Eldest Spork Parts Thirty-Six and Thirty-Seven

[epistler]

Part Thirty-Six: My Patience Hangs By A Thread

The next chapter continues where the last one left off, with Nas still throwing a tantrum. She storms into her room like a melodramatic teenager, and then mentally whines about how the situation is impossible and she’s failed, wah wah. Yes. You failed because you didn’t put in any effort, instead instantly deciding it was too hard because someone else refused to fix it for you.

I’m reminded of a quote from Little Miss Sunshine: “You know what a real loser is? A real loser is someone who’s so scared of not winning that they don’t even try.”

Nausea is a loser. In fact, all the protagonists with the (borderline) exception of Roran are losers. When nobody hands them an instant solution to their problems, they immediately throw in the towel and then sit around throwing themselves a pity party about how unfair it all is.

This is how a spoiled child behaves, not a worldly wise warrior/military commander.

But that’s okay, because though Orrin refused to hand Nas a free solution, the author now does it for her instead. Her dress has started to disintegrate thanks to the chemical that was spilled on it. See, this is why you’re supposed to wear a lab coat and safety goggles. She takes it off in a hurry, though there’s no sense that she’s actually feeling any urgency to do it, and then mopes about how it was her nicest dress and now what is she going to wear. Her handmaid, who previously was shown acting like a teenager, suddenly becomes an “older woman” who gives her some sage advice and acts like a mother figure. Well that was right out of nowhere.

The two of them start removing the sleeves from the damaged dress, and Nas accidentally damages some “bobbin lace”. This causes her to have another whinefest about how awful everything is. Nas, are you PMSing or something? I mean really.

(Yes, PMS is a thing. Yes it can cause you to randomly overreact and burst into tears over nothing. It’s annoying as hell).

Nas has an idea and sends the maid to get Trianna the evil slutty sorceress. While she waits she thinks about how unfair magic is and how impossible to police, and how Galby is causing “all this pain and destruction” with his magic. What pain and destruction? She decides that for the time being she’s going to make nice with the magic users, then find a way to deal with them once the war is over. Yeah, by forcing them to live in their own personal police state which neither Eragon nor Arya, or Murtagh, or any of the elves are obliged to put up with. I predict maybe two or three years at best before they band together and dispose of you, Nausea.

Trianna shows up, and apparently she looks like she’s just been “roused from bed”. Given that this is the middle of the day, I’m getting the impression this was to imply that she was off having sex with someone like the awful Slutty McSlutSlut she is. *eyeroll*

She bows “in the dwarven fashion”, whatever the hell that means, and Nas questions her about how magic works. Finally she asks if it can be used to make lace. As you would expect Trianna takes this as an insult and sneeringly points out that magic is for more dignified things than fixing someone’s pretty dress. Nas tells her to shut up, and then starts banging on about how she’s not “a child to be patronised.”

No, Nas. She was not patronising you. You insulted her art and she reacted accordingly. Also, no matter what age you are, respect is something you earn. So far you’ve done nothing to earn anybody’s respect. Indeed you’ve done the exact opposite. Still get over yourself, Nausea.
 

Anyway, so she explains that she wants the entire magic user club to be assigned to making cheap lace using magic, and when she suggests that maybe Trianna’s not good enough with magic to pull that off the stupid reverse psychology instantly works and even makes the daft woman toss her hair like someone out of a teen rom com. It’s so cheesy.

And just like that she’s completely fallen into line and for the rest of the conversation it’s all “yes my Lady, right away my Lady”. Nas sends her away suitably deprived of her metaphorical balls, and then congratulates herself for her amazing achievement.

Yeah, forcing your magic users to become lacemakers. That’s definitely something to be proud of. Don’t get me wrong; it’s definitely thinking outside the box. But it’s still really silly.

 

Chapter Thirty-Seven: In Which Paolini Rips off Dune. Again.

In the next chapter we’re still with Nausea. Lucky us. Jordan has just shown up, saying a nameless kid told him Nas should go see the baby Eragon blessed. Seems legit. According to Jordan the baby is “different”. (And how.) Nas heads off with him to see the baby, and along the way she bitches about the heat for about the third time since we entered her POV… but she deals with it better than most “because of her swarthy skin”.
 

I can’t believe Paolini seriously put that in there. Well okay, I can, but I can’t believe the editor didn’t take it out again. I mean really.

This goes on for at least two pages, by the way, and Nas makes a reference to “ninepins”. What, as in bowling? They have bowling alleys now?

Finally they get to the door of the room where the kid is, where people have left presents, don't ask me why. Jordan knocks, but for some reason they have to answer a secret code thingy to get in. What the hell for?

Nas goes inside, and for no reason the place is draped with cloth and has had most of the furniture removed. Again, what the hell for? Inside is a stereotypical “crone”, also – ugh – Angela and Serious Ass. Also there’s a little girl.

