Chapter Three: Assault On Helgrind

[epistler]

And we couldn’t have opened with this because…?

Mind you, none of this has anything to do with the main storyline. Worse, all it ultimately does is derail everything for about the first third of this damn book. It needed to be woven in with the other events of the book, not jammed into the first couple of chapters and then wrapped up forever with no subsequent impact on anything. But that’s what this book ultimately is: a series of unrelated subplots jammed together willy-nilly. Remind me to make a list later.

Eragon gets up “fifteen minutes” before dawn. Why the fuck did we need to get an exact number? Come to that, why did we need to know Eragon snapped his fingers exactly twice to wake Roran up? Trick question – we didn’t.

OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 6

We also apparently needed to be told that they wrap up their bedding, after which they both get excited. Because lest we forget, they’re here not to rescue the girl but to make with the killing.

I note that neither of them spares a thought for the slaves.

In fact it just gets worse because Roran asks Eragon to take care of Katrina if he dies, and to make a point of telling her that he went into the fight joyfully. Yeah, that sounds like him right enough.

Eragon emotionlessly promises to do that, and then uses a spell that will protect them from the Razzle Dazzle paralysing breath weapon. Okay, when the fuck did he learn how to do that, and why is it so easy and only costs him a tiny bit of energy?

HOW THE FUCK CAN HE DO THAT?: 1

This just invalidates the whole “ooh the Razzle Dazzles are SO DANGEROUS” warbling right here and now if their most powerful weapon can be this easily neutralised. In fact it’s done so casually that as far as I know nobody’s even mentioned it in other sporks because most people probably didn’t even notice this one throwaway line is in here.

Also, why did Eragon wait until now to do this??

FUCKING WARDS: 3

Then we get a whole pile of pointless description of Eragon’s armour which he hasn’t cleaned since the battle because he doesn’t take care of his stuff. This goes on for an entire paragraph before we get another smaller paragraph about Roran’s own armour which he shouldn’t own and wouldn’t know how to use anyway. Paolini clearly has NO idea just how much armour changes the way you move. Has he ever worn a “mail shirt” in his life? Because I have, and that shit is heavy. Not “I cannot stand under my own power” heavy, but still heavy enough that it slows you down and makes it require more effort to move your arms around. You can’t just put this stuff on like it’s just a fresh shirt, and the same goes for the helmet. That thing is going to affect your range of vision. The armoured gloves are going to make your hands less dexterous. And so on.

OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 7

After that we get some crap about their weapons including Eragon’s bow, which is extra pointless as we will never see it again and also contains a continuity error.

In addition to twenty heavy oak arrows fletched with gray goose feathers…

Beside it lay a quiver of new arrows fletched with white swan feathers. ~Eldest, page 520

I can see why Paolini made a point of thanking his editors; they really pulled out all the stops on this one. All three of them.

Finally they get on Saphira’s back, leaving all their stuff behind which they will never bother to retrieve (unless Saphira grabs it on her way back without Eragon, but it’s never mentioned). We also get some more ridiculous imagery.

He clutched the neck spike in front of him—to steady himself during sudden changes in direction—while Roran hooked one thick arm around Eragon’s waist and brandished his hammer with the other.

Why TF is Roran waving his hammer around like this?! This is so idiotic. Even if they were about to be attacked in the air, the thing is going to be 100% useless. Even more so than Eragon’s sword was in the last book – lest we forget, the idiot cut himself out of the saddle and went skydiving to get at Thorn with it.

Saphira finally takes off and Eragon complains that Roran’s holding on too tight, in a grunt. Yeah, be gentle with me baby, I’m sore from last night!

Descriptions of Saphira flying, descriptions of the lake and Eragon having “hawklike” vision and no I will not just let that explain away all the exacting detail he was able to make out previously, in the dark no less.

Descriptions of the city, and then Eragon thinks about how somewhere around here is the campsite where the Razzle Dazzles killed Brom, which gets him all riled up to go fight them. No thoughts of Katrina’s safety, of course. He just wants to kill.

Saphira asks if they’ll need to keep their minds apart today and Eragon says no, not unless one of those all too convenient enemy spellcasters shows up. I’ve already been over how ridiculous this is. Saphira has no reaction. Instead we get a big purple description of the dawn and then another description of Helgrind and how OMG SCARY it is.

