Eldest Spork Parts Twenty-Six and Twenty-Seven

[epistler]

Part Twenty-Six: The Whinewood City

We’re now 207 pages in, and Eragon still hasn’t reached his destination. Or done anything at all very much. And in this chapter – HE’S STILL TRAVELING OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

What’s that? Oh yes, I would like a glass of water – thanks.

Blah blah blah descriptions of the forest and what Eragon thinks about it. Blah blah blah it rains, some of the trees are more than two hundred feet tall and seventy feet wide, is that even possible? Are we in California redwood territory or beyond it? Arya says this means they’re near off-brand Lothlorien, and how the giant trees are super duper old and important, so on and so forth. She tells Eragon that they’ve come a long way together (I know; I was forced to sit through all of it in agonising detail), and how he’s about to enter her world and has to “tread softly”, and nothing “is as it seems” (I refuse to use the word “naught”, as Arya does here). The first part just makes her look like a hypocrite again, considering how little respect she has for other people’s important spaces, and the latter will soon be exposed as nonsense.

After even more descriptions of trees they meet up with Gandalf the White – uh, I mean an elf wearing “robes”, with an “old, noble and serene” face. So nothing at all like Gandalf when he revealed himself after being melodramatically Deus Ex Machina’d back to life and given a power-up. Cough.

Eragon is instructed to show off his palm and Brom’s ring, which he does, and Gandalf makes a gesture of welcome and then says and does nothing.

Saphira asks who the hell he is, and Arya says he’s “Gilderien the Wise, Prince of House Miolandra, weilder of the White Flame of Vandil”. Except later on we're informed that Arya isn't a princess despite being the Queen's daughter and in fact the elves have no word for it, so how come they have princes? Bah.

If only he’d completed the plagiarism by telling Ergy he shall not pass. Instead he’s a completely useless character who will never get any lines or play any role in the story whatsoever. He’s just kind of… there. Being useless and stolen.

Look, if you’re going to swipe someone else’s character wholesale and then not do anything with them, why are you even bothering?

Finally they go into the city proper, which is full of beautiful flowers because of course it is, and also features a “chuckling” stream which is apparently hiding behind some bushes. Woah dude, that stream is totally a Peeping Tom.

Ergs realises that the trees he’s looking at are actually buildings. Or have buildings growing out of them.

So basically the elves are parasitic wasps.

Cue detailed descriptions of a few of the elf houses, which just sound weird, and we’re informed that the elves have chosen to “adapt themselves” to their environment instead of mastering it.

Uh, no they haven’t. Okay they didn’t chop the trees down, but they still fucked around with them using magic. They’re still interfering with the life cycles of the plants and animals, and if they do this every year as Arya claimed then they’ve massively altered the environment. And as far as I can tell they haven’t changed themselves in the slightest, and certainly not to make themselves more environmentally friendly.

Paolini has no freaking idea what he’s talking about.

The elves finally emerge, and apparently they have almonds for eyes. Paolini waxes lyrical about how beautiful all the women are and how they have long black or silver hair with flowers in it, and how the men are all Legolas clones with high cheekbones.

Again, if every elf looks exactly the way they want to, why do they all look the freaking same? And why do they all apparently have the exact same definition of beauty?

For example, in the real world people's idea of beauty ranges anywhere from this:



To this:

 

Well, I guess at least if you’re a trans elf it’ll be really easy to make yourself look like the gender you identify with oh wait trans people don’t exist in Alaglag never mind.

Anyway, so the elves all bow and then start laughing and smiling like idiots. All of them. They’re even described as moving “as one”. Yup, this is officially a city populated by clones. And apparently they’re all Stepford Wives as well.
 

God this is creepy.

One of them starts singing, because of course she does, and we learn that, far from living in Perfect Harmony With Nature, the elves have “cobblestone paths”. With bits of gemstone in them. How could you?! You’ve covered up earth where grass and flowers and shrubs should have been growing! Have you no respect for Mother Nature at all?!

