Sinner Sporking: Part Two

[epistler]

The next chapter opens with Askam behaving exactly like Borneheld, raging over the fact that the Corolean Emperor keeps nagging him to pay off his debt to the Empire, which is apparently to the tune of more than a million generic “gold pieces”. As if that wasn’t repetitive enough, the ridiculous names are back in full force, as one of Askam’s advisers is named – I shit you not – “Jannymire Goldman”. Why yes, I did immediately start picturing an offensive Jewish stereotype.

Apparently Caelum is a completely useless supreme overlord who’s choosing to stand by and let Askam deal with the situation himself. Which immediately turns out to be a terrible idea, because Askam suddenly declares that he’s going to raise the money by slapping a ridiculously huge tax on anyone moving goods into Cosmo’s lands, which will “wipe the smirk off [Cosmo’s] face”, or so he hopes. I can’t believe this guy’s not blood related to Axis, because he has the exact same petty, smug attitude toward anyone he personally dislikes. And there’s the vindictive streak too. I’m starting to get the feeling Douglass only knows how to write three different characters.

Goldstein – oops, “Goldman” tells him not to do it and gets a lolno. Askam also refuses to consult Caelum, and then goes on to come up with an even worse idea, namely that of forcing immigrants to pay ten thousand bucks before they’re allowed to leave the state. We learn that ten thousand bucks is such an absurd amount that it’ll basically bankrupt anyone who has to pay it. This guy is officially too stupid to live.

Cut to Goldfish giving a bunch of important citizens the bad news. Said citizens have names ranging from “Netherem Pumster, Master Bell-Maker” to “Karl Hurst” and “Bransom Heavorand”. And yes, these guys are supposedly from the same culture. They react with outrage and start heaping Sue praise on Cosmo, who’s supposedly so Awesome and Noble that “he’d give his soul if he thought it might put meat on your table.” This dialogue is so natural-sounding, isn’t it? Also, let’s all wave goodbye to our old friend subtlety, shall we? Askam Bad and Stupid, Cosmopolitan Good and Noble, the end.

Goldfish listens while everyone yells about how life was better before this whole Tencendor bullshit, then puts in that the Icarii are Totally Awesome, and the SunSoars (remember those assholes?) are Awesomer. Everyone agrees (naturally), and they all start nodding about how Askam just sucks and isn’t as good as his dear departed daddy. Instead they want Cosmo to be in charge because he’s the legit heir to the throne. After a few pages of blah blah in which Cosmo gets even more Sue praise, Bransome Heave-ho says they should go have a chat with him in secret. And with that the rebellion begins.

Wait, isn’t this what happened in the Star Wars prequels? You know, bickering about taxes substituted for epic adventure? ’Cause the way I remember it, it didn’t work for George Lucas either.

The next chapter is called “StarSon Caelum”, so I guess it’s finally time to find out what the Sue Baby is like now he’s all grown up.

Spoilers: As I recall, it won’t be pretty.

We’ve over at Sigholt, which is of course Awesome and Beautiful. An unidentified Icarii Enchanter is standing on the roof stargazing. After a bunch of exposition about the surroundings, all of it delivered via omniscient narration rather than being presented through the viewpoint of the character we’re supposed to be with right now, a couple of “birdmen” show up. One of them’s dressed up like some prat cosplaying as a Naval officer, in a white uniform with a gold braid on it. Subtle. The other has red hair and wings and is Edward Cullen levels of pale. SpikeFeather, is that you?

As it turns out, the jerk on the rooftop is indeed the Sue Baby, or rather the Sue Adult, Caelum himself. He thinks about how the Icarii in the naval officer’s uniform is some guy named – groan – “WingRidge CurlClaw”, and he’s captain of his personal guard. Don’t ask me why he’s called “CurlClaw”, because… y’know, the Icarii don’t have claws. The other guy is indeed SpikeFeather, and we learn that every member of WingRidge’s guard force – all six hundred of ’em – is one of the kids SpikeFeather rescued in the last book, all grown up as well. Supposedly the little trip through the underground canals changed them in some nebulous way and they eventually swore their eternal servitude to the “StarSon”, today’s equally lame substitute for “StarMan”. Supposedly they came up with the uniform themselves and no-one knows where they got the idea.