Eventually the three assholes discover that the slaves are gone. They have no reaction, of course. And I do mean none. Not so much as a flicker of pity. Instead Saphira just goes looking for the entrance. Why the hell did they not do this earlier?! And why is not thinking ahead and doing things in advance such a constant thing with these characters?

Another huge chunk of description of the mountain and Eragon uses a mind probe and finds the two people from yesterday are still in there, no trace of the slaves, and no trace of the Razzle Dazzles either. What he finds instead is a random flower – a gentian, in case you care. That’s a real mountain flower, and a very beautiful one too. I know that because there’s “a lovely bunch of blue gentians” in Heidi. I know, how random can you get? Then Saphira just finds the entrance by accident anyway and barges right in without a moment’s hesitation. Nice going, idiot.

Ah, and what have we here?

Eragon grimaced. It had never occurred to him that Galbatorix might have hidden the Ra’zac’s lair with magic. Idiot! I have to do better, he thought. Underestimating the king was a sure way to get them all killed.

Guess what Eragon is going to subsequently do?

No, not stop underestimating his enemies. Duh. He’s going to keep on making stupid mistakes, then think about what a stupid mistake that was and how he has to be more careful next time. Over and over again for the entire rest of the Cycle, after which Morontagh takes over from him in the “I must do better but actually won’t” department.

He and Roran get out of the saddle and we get a description of the Lethrblaka’s helicopter landing pad along with a bunch of other stuff that isn’t important.

Oh and the place stinks of rotting meat of course.

OH MY GOD I DON’T FUCKING CARE: 8

Then OMG A LETHRBLAKA! It gets a lot of description and then attacks Saphira. Well, at least this is one villain who doesn’t muck about. Eragon has to stop commentating at this point because he gets tossed aside. Well, for all of ten seconds before he starts back up again, anyway.

Well what d’you know. Barging straight in like that got them ambushed. Who could’ve seen that coming??

I’m so tired all of a sudden. So very, very tired. I need to go find Chinook and have a lie down.

The subsequent fight scene is just boring and there’s really not much further to say about it so I’ll keep it brief. It doesn’t work as an action scene because the pacing is hopelessly clogged up with even more description and Eragon somehow being able to just stand there coldly analysing everything. While majorly concussed, no less. He eventually (and eventually is the key word here) joins up with Roran to fight the Razzle Dazzles while Saphira deals with the Lethrblaka. Somehow Eragon is still able to describe what’s going on with Saphira in exacting detail. Meanwhile Roran is fighting a Razzle Dazzle who is unable to harm him and swears up a storm because… well, guess why.

FUCKING WARDS: 4

The Lethrblaka use their shrieky scream attack (but they’re totally not Fell Beasts, you guys) which Eragon has not warded them against because he’s a fucking idiot. Instead he just gets over it in half a second and starts chanting his useless death spells. Which do nothing. A Razzle Dazzle finally bothers to try and kill him, Eragon defeats it and it lands on its “hands and knees”. They have hands now?? I always pictured bug claws.

Predictably, Eragon finds the space to whinily think about how he needs a sword because if he had one now he’d have won more easily. Well who’s fault is it you don’t have a sword, dumbass?

Blah blah blah he duels the Razzle Dazzles two to one and somehow knows how to fight with a staff now because why the fuck not, and he never feels so alive as when he’s fighting. Because, you know, he hates fighting and killing. He eventually disarms one. Does he take the sword it dropped, now or ever? Hazard a guess.

The Razzle Dazzles run off. Predictably, Eragon and Roran’s first priority is to chase them down because “they’re getting away!” Oh no can’t have that. All enemies must be hunted down and slain or the victory doesn’t count!

The next bit follows the established pattern of everything being a list, and Eragon suddenly can’t see in the dark any more. So instead we get a bunch of crap about what he can hear, feel and smell. It’s a damn maze down there, don’t ask me what all this is even for. Saphira comes back bragging about how she’s now killed both Lethrblaka but oh no some lowly fishermen saw her and are heading back to shore. Enemy spawns have now been triggered and soon Eragon will be surrounded by guards yelling HALTHALTHALTHALT!