The elves run around dancing like morons while Sue praising Saphira with stupid titles like “Longclaws” and “Daughter of Air and Fire”. Eragon, being the self-insert, instantly loves the place and think he’d like to live there. Not me; it sounds... actually kind of terrifying.

Along the way Arya tells Eragon that the elves “sing” the trees into shape and that “all our buildings and tools are made in that manner”. Wait, so all their tools are made of wood? What about the metal stuff? Do they “sing” their weapons as well?

You’ve got to watch out for the word “all”. It can get you into all kinds of trouble.

Anyway, so on page 211 of a 635 page book – in other words, we’re now about a quarter of the way in – Ergs enters a big fancy hall made out of lots of trees melded together (again, interfering with God’s Creation like a bunch of evil land developers), where there are “four-and-twenty elf lords and ladies”.

How does Eragon know they’re lords and ladies? He just does. Somehow. Naturally all of them are “wise and handsome”, even Urgo the Eternally Ugly, who I’m positive is in there somewhere, plotting with the stolen Eldunari in his pocket. All of them have fancy jewelled swords and crowns, and with them is Queen Islanzadi. Again, how the fuck does Eragon know who she is without an introduction?

Instead we just get an infodump about how OMG Beautiful she is. Apparently she has the same infamous slanted eyebrows as Arya – which Paolini compares to bird wings – red lips – which he compares to holly berries – black hair – which is “midnight”, naturally – and a diamond crown. Where did the elves get all these gemstones from anyway? Do they just find them lying on the ground? Or god forbid, do they have mines, thereby violating Mother Nature’s sacred flesh?! You monsters!

Also, apparently the elves have access to L'Oréal’s finest wares, since clearly the Queen is wearing lipstick here.

Oh yeah, spoilers – us women don’t naturally have bright red lips. Shocking, I know.

Ergs thinks the Queen “seems fragile”. In what way does she seem fragile? Who knows, and who cares!

Oh, and she also has a white raven with her who will not be doing anything useful in this series. And also the description is choppy and disjointed as hell.

Everyone bows to Her Maj, and then Izzy comes down off the throne and speaks in “a rich vibrato”, and then – OMG NO WAY! – gives Arya a big hug and reveals that they’re mother and daughter.

You mean the beautiful woman working with the scrappy underdog rebellion who got caught by the evil Empire carrying an important MacGuffin and then had to be rescued by the naïve hero and his roguish friend is a princess? Who fucking knew?

It’s the plot twist of the century! Authors of the world – pack up your pretentious typewriters and go home! No-one will ever top the “Love Interest #678,000 Is Secretly A Princess” reveal! The fantasy genre is officially finished forever!

Have I piled on enough sarcasm now? I hope so because this is the end of the chapter.

 

Part Twenty-Seven: Queen No-Man-Is-An-Islandzadi

The chapter opens immediately where the last one cut off, now we’ve all had time to recover from the most shocking plot twist in literary history. Paolini pointlessly recaps where we are, and Eragon immediately starts thinking about how now it’s going to be even harder to get in Arya’s pants. Selfish as always, I see.

Meanwhile Arya is being snotty, and Queen Izzy starts dramatically whining about how she’s been so miserable since Arya disappeared… but apparently not miserable or worried enough to actually do something about it, naturally. She adds that she shouldn’t have cut Arya off – no explanation as to why she actually did that in the first place – and Arya answers that it’s been a long time since they saw each other and that she can’t forget what she’s been through, boohoo. Izzy begs to be forgiven, when we still don’t know what the point of them falling out in the first place was (…and we never will), and Arya says okay. Thus ending this pointless subplot which will never be mentioned again.

Then the raven suddenly starts ripping off Poe, except that Poe actually made sense.

Seriously, what the hell does “let us never do but to adore” even mean? It doesn’t even flow properly. Izzy tells him to shut up. Thankyou, Izzy.

After that Ergs and Saphira introduce themselves, and Izzy immediately Sue praises Ergs for having  “a powerful name”, which they rarely give their children.