SpikeFeather has also allegedly “changed” and is all “enigmatic” and stuff, and for the last twenty years he’s been spending most of his time with Orr the ferryman and no-one knows what he does down there “or what Orr did to the birdman”. Well, if you didn’t want me to immediately conclude that he’s fucking SpikeFeather’s little ginger brains out, you failed, because that’s exactly what I’m picturing now, and nothing is ever going to change my mind.

With the big heaping pile of infodumping over and done with, Caelum finally does something: namely he goes back inside and starts moping about how he has to do all this boring paperwork. Well, at least the author’s not skipping over that aspect of rulership. We also learn that he has “thick, close-cropped black curly hair”. Fun fact about curly hair – it has to be a certain length before you’re going to get any actual curls. So if this guy is sporting a crew cut, he ain’t gonna be curly. You can’t have it both ways, author.

(Freudian Slip Alert: I accidentally wrote that Caelum was sporking a crew cut the first time around.)

Then Caelum thinks about how great his parents are, and how when their youngest kid, Zenith, hit twenty-five, they started wanting to hang out with those asshole Star Gods instead of their family. And so, nine years ago, Axis, aka El Douche, handed the reins to Caelum in a “magnificent ceremony”. Yes, I’m sure it was just as irritating as the one where the supreme douche “proclaimed Tencendor Chicken With Rice”, so I’m not at all sorry that we don’t get to see it.

Since then Caelum’s barely seen either of his awful, awful parents. Good for him. He then lies to the reader about how Axis won the rulership through “sheer courage”. As opposed to having everything fall into his lap free of charge, and using violent threats and cruel and unusual punishment when he didn’t get his way, which is definitely what I remember.

Fortunately the tedium is interrupted at this point as Caelum sees a “presence coalesce in the window”. I have no idea if that was supposed to be taken literally or not. I guess the visitor used the very convenient teleport spell Axis kept using in the last trilogy?

It’s Caelum’s sister Zenith. We get a quick description of her – unlike Caelum she’s got wings, which are black like her hair. She’s also – say it with me – “beautiful”. Apparently even more so than the Queen of Sues, Azhure. Wait, is that even possible?? As per usual we get some infodumping about her supposed personality – namely that she’s always sad and troubled and had nightmares a lot when she was a kid. Fascinating, Captain.

The two of them share some huggles, and Caelum finds himself inexplicably saying that it’s time she “thought about fleeing”. Yes, Zenith – do that. Get the fuck out of this book before the author does what she’s going to do with you. Caelum suggests that maybe she should go to the Island of Mist and Memory and hang out with StarDrifter, because she played with him a lot when she was a child.

Yes… “played”. Did StarDrifter like to “tickle” a lot, Zenith? And let me guess – he told you it was “our little secret” every time. No I will not apologise for that joke. Hell, it barely even counts as a joke to begin with.

Zenith suggests jokingly that maybe she should take Drago, ne DragonStar with her, so cue an infodump about him. Apparently he’s never caused any trouble or even said anything mean, but he’s “different”. The other kids are all special snowflake Mary Sues with extremely nebulous magical powers who are functionally immortal, while Drago is just a poor pathetic regular Joe “ageing into useless thin-faced middle years as he watched his brothers and sisters glory in their youth and enchanted powers”. Yes, let’s all dump on poor Drago for – le gasp – having the spine to go and get old.

And remember, kids – if you’re not immortal and beautiful and magical and shit, you are “useless” and pathetic! I really really hate how fucking elitist this series is.

Just then WingRidge shows up saying they’ve had a message from Askam. Caelum reads it and promptly flips his lid, which causes him to spew a stream of horribly unnatural-sounding, stilted dialogue. He then storms off and thinks about what a pain in the ass Askam and Cosmo are.

