of “show don’t tell”.

This is entry level stuff, people.

Blah blah, Falcon Punch has a look at the garden and literally “nopes” out of there. Kiragon smiles flirtily at him and thinks about the kiss he forced on her earlier. Groan.

And then they both go to bed.

“Next morning” – um, how can there be mornings here? You’re in space – the three of them go back to the bridge. Paolini has a go at making the Jellyfish scent language more nuanced:

“A continuous cloud of scents emanated from the Jelly. At the moment, they were subdued – just a general I am here, like a low hum in the background – interspersed with an occasional spike of interest-driven odor, spicy and somewhat unpleasant.”

Okay that’s kind of interesting. Albeit unlikely to ever become relevant or even be mentioned again.

Kiragon decides to make small-talk and asks Atari about its background. The Jellyfish tells her it was assigned a shape and a job right from adolescence and wasn’t given a choice in the matter, but it turns out it doesn’t seem to have any concept of a life outside of serving its kind. Kiragon, being as close-minded as her predecessors, reacts to this by getting frustrated, because how dare the Jellyfish have different values from hers, I guess. Falcon Punch very sensitively refers to Atari as “that thing”, which Kiragon raises no objections to, so I guess she’s fine with it. Instead she keeps prodding Atari and learns a few tidbits about the Jellyfish homeworld which probably won’t become relevant as we’ll never see said homeworld, but oh well. The fans gotta have something to put in the wiki. (I’m assuming one already exists).

Another numbered cut, and they’re hailed by General Cheesegrater of all people. She seems okay and Oromis-like she keeps insisting that they have to talk in person and this is non-negotiable. Why isn’t she the main character?

This will mean going to some planet called Cordova-Fourteen-Twenty, which will take twenty-eight hours and- oh, who even gives a shit? More travelling, Kiragon and Falcon Punch spend a lot of it hanging out playing cards and shooting the shit. Kiragon asks Falcon Punch why he bought the ship ie why did he want to leave home, and he says well why did you become a really incompetent xenobiologist? Kiragon claims it’s because she wanted to see the universe. That is until she met Alanbot and completely lost interest in favour of getting married like a good girl. I’m partly being sarcastic here, but it’s one of mankind’s more pathetic truths that in the not too distant past women were regularly turned down for careers because “you’ll just get married and quit sooner or later so what’s the point?”. And this kind of smacks of that, tbh.

Anyway, Falcon Punch talks about how things got pretty shitty on his homeworld politically speaking and he made a few enemies and ultimately decided to get his own ship so he could be free. He makes the lofty claim that he’d “rather struggle and fail on my own than be coddled as a slave”. Ah yes, to boldly succeed on your own when all you have is existing fame, a network of well-placed contacts, and millions of dollars in the bank. Pardon me while I wipe this inspirational tear from my eye.

This moves Kiragon to go get her concertina and play him a tune called “Saman-Sahari”, which makes her all nostalgic. Ah, serenading the love interest with a nostalgic tune. Never seen that one before. At least it wasn’t a lullaby she composed herself, played on the inevitable piano. So, um, points for thinking outside the box?

This makes Falcon Punch all teary and romantic hand touching ensues. Can someone please enlighten me as to why Kiragon is at all attractive to this guy? Or vice versa? Either way I have to say I’m pretty sick of these forced romantic subplots in books that don’t need them, and especially so considering what this one’s going to culminate in. shudder

Numbered cut, and they’ve arrived. Falcon Punch announces that “we’re not alone” so I guess that means we’ll have to sit through more boring “action”.

End chapter.

Comments

[anontu]

I've wondered if he's still creatively bankrupt these days as from what I've heard the idea for this book came to him during the Brisingr days. In his favour he wrote a story he conceived when he was a lot younger. Against his favour this is not much excuse when as an author - a "professional author" he should make every book as good as possible. I've made massive changes with my books that set me back months because they were the best actions to take.

[epistler]

from what I've heard the idea for this book came to him during the Brisingr days.

Interesting - where did you hear that?

And you're right; even if he did come up with the idea years ago that's no excuse for not having reworked it into something better and more original since then. I still occasionally refine and reuse the better parts of the stuff I came up with as a teenager, because now I have a much better perspective on what the more worthwhile aspects of them were and which parts need to be discarded.

[anontu]

From Pao himself. On reddit, perhaps. I'm certain he said the idea came to him during the Brisingr tour.

