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antishurtugal_rebornSo apparently “Ferro” means “iron” and “comitante” means something like “female companion”. I did however also find the words as part of a “knightly motto”: Deo duce, Ferro comitante – “God as my leader and a sword as my companion”.
So I guess it’s supposed to mean that Kiragon is a female accomplice who’s made out of iron. Or something. Whatever.
They’re up against the nonentity bad guy’s massive spaceship, which has an escort of smaller ships. Everyone‘s crammed into the Edible Snail’s “storm shelter” for some reason, and the two Entropists are back to their old obnoxiously high-handed selves. Meanwhile Nil By Mouth and Dr Bollywood keep exchanging flirty looks, which Kiragon finds amusing. I have no idea why this out of nowhere relationship was wedged into the text, but it certainly isn’t adding anything.
Major Cheesegrater appears on screen and tells them to get ready. Kiragon gets all melodramatic again and has “a sense of inevitability” "curdling" in her veins. You should probably get your cholesterol checked if you’re feeling curdling in there, pal. And see a competent psychiatrist while you’re at it, because your massive emotional problems are becoming more obvious by the day. I mean really. She’s supposed to be scared and that’s the best you could do?
Anyway, now Kiragon’s done with Having An Emotion, we get a bunch of boring uninvolved description of the battle going on outside which Kiragon watches. One Jellyfish ship gets destroyed and starts “spraying boiling water”. You know, in space. Seems legit. (Later on in this scene we find out there's also apparently sound in space. Because doing research and being scientifically accurate is way easier when you just lie about it to make yourself sound good).
Blah blah blah more details I don’t care about, and a really stupid description referring to lasers as “crimson threads”. There’s that obsession with the word “crimson” again.
Meanwhile someone asks if Greg has started communicating again and the answer is no. Rather absurdly, Kiragon finds this disappointing because that means he’s not “making constant comments”. Yeah, remember that thing he does which is so insanely fucking annoying? She misses that. It’s such a weird feeling when the characters in a book inexplicably find the Odious Comic Relief funny and endearing. Like, how are they not picking up on how unbelievably irritating this guy is? And how much of an insufferable douchebag?
More fighting. Falcon Punch gives Kiragon a backrub while mentally texting her and saying they “should talk”, which Kiragon responds to with “do we need to?”. Because apparently she’s just that unaware of how messed up and revolting last chapter’s sex was.
And at this point even my computer had officially had enough of this crap, because it went Blue Screen of Death on me, complete with scary buzzing noises.
Sadly it recovered just fine with no data loss so now I have to continue. Tease me, why don’t you?
But then oh no the baddie ship changes position or something and now it looks like the plan to hit its “Markov Drive” won’t work any more. Then there’s this thing right out of a movie where they’ve only got two missiles left and the first one misses so oh no if the last one doesn’t work everything is lost. Kiragon the supposed protagonist’s contribution at this point? To sit there wishing she could still bite her fingernails. Is it just me or is Kiragon starting to feel like a completely superfluous character?
Paolini throws in a time limit in an attempt at heightening the “suspense”, and then they get attacked by some blob thingies which are apparently Jellyfish escape pods or something. Kiragon remains useless, but does take the time to think about how it would be “Better yet if she were close enough to tear apart the approaching enemies with the Soft Blade”. So much for the “oh woe it’s so wrong I used it for killing” thing, then.
Then right out of nowhere they get hit by a hacking attack but the Entropists say they can fix it. Paolini starts laying on the generic Space Drama as thick as possible, with descriptions of the whole ship rattling and shaking, alarms going off and smoke pouring out of random vents, followed by Asian Stereotype reporting a bunch of hull breaches, engine down to twenty-eight percent efficiency, emergency protocols in effect, etc etc. If you've seen pretty much any movie involving spaceships, you've been this before down to the last detail.
The Entropists announce that whatever’s broken into the computer system is too tough to handle (bet you anything it’s Greg), and then Falcon Punch dramatically announces that they’re about to be boarded.
And all of this is about as exciting to read as a damn tax return, for the usual Paolini reasons. Namely characters we don’t care about, unclear stakes, and emotionally detached prose from the POV of a dull nonentity who only Has An Emotion when the author remembers to throw something in. And then usually forgets about it by the next page.
Another cut. Everyone grabs weapons, and Kiragon Has An Emotion – namely relief because now she’s not twiddling her thumbs any more followed by the thought that fighting gives mental clarity. If you say so.
Anyway, to cut a long and very boring story short the Jellyfish eventually (and I do mean eventually) break in, tentacles and all, and one grabs the “cryo box” with Runcible the irrelevant pet pig inside. Falcon Punch gets all upset but is told it’s a trap.
So Kiragon decides she’ll just rush in anyway, with the noble thought that “a life was a life”.
...how do the Jellyfish know about the stupid pig anyway?