Zenith steps in and says Caelum has to do something about it, and also about Leagion and her very important problems. Caelum declares that he’s going to have to call a meeting of “the Council of Five”, in other words the heads of the five most important families in the country. Great, more dry political discourse. He tells WingRidge to go send messages to everyone, including Isfrael. Remember him? Faraday’s son, now leader of the Avar. Apparently he grew up to be a cranky bastard. No surprises there considering who his daddy was. As for Zenith, she’ll be the one to take the message to Askam personally because the stupid talking bridge apparently has the power to teleport people. Since fuckin’ when? Talk about new powers as the plot demands.

Zenith says okay and leaves, ending the chapter. Well that was boring.

The next chapter, moronically titled “Beggars on the Floor, Travellers O’er the Bridge”, opens with RiverStar, daughter of Axis and Azhure and Drago's twin. She’s being a vain little bimbo. No seriously – when the chapter begins she’s admiring herself in the mirror while congratulating herself for being so hot and sexy, also blonde. Like, really blonde. Legally Blonde wasn’t as blonde as this chick. Then she feels the touch of “Power”, which belongs to her lover of the moment. Apparently “power” is capable of feeling people up now, because that’s exactly what it does, and she thinks about how she always ends up begging on her knees while sobbing and screaming until he throws her down and gives it to her. She thinks about how she doesn’t like having to do that, but it’s worth it because the sex is just that good.

Cut to her and Lover Boy post-coitus, and RiverStar asks to be acknowledged as his lover in public. When he says no she starts screaming at him until he violently grabs her by the face and hisses at her to keep their relationship a secret, until she gives up and starts begging for more sex.

Yup, Caelum grew up to be just like his daddy: a violent, abusive rapist. He’s not actually named here by way of “suspense”, but it’s Caelum. The only other possible culprit, when he shows up, is way too obvious. See? I told you the Sue Baby was going to grow up to be a horrible person.

Cut to Zenith changing into a “vivid robe” and thinking about how she’s not feeling too good mentally right now – apparently she’s been suffering from “a feeling of formless dread” and keeps having nightmares. She apparently had them as a kid so badly she could only sleep “sandwiched between the comfort of her parents”. Oh my GOD did they have a THREESOME?

Dude, this is a series that promotes incest and has no problem sexualising children. You don’t exactly have to jump through a lot of mental hoops to conclude that that’s exactly what happened. Apparently Axis used to question her about her dreams but she couldn’t really remember and Azhure wouldn’t let him use the “Song of Recall” on her.

Nowadays things have only gotten more disturbing as she keeps suffering from blackouts and amnesia and waking up in places with no idea how she got there. Dude, is she getting abducted by aliens? Because that would be kind of cool. Instead, I’m about 98% sure that what’s actually happening is that she’s being possessed and forced to fuck WolfStar. If it turns out I’m right, I’m going to put my fist through something.

We then get a not at all objectifying description of her, and of course she’s “stunningly beautiful”, also “slim”, and has pretty hair and so on. I guess we’re still not over the “All women are HAWT!” nonsense from before.

Now Zenith uses magic to summon an image of her grandfather StarDrifter. She recounts a cute memory of how when she was still learning how to fly, she got into trouble and StarDrifter caught her, after which she “adored” him “beyond the usual love of a granddaughter for her grandfather”, and also he cupped her chin to make her look him in the eyes and said “I’ll always be there to catch you.”

Aw, how loving and sweet.

Except… this is StarDrifter. You know, the same StarDrifter who promised himself that one day he’d fuck Azhure’s daughter. So instead this just reads like a predator grooming his next victim in the creepiest way possible. And no, I’m not going to just conveniently ignore the shenanigans he got up to in Enchanter no matter how much you try to retcon it, author.

At this point, who should show up but Drago himself. He’s looking rather creepy and apparently wears his “coppery” hair in a “tail”. Oh ye gods – is that a mullet?

Despite the slightly sinister introduction Drago is actually perfectly polite, and mentions that he likes StarDrifter too. Zenith reflects that this is true, and that the jerk always could “reach” the kid… “in a way Axis and Azhure could not – or could not be bothered to”. Hah, BURN. I like you, Zenith. She also thinks about how Drago could have been something more if their parents hadn’t constantly ignored him and favoured all the other kids over him, and how thanks to Azhure’s bullshit genetic mutilation spell he’s – OMG – not handsome. The horror!