Yeah, that’s why Alexander is such a rare name in the real world, since Alexander the Great was so powerful and important. Who’d want to name their kid after that guy, amirite? Seriously, look at all the most common boy’s names in the West. Matthew, James, John, Mark, David, Peter – all names of Biblical heroes. Look at all those guys in the Middle East named Mohammed (boy must that get confusing. Imagine being in a club in Saudi Arabia and yelling “hey, Mohammed!” and like fifteen guys turn around and say “yes?”. Moving on…).

“Eragon” should be one of the most common names in Arglebarg. It shouldn’t be rare and special.

Anyway, so then Izzy greets Orik, which we don’t actually get to see because fuck him I guess, and then goes back to giving all her attention to Ergs, asking to hear his story. He tells it, fortunately not in real time, and gives Izzy the letter from Nasuada. Izzy reads it, and then whines about how she shouldn’t have pulled her fighters out and ignored Ajihad after hearing that Arya was captured. She also calls herself an idiot, and I agree.

Ergs asks if she’ll please stop being useless now, and she says yeah whatever dude and then asks to see his ring. (No, not that ring. Pervs). She tells him he shouldn’t have been wearing it, but then just gives it back anyway and – groan – names him “Elf Friend”. Geez, Bilbo Baggins had to face down a dragon and the Goblin King, defeat Gollum, stand up to Thorin Oakenshield and help to end a civil war before he was named “Elf Friend”. All Ergs had to do was show up.  And he didn’t even rescue Arya himself, but you’ll never hear anyone call Murtagh “Elf Friend”. Or Saphira either for that matter. Hogging all the credit as usual, I see.

Next Ergs asks about his training, and Izzy answers that it’ll probably be pointless since he’s got the Shade’s curse on him, and unless he can “overcome” it, he’ll just be a figurehead.

First of all, the curse hardly ever does anything, and second, Ergy will not so much as try to “overcome” the magic supposedly causing it. Instead he’ll just spend the next six thousand chapters whining about it until it’s conveniently taken away free of charge. And nor will anyone else try to remove it. This could have been an important quest for healing and finding the strength to overcome his problems, but it won’t. Instead it’s due to go precisely nowhere.

After that Izzy has a brief word with Orik, and then asks Arya to tell her story.

You know, about how she was tortured.

In front of everyone.

And Arya… is okay with this?

Apparently so, because she lays it all out in detail, and doesn’t panic or cry or anything else so disturbingly realistic. In fact, nobody cries. Ergs just gets angry, and Izzy sheds – say it with me – a single tear.

A random unnamed elf lord makes a little speech about how they’re all super sorry for her, and it’s “a crime beyond apology”. Yeah, because nobody ever tortures enemy prisoners for information in wartime unless they’re eeeevil! Oh wait, Nas has people tortured and their heads put on spikes and nobody objects to this.

Arya remains completely emotionless.

And then everyone forgets all about it for the rest of the series bar one token scene in the next book.

Right.

Izzy suddenly declares that it’s time for – what else – a feast. She also uses wordless magic to… make flowers fall out of the sky like confetti. Isn’t wordless magic supposed to be, like, really dangerous? And yet this idiot is using it for something completely frivolous? Either plot hole or Izzy is just stupid. Possibly both.

Anyway, one of the elves Ergy arrived with says they’re going to “open our finest casks and light the cook-fires”. So in other words the elves cut wood out of trees to make barrels, thereby defiling Nature (even if it’s dead, the woodworms and termites and centipedes still need a home!), and they burn wood, which pollutes the atmosphere. For shame! Your misdeeds make Baby Gaia cry!

(I’m having way too much fun with this).

Ergy and Saphira then make the shockingly obvious conclusion that the dead elf King Evander must have been Arya’s dad, so therefore Galby or the Forsworn killed her father. No way!

But never mind all that! It’s feast time! The elves have tables and chairs – more defiling the trees by making them into furniture! – and Eragon gets given a cup of Reverse Booze. Why is it Reverse Booze? Because it looks like booze and tastes like booze, but instead of making you sleepy it gives you energy. So… it’s an energy drink? Supposedly you can travel on it for days, so it’s also a Lembas Bread ripoff.