Eragon tells her to guard the entrance in case the Razzle Dazzles try to escape. Yeah, make note of that. They don’t want to let their enemy accept defeat and leave; it’s kill them or nothing, even though now they’re supposedly on a time limit before 1,000 “enemy spellcasters” plus Murtagh and Thorn instantly show up.

Eragon also makes a passing reference to “doomsday”, whatever the hell that means. If I didn’t know any better I’d suggest this is foreshadowing to the giant dragon thingy in Morontagh who’s going to eat the sun Fafnir style.

As it is, I know better.

Then he cops a poisoned arrow to the face which doesn’t matter, and now he bothers to cast a light spell which not only solves the being in the dark problem but also instantly disables both Razzle Dazzles, giving Roran the opportunity to bash one of them to death while yelling “noble” shit like “for my father!”

Eragon gets all frustrated because the other one escaped, and proceeds to hit the dead one with his staff before gloating that he’s been waiting to do that. What, abuse a corpse? What a lovely person he is.

This is Paolini’s idea of a “traditional fantasy hero”, apparently.

Eragon’s face wound starts bubbling because of the magic Acid Oil that was on the arrow but he just easily heals it because now he suddenly knows how to do that from his “training” even though it’s never been mentioned before.

HOW THE FUCK CAN HE DO THAT?: 2

With that over and done with and Saphira whining about how those fishermen will somehow be able to inform Galby in the next ten minutes and what if Galby scries Helgrind?!

So fucking what if he does? You can’t scry people you haven’t seen before, and Galby’s never seen any of these three idiots. And doesn’t Ergy have a scry-proof hammer necklace? Where the hell has that gone? I don’t think it ever even gets mentioned in this entire book.

Eragon finally directs Roran to Katrina’s cell door, and he immediately starts bashing it down without so much as bothering to call out to Katrina first, because Roran is a raging asshole. Eragon leaves him to it and goes and starts opening the other cells and for some damn reason they just… open when he touches them? It makes it sound like they’re enchanted to do that thanks to Paolini’s clunky word choice.

Surprise surprise, after finding the remains of previous prisoners he opens the door he’s really after and finds Sloan.

And the chapter cuts off there like this is some sort of huge screaming deal. Instead, the whole Sloan thing will ultimately go – you guessed it – absolutely nowhere. Well, unless you count Eragon turning into an evil, self-righteous little asshole. Even more so, I mean.

**~~essential story elements~~** : 12

At least I’m off the hook now.

God this chapter was boring. Paolini’s “style” has by this point in the game fully regressed to being so overdone, so forced in its attempts at being by turns grand and “intelligent” that it’s got not a drop of actual substance, excitement, or character left in it. Nobody even talks like a person any more, and we’re getting such ludicrous shit as a fight scene in which we apparently just have to know that the Razzle Dazzle tried to thrust its sword “between his liver and kidneys” like Eragon would even know that much about human anatomy, and as if that even matters in the first place. It’s like Paolini has become so obsessed with including every single detail that he can’t see the forest for the trees. The really over-described trees which keep getting compared to rocks.

Comments

[masterghandalf]

But that’s what this book ultimately is: a series of unrelated subplots jammed together willy-nilly. Remind me to make a list later.

Reminds me of why I decided not to spork the third volume of the Elminster prequel trilogy, The Temptation of Elminster - it's barely even a story, more a series of vignettes that take place in roughly the same part of Elminster's life (including the bit where he gets enslaved by a sexy bdsm sorceress for several chapters for totally necessary reasons). The other reason being that it takes place centuries after the previous two books and doesn't really have much to do with them.

Eragon gets up “fifteen minutes” before dawn. Why the fuck did we need to get an exact number?

More to the point... does Eragon have a watch?

I note that neither of them spares a thought for the slaves.


Of course not! We're here to rescue the person we know, duh! It's not like anyone else matters or anything! /s

Eragon emotionlessly promises to do that, and then uses a spell that will protect them from the Razzle Dazzle paralysing breath weapon. Okay, when the fuck did he learn how to do that, and why is it so easy and only costs him a tiny bit of energy?