Zenith tells him about the situation, and Drago makes a snide remark. But as she’s about to storm off he adds that her spell from before was beautiful and he wishes he could do that. Sad.

Then Zenith leaves to meet up with the obnoxious talking bridge. Supposedly no-one knows where the stupid thing came from or what it’s deal is, but it likes to gossip. Right, whatever. It teleports her to Spiredore, and cue a boring infodump about that. Zenith asks the Spiredore tower to take her to Carlon. Dude! Carlon’s right on the other side of the lake – it’s got to be a few kilometres if that, and you have wings! How fucking lazy are you?

Cut to Leagion, being typically boring as she’s doing the girly thing and brushing her pretty Princess hair. Zenith shows up, and they have a big huggy reunion. Zenith breaks the news about how she has to go to Sigholt but that’s okay because lover boy Cosmo will be there, and thinks about how she’s being misleading but that’s okay because Leagion will get to have “a day of hope and excitement” because now she gets to see Cosmo again after two years. In other words, you’re lying by default, Zenith. You truly are your mother’s daughter. Not that I give a damn about Leagion and her whiny little feewings, but even so. Why are fantasy protagonists always so dishonest with each other for no reason? I mean okay – I have one who’s needlessly tight-lipped, but he’s established as having major trust issues and someone eventually gives him a telling off about it. What’s Zenith’s excuse?

The next chapter cuts to Cosmo in a bad mood. He’s in a meeting with Goldfish and Heave-ho, and they’ve given him the news about Askam’s ridiculous new taxes. Being a Good Guy he orders his captain of the guards, “Gustus”, to repay everyone who’s been taxed to death. This seems a little rash to me, but then I’m not a politician.

Goldfish starts suggesting they should have a private chat – if you know what I mean – but they’re interrupted by the arrival of a couple of random Earls we’ve never seen before, supposedly both buddies of Cosmo. They’re pissed about the taxes too, but while they’re all yelling about it Captain Gustus, no relation to that pretentious prick from The Fault In Our Stars, butts in that they’ve had a summons from Caelum.

Cut to Goldfish later on. They’ve just finished up dinner with Cosmo, and apparently the conversation involved talking about “the exceptional salinity of the Widowmaker Sea”. Ah, “salinity” – a word that belongs far, far away from a medieval fantasy novel. Next, Zarq will show up and start lecturing us about how dragon venom causes “gastrointestinal upset”.

Now they start talking about the taxes yet again and oh my GOD I’m 10% of the way into the book and it’s been nothing but infodumping and people wittering on about taxation laws! The opening of fucking Lord of the Rings didn’t drag on this long! The only highlight is the bit where Cosmo warns someone to “Be careful with your phraseology”. Put the thesaurus down, cocktail-boy. Nobody’s impressed.

After even more dialogue that makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs, they finally decide to take it up with Caelum who’s “a reasonable man”. Lolno.

After that one of the Earls points out that Cosmo has been disinherited from the throne that should have been his, and the humans (apparently it’s illegal to call them “Acharites” any more by Caelum’s personal Sue-decree) have lost their “nationhood”. So therefore Cosmo should claim the throne back and Make Tencendor Great Again. Cosmo protests at first but then starts thinking it might not be such a bad idea. They keep blah-blahing about it for several more pages until Cosmo finally makes a military alliance and starts moving some troops around in preparation for the coup.

This cannot end well.

The next chapter is called “The SunSoars at Home”. Cute. Leagion is with Zenith and RiverStar, the latter of whom is preening in front of the mirror again. To her slight credit, Leagion has decided she can’t stand the bitch. It’s been two weeks since she’s come to Sigholt, and ever since she’s been waiting around for something to happen. She’s met Caelum in the meantime but he apparently gave her the cold shoulder, lovely guy that he is.

Meanwhile for the umpteenth time Leagion mentally whines about Cosmo and how can she live without him, baawww. Oh my god, who the fuck cares??