Izzy brings in some musicians, who start performing a song about a stag being annoyed by a magpie, and fortunately we’re not obliged to read the lyrics. Ergy spots a little girl with white hair and an old face, and sharp teeth. Creepy.

Naturally he thinks nothing about it and instead watches everyone Sue praise Saphira. He gets annoyed that she’s getting attention for once instead of him, then realises he’s gotten used to being the centre of attention all the time, a moment of self-awareness which is not due to last. Then the food comes out, so of course we get lots of descriptions of that, and Ergy notices that once again there’s no meat, which he finds weird because among humans meat is a status food. Is that why he’s so obsessed with it, then? He doesn’t want people to think he’s poor? (Which he is. Even now he only has a few basic personal possessions and no house or money).

The celebrations go on for a while, and eventually Ergy has a chat with Arya. She tells him nobody outside Elfland knew she was a princess because apparently she didn’t want to be bothered about it. When he whines that she could have told him and Saphira she essentially says that it was none of his goddamn business, which finally puts the nosy little brat in his place. (For the time being, anyway).

Then Blagden shows up and recites a stupid little rhyme making fun of Saphira, which shocks everyone. Izzy says he’s always had “a saucy tongue”. Oh, and she uses the word “ever” instead of “always” because of course she does. Somewhere Tolkien is rolling in his grave.

Arya then tells the bird’s backstory: supposedly he attacked an urgal for no reason back in the day, which saved her father’s life, so Daddy rewarded him with intelligence and an extended lifespan.

I have a question – if it’s possible to extend a raven’s lifespan - apparently by a lot - with magic, then why doesn’t anyone do this with other people? If a Rider falls in love with a human, why not use a spell to keep them around, and then keep renewing that spell, effectively making them immortal?

Needless to say, this will never be explored, and indeed Ergy whines about how it's impossible in the next book.

Neither is it ever explained how the spell somehow turned the raven white and gave him the gift of prophecy.

That… doesn’t…make…any… sense.

Look, either magic is mysterious and unpredictable, or it’s as precise and exacting as a legal document. You can’t have it both ways.

The party ends, and on the way out Ergy bumps into the child-sized old woman, who he correctly guesses is a werecat. Turns out she knows Serious Ass, and like him she’s apparently fond of the sound of her own voice, because when Ergy asks what her name is she gives a long and pompous reply about how the elves call her “The Watcher” and “Quickpaw” and “The Dream Dancer”. Oh barf. But she prefers “Maud”.

This character will never be important, by the way. In fact I don’t think she even gets any more lines.

Then Izzy shows Ergs his new digs, which are of course inside a tree. Supposedly it used to be reserved for the leader of the Riders and now it’s Eragon’s because “you are the rightful heir to that title… It is your inheritance”. Title drop! Also once again Ergs gets the special privileges and positions just by virtue of existing, which would be okay if he actually had any reaction to it, but he doesn’t. He just accepts it as his due.

He goes inside and we get a big description of the place, which is basically a mansion complete with a big dining room and a dragon bed which sounds like a giant kitty basket (seriously). It’s described as “austere”, but it’s got all the mod cons including what’s clearly a bath, so when Eragon the dirt poor peasant boy who supposedly lived in a hovel calls it “simple” he comes across as breathtakingly entitled. He should be staring in awe, unable to believe that he gets all this to himself, and even embarrassed at having had it all handed to him for free.

I’ll give you a real life example. I grew up, not exactly poor, but definitely not rich. I was always taught to save money, to never waste anything, and not to expect special privileges. The house had neither heating nor airconditioning – if it was too hot to sleep at night, you just had to put up with it. If the couch had a hole in it, too bad. That’s the only couch we’ve got.

To this day, luxury makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like being pampered, or having things done for me when I can do them myself. And I think that’s how most people with a lower middle class upbringing would react.