I'm just reminded again that neither Ra'zac nor, iirc, Shades ever really come across as being nearly as scary as they're billed as, and how extremely underwhelming that is (but sadly common for bad writers who can't stand to let supposedly scary villains actually be a real problem for the "heroes").

Why TF is Roran waving his hammer around like this?! This is so idiotic.

Paolini thought it would look cool? *shrugs* Presumably not for intimidation, since the Ra'zac aren't supposed to know they're coming.

Eragon grimaced. It had never occurred to him that Galbatorix might have hidden the Ra’zac’s lair with magic. Idiot! I have to do better, he thought. Underestimating the king was a sure way to get them all killed.


...Galby is an incredibly powerful and skilled magic-user. The Ra'zac are, supposedly, some of his most powerful and valuable minions. You really ought to have considered the possibility he protected their lair with magic, in some way!

Well what d’you know. Barging straight in like that got them ambushed. Who could’ve seen that coming??


*facepalms* Because who needs a potentially tense and exciting infiltration scene or anything when you can just barge in the front door? /s

(but they’re totally not Fell Beasts, you guys)

Still better than Dennis L. McKiernan's Mithgar books, which literally do call the winged pterosaur-like creatures some of the bad guys use as scouts (and which some of the other bad guys can literally turn into) "fell beasts." Considering that, a., "fell beasts" aren't a standard-issue fantasy creature and b., Mithgar literally started as LotR fanfic that got doctored into being original fiction... eesh. And why keep that name, of all things? It always baffled me.

Eragon also makes a passing reference to “doomsday”, whatever the hell that means. If I didn’t know any better I’d suggest this is foreshadowing to the giant dragon thingy in Morontagh who’s going to eat the sun Fafnir style.


Maybe if Paolini had actually bothered to develop any of the religions in Alagaesia (other than the dwarf stuff, at least) we might have some idea of what sorts of things they associate with the end of the world!

So fucking what if he does? You can’t scry people you haven’t seen before, and Galby’s never seen any of these three idiots. And doesn’t Ergy have a scry-proof hammer necklace? Where the hell has that gone? I don’t think it ever even gets mentioned in this entire book.


...you know, way back when I first read Eragon and Eldest I thought that Paolini made scrying magic in this setting so limited as to be almost worthless, and wondered why he bothered including it at all.

God this chapter was boring. Paolini’s “style” has by this point in the game fully regressed to being so overdone, so forced in its attempts at being by turns grand and “intelligent” that it’s got not a drop of actual substance, excitement, or character left in it. Nobody even talks like a person any more, and we’re getting such ludicrous shit as a fight scene in which we apparently just have to know that the Razzle Dazzle tried to thrust its sword “between his liver and kidneys” like Eragon would even know that much about human anatomy, and as if that even matters in the first place. It’s like Paolini has become so obsessed with including every single detail that he can’t see the forest for the trees. The really over-described trees which keep getting compared to rocks.


I also can't help but feel like the split of the last book into the last two books really hurt this sequence. Like, when it was one book, this would have been, again, the equivalent of the Jabba's Palace sequence, where we get our heroes infiltrating the lair of and defeating a significant supporting villain to open the final act and let us see how far they've come. After the book was split, though, it ends up basically smack in the middle of the series instead of closer to the end, which both screws with the overall pacing and makes the defeat of the Ra'zac, who've been some of the most prominent baddies in the series going back to Eragon, feel very random and anticlimactic, and makes the Ra'zac themselves feel like less of an important deal than they should and more like a weird distraction from the main plot (the problems with the scene itself, of course, only add to that).

[torylltales]

Eragon gets up “fifteen minutes” before dawn. Why the fuck did we need to get an exact number?

How does a pre-clockwork farmhand with no candles and no sun movement to measure, judge anything in 15-minute increments? How can he possibly be (or need to be) more accurate than "a short while"?

Or, for a character who actually paid attention to his teachers, maybe all that elf-yoga in the previous book taught him to count his breaths, so he measures time in terms of the number of breaths taken? Saying "he woke up 182 breaths before the first peek of sunrise" would at least be an interesting bit of character colour, and would show how his Rider training has changed the way he thinks into something slightly non-human.

It's almost 1am, so I'll be back in the morning with more comments.