Cut to RiverStar’s POV, and her sole personality trait is pounded into our heads yet again as she’s thinking about how OMG Beautiful and sexy she is. She asks Zenith if she’s found a man yet, and the answer is no. RiverStar chooses to interpret this as slut shaming, because all she cares about is getting laid so therefore it’s just wrong that Zenith keeps waiting for “the right lover” despite being really hot. She then flips over into Queen Bitch mode, and pompously lectures Zenith and Leagion about how she can find them both a nice Icarii boyfriend each (because human guys suck, apparently), and then bragging about how she’s found herself the best lover so far, which she apparently does a lot. When asked who her new guy is she plays coy… badly, saying he’s an Enchanter with “unimaginable power”. Gosh, you mean he’s the only Enchanter to appear so far who’s ludicrously overpowered, in other words – duh – Caelum? Say it ain’t so! She then proceeds to over-share by going on about how sexy and “insatiable” he is while licking her lips.

Just in case you’re unclear on this, we’re not supposed to like RiverStar because she’s OMG Slutty.

Zenith quickly concludes that River must be screwing another SunSoar… but there’s nobody here who’s a SunSoar dude other than Caelum, and that’s “Forbidden” (yes of course it’s capitalised).

The bickering is interrupted by Drago, who’s still displaying Severus Snape levels of bitter sarcasm as he also slut-shames RiverStar. River responds with some classic “as you know bob-ing”, as she apparently feels the need to tell him about how his “blood order” was reversed by Azhure so he’d grow up to be a regular old human. I think he already knows that, River.

Drago reacts to this by calling her a whore and then ignoring her, but River then starts bullying him for not having any magic. What a lovely person. She keeps on with the taunting until he finally snaps and lashes out at her, which causes her to lose her temper and snarl at him. Yup, she’s Axis’ daughter all right. Zenith tells her to knock it the hell off and asks what Drago wants, and he says he’s been sent to get Leagion because Cosmo has finally arrived. Yay, I guess. I mean who wouldn’t be on the edge of their seat waiting to see these two cardboard cutouts do an even more boring re-enactment of the Axis/Faraday affair from book one? Expect lots of melodramatic weeping and descriptions of hair and dresses.

Comments

[ultimate_cheetah]

Apparently “power” is capable of feeling people up now, because that’s exactly what it does, and she thinks about how she always ends up begging on her knees while sobbing and screaming until he throws her down and gives it to her.

I really really hope this isn't the author's fetishes coming through.

...no relation to that pretentious prick from The Fault In Our Stars...

Another person who thinks that book is stupid. Finally.

[epistler]

I really really hope this isn't the author's fetishes coming through.

Prepare for even less erotic and way more uncomfortable sex later on. :/
Once this thing gets past the boring political bickering part, which it will very shortly, it then moves into the "becoming more and more incredibly fucked up" part. And NOT in a good way. I've already lost count of the number of trigger warnings I'm going to have to put up.

Another person who thinks that book is stupid. Finally.

Oh yeah. It's syrupy manipulative swill starring Mr and Mrs Insufferable.

[ultimate_cheetah]

Prepare for even less erotic and way more uncomfortable sex later on. :/

Oh dear fuck. I think that's a "yes" then.

Oh yeah. It's syrupy manipulative swill starring Mr and Mrs Insufferable.

The characters have no personality other than cancer. Also, remember when they kissed in the Anne Frank house and everyone cheered? Christ, have some respect! They justified it by saying "Anne wouldn't mind", but 1, they don't know that, and 2, she had other people hiding with her, who probably WOULD'VE minded.

[epistler]

Bringing Anne Frank/the Holocaust into your book like that is just about the most grotesquely disrespectful and insensitive things you could possibly do as a writer. What, did he think it made the story "deep" and "profound", just as he apparently thought writing about terminal cancer would automatically make the book in general "deep" and "profound"? It just comes off as so much clumsily manipulative swill.

[ultimate_cheetah]

It is. I mean, seriously, that is not something for cheap romantic drama. Christ.

What, did he think it made the story "deep" and "profound", just as he apparently thought writing about terminal cancer would automatically make the book in general "deep" and "profound"?

Christ, that whole book was terrible. I don't freaking know why they had a connection that was SOO GREAT that Augustus wanted to use his wish for Hazel. There's no reason for him to notice her at all. Or for her to notice him.