Something weird starts happening with the lights and then, surprise surprise, guess who shows up just when it’s the most dramatically convenient?
Prepare to groan.
“...an enormous bellowing roar.
‘PUT DOWN THAT PIG!’.
Gregorovich.”
Arrrrrgh.
Another cut so we can recover from the shock of the most surprising and least hackneyed plot twist ever, and then Greg slams a door on the Jellyfish which drops the pigsicle, Falcon Punch dramatically orders his underlings to “perforate that thing”, and “Nielsen, Sparrow, and Kira happily obliged”.
I think that was supposed to be “badass”. Or something.
...and now comes the pain.
“Welcome back, my symbiotic infestation!” cried Gregorovich. “Oh happy day that we should be reunited, my bothersome little meatbags! Such dark times they were with me lost in the twisting maze of fruitless fallacies and you off gallivanting in meddlesome misadventures! How fortunate for you a luminous lantern led me back. Rejoice, for I am reborn! What have you done to this poor snail of a ship, hmm? I’ll assume control of operations, if you don’t mind. Morven, alas poor simulacrum, isn’t fit for the task. First to purge this grotesque bit of alien code infecting my processors, aaand ... done. Venting and stabilizing reactor. Now to show these sump-sniffers what I’m really capable of. Whee!”
“About time,” said Falconi.
Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean…
It only gets worse as for some damn reason everyone’s happy to see the unfunny piece of shit back, and Greg keeps on with the painful blathering and LOL RANDOMNESS. And now for some reason he’s able to project “A ghostly blue hand” out of a screen. When was that a thing?
Naturally Greg’s got a plan for dealing with the situation (it basically boils down to “park the ship inside the Baddie Ship and send Kiragon out to deal with the bad guy"). It takes him several pages to get this across, though, because Paolini pads it out with more LOL RANDOMNESS.
I seriously and in all honesty want to fucking kill someone right now. I’m also starting to think that of all the many, many literary sins Paolini has committed in his undeserved career, creating Greg was very possibly the worst of the lot. He's even worse than Angela. WORSE.
He then proceeds to draw things out even more, with further blah-blah and Kiragon recalling the part of the Venom ripoff she used to turn her cabin into a garden and using it to create armour for herself. Meter-thick armour, no less. She then announces that she’s going to go in. “Alone”. Because, you know, she’s the Lone Hero and all that.
The usual argument predictably follows, and Falcon Punch finally has a jab at her by pointing out that the Venom ripoff might get out of control again, and Kiragon very maturely responds to this by… threatening them all. She sends out “tendrils’ from her hands and says well maybe she’ll just tie them up.
Falcon Punch doesn’t take the bait, and we get the old seen-it-a-zillion-times-before scene in which the hero’s friends make inspiring little speeches about how they’re willing to take the risk (with Dr Bollywood’s winning the prize for being the cheesiest: “We know the risks, and… we accept them with open hearts”. Gag). And Kiragon gets all teary and upset because oh no what if something happens to them too, boohoo, and they end up group-hugging it out. Kiragon thinks about how they’re good people and how they’ve “changed” since she met them because before now they wouldn’t have been willing to do something this brave and selfless.
There Paolini goes again, kidding himself that his characters actually develop and change. Harhar, it is to laugh.
Meanwhile the Entropists (why are they even still in this book??) are invited along, and are noted to be “garbed in their gradient robes”. Paolini really needs to stop using that word. Along with “maw”, “crimson” and all variations of “throbbed” and “thrust”. Oh hell, let’s face it; he needs to be banned from using words altogether, unless those words be something along the lines of “I hereby offer my sincere regrets and apologies toward the following writers, artists and film directors”, followed by a comprehensive list and a solemn promise to change his ways.
But of course that’s never going to happen.
Instead we’re just going to get more of this.
And by "this" I mean more fucking Greg. You unbelievable son of a bitch.
Falcon Punch asks the unfunny dismembered asshole to “say a few words”, so we get a little speech from him complete with title drop.
The ship pretended to clear his throat. “Fine. Hear me now. The Lord of Empty Spaces protect us as we venture forth to fight our foes. Guide our hands—and our thoughts—and guide our weapons that we may work our will upon these perversions of peace. Let daring be our shield and righteous fury be our sword, and may our enemies flee at the sight of those who defend the defenseless, and may we stand unbowed and unbroken in the face of evil. Today is the Day of Wrath, and we are the instruments of our species’ retribution. Deo duce, ferro comitante. Amen.”
ARGH.
Everyone nods and smiles because this thing is set in Opposite of Makes Sense Land, and this would be a perfectly fine spot to end the chapter, but instead we get two more pages in which they finally enter the Baddie Ship. Everyone gets ready to fight, and then Greg shows up again (figuratively speaking) and quirkily quirks at them that the nightmares have shown up along with their leader which “Calls itself… the Maw”.
I told you to stop using that word, Paolini.