[epistler]

Presumably while he was watching Alien on his hotel room TV.

[hidden_urchin]

I don't think the creativity is so much in the initial idea as what you do with it. Even if this idea came to him as a younger author, there was nothing stopping him from developing it in a way that it was uniquely his as an older author.

If I had to guess, I'd guess what's really holding him back is being able to sell works based on his adolescent success. He doesn't have to develop his creative ability any further or look more deeply into his stories because he doesn't have to compete with the tens of thousands of other writers out there.

At some point, though, he may have to reinvent himself as an author. At that point, I think we'll see what he's really able to do.

[baronleduc]

And as a twig is bent, it grows.—MARION TINSLEY

I don't get it. What's the meaning of this ? Also, who the heck is Marion Tinsley ?

Never been a fan of quotations

Nor has he apparently learned much in the way of restraint, because the stupid Venom ripoff suit has continued to turn into more and more of a plot convenient Deus Ex Machina than it already was. How many goddamn powers does this thing even have by now? And by extension the protagonist?? Bulletproof, laser proof, super strength, invulnerability against the vacuum of space, infinite supply of oxygen, limb replacement, manifests weapons on command, instant translator, invisibility, healing, and now it can generate life.

Next chapter, we will finally know if the Limp Suit can do taxes.

Being a Paotagonist, Kiragon reacts to all this “with a sense of wonder” followed by self-congratulations about how “She had done this”. Um, yeah. Sure you did. While you were unconscious.

Congrats, Kira! You ruined a cabin with your disgusting living suit! Hurray!

She also thinks about how this is much nicer than fighting and killing, and you can bet Paolini disagrees with that, at least on a subconscious level, because violence and killing is KEWL

Of course it's kewl, because it's the BEST way to solve problems!

They're considered a delicacy here in Australia, I'm afraid.

As a seafood fan, looks delicious. Especially with garlic butter.

Hey, can you send me some, please ?

“Next morning”

According to who? They're in space.

The fans gotta have something to put in the wiki. (I’m assuming one already exists)

Yes it does exists. But here's the twist : It is in the Inheritance Wiki (https://inheritance.fandom.com/wiki/To_Sleep_in_a_Sea_of_Stars)

Kiragon and Falcon Punch spend a lot of it hanging out playing cards and shooting the shit.

I guess Netflix and Chill doesn't exist in this universe.

Falcon Punch talks about how things got pretty shitty on his homeworld politically speaking and he made a few enemies and ultimately decided to get his own ship so he could be free. He makes the lofty claim that he’d “rather struggle and fail on my own than be coddled as a slave”.


Okay. Two things :

1 - To be free ? Did he explain a bit more of what actually he did to make himself some enemies ?

2- If he wants to "struggle and fail", then maybe he shouldn't leave his homeworld and face his enemies.

This makes Falcon Punch all teary and romantic hand touching ensues. Can someone please enlighten me as to why Kiragon is at all attractive to this guy? Or vice versa? Either way I have to say I’m pretty sick of these forced romantic subplots in books that don’t need them, and especially so considering what this one’s going to culminate in

Pointless. That's pointless. Did Chris already forgot the last chapter's part when Falconi went creepy on her ?

Thankfully I'm not into that, and not looking forward to write some in my writings. Fuck that nonsense.

[epistler]

As a seafood fan, looks delicious. Especially with garlic butter.

Hey, can you send me some, please ?

Heehee. It's been a while but the way I remember it they've got a texture similar to a prawn. One of the most common cooking methods is to slice it in half lengthways and bake it Lobster Thermidor style.

1 - To be free ? Did he explain a bit more of what actually he did to make himself some enemies ?

It was something about how people were being ripped off by the government and started protesting and he sided with the protestors because a lot of them were friends of his. It's pretty vague on the specifics - he just says something like "things were said and done if you know what I mean".

2- If he wants to "struggle and fail", then maybe he shouldn't leave his homeworld and face his enemies.

But then again if he's not a tragic exile from all he once knew, how can he be a proper rugged antihero?!

[ultimate_cheetah]

Yes it does exists. But here's the twist : It is in the Inheritance Wiki

LOL. Even the fans don't think it's that important. (And they don't even go into it "to avoid spoilers" even though that's the whole point of a wiki.)

And the Inheritance Wiki is hard to update. I tried to, but the 'not a robot' test formatted so I couldn't click 'continue'.