As such Eragon, who supposedly grew up desperately poor to the point where the family was supposedly at risk of starvation, doesn’t come off as an actual poor person. He comes off like someone who grew up in the lap of privilege and has never actually had it rough a day in his spoiled, cosseted little life.

I’ll give you a hint: poor people don’t whine about not getting steak for dinner.

 This thing even has window blinds, FFS.

Ergy unpacks his stuff – and apparently there’s room for Saphira in here… somehow. How big is she supposed to be right now anyway? Oh, and we also learn that Ergy was apparently wearing chain mail at the feast, because he takes it off now. What, he didn’t get to change out of his grubby traveling clothes before taking tea with the Queen?

While sitting around shirtles (…ladies. And gay guys) Eragon makes the “bemused” remark that they made it. Yeah, I’m amazed too. Amazed nobody died of old age, that is. Saphira adds that they were lucky not to have any troubles along the way. Well if nothing went wrong why did we have to hear about it?! Nothing going wrong means there’s no tension and therefore no suspense, so why the hell should we care?! 

Then Ergy asks Saphira what she thinks about the whole Princess Arya thing, whereupon she rests her head “on her two front feet”. Oh, she has two front feet, does she? And there I was imagining her with six of them.

Eragon gets into his big fancy bed, then realises it used to be Vrael’s. In a nice moment he decides he can’t deal with that, so he gets up and crawls into bed with Saphira instead. That sounds pretty uncomfortable, but it is nice, and makes him seem more human and less overweeningly arrogant, and also like he actually cares about Saphira.

The brain bleed hasn’t quite finished doing its damage.

Yet.

Comments

[ultramega10]

This chapter could have worked.

And I'm going to list off the ways it could have. First, when Eragon arrives in elfland, he is disturbed by how different everything is. It comes off as the uncanny valley to him, and he doesn't like it one bit. That would add some tension to the scene, since we now have conflict.

Then when Arya meets with her mother, we could have Arya snap and call out her Mother for doing nothing while she was imprisoned. Arya is majorly pissed off for the elves for abandoning things and only gets angrier because of the apparent lack of reaction. She would not forgive the Queen immediately and we were set up a plotline for later.

A later conversation would have Arya reveal that her time among humans has made her become very different from the other elves. She also reveals that since the elves retreated into the forests they've become stagnant. Arya would then reveal that she was slated to become a Dragon Rider, and really wanted to try touching one of the eggs. But Galbatorix ruined everything with his war.

Finally, Eragon would be shown to his new quarters. Rather than accepting them without reaction, Eragon would feel almost scandalized at his royal treatment. He would feel like he has not done anything to earn all this. This would make him more likeable.

I would also have Eragon put his foot in his mouth during the feat by asking about meat. When one of the other elves is scornful {probably Vanir.} Arya would ask why killing an animal is any different from killing a plant. Arya believes that nature is not a harmony, but an endless struggle. And therefore that the elves attempts to create a sort of harmony are the unnatural element.

This reveals that Arya overall rejects the common elven viewpoint. It would also set up Eragon's rivalry with Vanir ahead of time.

Bam. Done. This chapter serves a purpose, sets up several subplots which might make this plotline interesting, and establishes Eragon's main antagonist.

Anyway, this is just me brainstorming.

[(Anonymous)]

This series could've just as easily been named "Lost Potential Cycle". Moments set up, then he either hangs about too long on a scene or he squanders it.

[epistler]

This reveals that Arya overall rejects the common elven viewpoint. It would also set up Eragon's rivalry with Vanir ahead of time.

Plus it would explain why the hell the "vegan" elf princess is strutting around wearing leather.

I think your ideas here really highlight a major problem in the series, which is that nobody has any (convincing) interpersonal conflict with the other characters. Either the other character they clash with is an obvious villain, or the lesser Sue instantly caves and apologises and the disagreement is forgotten forever with no lingering resentment - see Roran magically losing interest in the whole Sloan thing in the next book because Eragon told him to drop it in the most suspicious manner possible.

[torylltales]

I really like these changes. Small details that make a huge difference.

[epistler]

I really love how creative the members of this comm are. <3