And then the goddamn chapter ends. At least I can say there’s less than two hundred pages to go. The end is in sight at last. Sort of. I'd say I was at the end of my tether but that actually happened some time ago. I'm not sure if there's a term for what comes several steps after that.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 06:36 pm (UTC)What a very sensible person she is. Might as well told him to fuck off.
Okay, to be fair, starting a serious discussion in the middle of a quote-unquote battle, might not be the best moment to do so (my interpretation of Kira’s reaction). But at least don’t say that. Because it's rude and shit.
Okay. Two thing comes to my mind:
1- So what we know of him from the recents chapters, all the building of Greg being unable and nonresponsive to anyone aboard, was all in forfeit of to create a plot twist to save the day against all odds, instead of creating a living character with psychological difficulties ? All of this for nothing, straight to the garbage?
2- Did he became dumber ? Who say « Whee! » like a child?
Either way, I blame Chris Paolini. Fuck you Chris for ruining characters like Greg to fulfill plotholes.
Sir, this is Wendy’s restaurant.
EDIT: typos, because I can. lol
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 01:45 am (UTC)Yup. He just magically got better the moment it was dramatically convenient.
So it would seem. D:
"It's all right - it's e-meth!"
"I don't care! You're in my living room and you're naked!"
no subject
Date: 2021-05-20 10:08 pm (UTC)I do not know the reference. Where it come from ?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-21 05:47 am (UTC)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ec6KsB67vI
no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-17 09:59 pm (UTC)I'm sorry, I would have commented earlier, but I was drowning in the worst imaginable fondue: melodramatic cheese mixed with semiliquid bullshit.
Fuck Greg, fuck this chapter, and fuck Paolini for writing it.
Oh, and fuck the fine folks at Tor who "edited", approved, typeset, printed, distributed, and promoted this shit.
Serious question about the worldbuilding: if the ship is able to continue functioning perfectly adequately with no noticeable loss of function or control WITHOUT Greg... what exactly is the purpose of ship minds? If they are not necessary for the ship's operation, navigation, life support, or other critical functions, then what cartoonishly-evil organisation would even approve a process to wrie up some poor sod's brain to a spaceship, effectively trapping them in an incredibly expensive mobile prison? And who would ever volunteer for the procedure?!
Was Greg a criminal given the option of either life in solitary or life as a ship mind? Or worse, did they kidnap some poor mentally ill person from a Future Asylum to turn him into a ship mind against his will/without informed consent??!
Some time soon I should post dome excerpts from Earthsong by Victor Kelleher to show how a damaged "ship mind" (in that story, a complex near-human AI) would actually behave and function.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:16 am (UTC)What makes this even more depressing is that a lot of Paolini's fans actually LIKE Greg and think he's all funny and charming, best character in the book, etc. What.
They should be ashamed of themselves, full stop.
Good question, and now you mention it the answer seems to be "no purpose whatsoever". If anything this guy is just a liability.
In a previous chapter Greg actually did claim to have done it voluntarily. And at the end of the book when Kiragod offers to give him a new body he actually says no! Because of reasons.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:25 pm (UTC)So for the most part a ship's computer has to monitor a bunch of pressures, gas mixes, temperatures, voltages, fluid levels, laser gyro and accelerometer responses, and other simple things like that. For these functions an intelligent system is actually more of a liability than an asset. All they really need is a simple "if value exceeds range, generate alert" system monitor. An AI of some level as a next step to analyze the error and determine importance could save a lot of time. For example if the fluid registers high in the middle of a rotation that's normal and doesn't require an alarm. Even then, you don't need, or want, a human mind. This is all stuff that a computer is better at than a person. This is why we created computers in the first place.
What you might need a human mind for would be sensor data processing. Technically everything is in space and with the distances involved it can be a little difficult to sort out how far away those space sharks are. Humans are very good at picking out patterns. So a mind could help with fixing your position/recognizing reference points. There's no way in space that you would rip a brain out of a perfectly good human for the job. Especially seeing as most mobile phones are already powerful enough to do the job and the code is easy enough to write that undergrad physicists do it all the time. So that might not work properly.
Maybe controlling the ship under high stress situations? These sorts of books tend to put everything much much much closer together than they really are. Which means that fancy acrobatics and high speed maneuvers have more value. So maybe the brain is supposed to help with that? In that case the ship would only lose some combat capability if the brain was removed. Which would explain Greg to some extent. He only has 20 minutes worth of work to do every year and is otherwise unable to do anything, at all, ever.
In any case nothing he does is exclusive, you could always just assign a person a chair and get them to do it. So it might just be a reduce the workload thing.
I would never call it a good idea to use a human brain for that. Everything it is doing is either: boring as, or math involving very large numbers. And both of those are things that the human brain sucks at.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 04:17 am (UTC)I legit got stung by a wasp earlier today and that was less painful than this chapter.