Basically, it’s Alia from Dune: creepy purple eyes, pale skin, and for some damn reason she talks with the voice of an adult.

I hate to break it to you, but the reason why adults have deeper voices than children is because the voicebox changes during puberty. As in physically changes. If she’s physically a child, it is not anatomically possible for her to have the voice of a grown woman. And yes, girl's voices change too as they get older. I used to be a soprano capable of singing insanely high notes, but I lost that ability during the teen years as I entered womanhood.

Anyway, so the kid, Elva, is all creepy and knowing and has “ghastly eyes”. See? She’s already being portrayed as a villain. For absolutely no reason she has the power to see into Nas’ mind and perceive her secret fears and insecurities. What the blazes does that have to do with being “a shield against misfortune”? She tells Nas exactly what she needs to hear. Again, what does that have to do with being a shield against misfortune?

Nas asks the kid “What are you?” and Elva explains that thanks to the blessing every time she sees someone she senses “all the hurts that beset him and are about to beset him”, and she somehow chose to grow bigger so she could act on it.

Where the hell is all that magical energy coming from?! Why isn’t Eragon being drained by it, since he cast the spell? He isn’t feeling anything. Nor did casting the initial spell cost him anything. Elva shouldn’t exist. At best, the spell should have done nothing.

But nope, we gotta have our Dune ripoff. Nas, unsympathetic as always, starts to feel sorry for the kid “against her better judgement”. Even though Elva just told her she suffers other people’s pain, constantly. Yeah, that’s not something you should feel sad about or anything. Asshole.

Anyway, so Elva says she can’t stand the whole war business and wants Nas to end it ASAP. Even though there’s no active fighting going on right now, and especially not in her immediate vicinity.

The “crone” shows up with some food which Elva starts shoving down without “decorum”. You know, like any three year old would do. You ain’t special, Evie.

Exhibit B as to why kids are totally gross and you shouldn't have any.

Nas sneaks off “leaving the pale girl sitting alone in the center of the dark, cloth-bound room, like a dire fetus nestled in its womb”.  

No. Just… no. Never use that comparison again, Pao.

Angela comes out and says all the kid does is eat, and apparently no amount of food is enough. Well if that’s so, why isn’t she also constantly shitting and why hasn’t she become morbidly obese? If it’s being used to fuel her magic which comes from nowhere, why doesn’t Eragon need to eat ridiculous amounts too? Or indeed, any other magic user? Elva’s entire deal is 100% plot hole.

Nas angsts about how “horrible” Elva’s eyes are, and asks Angela if this has ever happened before. Of course the answer is no, because Eragon is Just That Special. Nas then entertains lovely thoughts about how this poor bloody handicapped infant “could be a potent weapon if she were applied correctly”.

Nausea, Elva is a human being. She’s not an tool to be used, even if she did offer to lend a hand. Note that she doesn’t think of it in terms of asking the kid to help either. Instead she just wants to use her, her personal wishes be damned, and use her to manipulate and snoop on other people, no less. God Nas is an awful person.

She then thinks about how Elva needs to be kept an eye on, and immediately decides against Trianna. What, you mean the woman who is specifically under your command and who just accepted a demeaning job because you asked her to, with only one token protest? Yeah, you definitely can’t trust her. But you totally can trust Angela, who isn’t under your command, whose motivations are sketchy at best, and about whom you just openly admitted you know nothing.

Idiot.

She offers Angela the job anyway, and Angela promises to “keep two eyes on her, if I can spare them”. And then Gandalf comes in and blasts her into smithereens for stealing his line.

If only.

She adds that “I relish the opportunity to study her”.

ELVA IS A HUMAN BEING. SHE’S A BABY. SHE’S NOT A WEAPON OR A LAB RAT. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

And then Angela tries to be “funny” again, god help us. Go die, please.

End chapter.

Comments

[ultramega10]

Now here is a riddle to guess if you can sing the bells of Notre Dam. Who is the monster and who is the maaaan...

Sing the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, beeells of Notre Dam.



Okay, I'm done, but the comparison wasn't made idly. Elva is, in a sense, deformed thanks to circumstances beyond her control, like Quasimodo. Nasuada is a self-righteous individual who regards her as nothing more than a tool and has no sympathy for her, like Frollo.

On that note, this chapter is legitimately sickening.

Up until now, they've been boring, badly paced, and low quality. But this chapter makes me legitimately angry. Nasuada is treating a tortured infant as though she is nothing more than a tool to be used and disposed of. Paolini should have used Elva's curse to create a sense of tragedy. But instead, he uses it to dehumanize her.

What's worse is that this storyline never has any weight. So much so that I honestly forgot it happened in my rewrite. Just like I forgot about Roran and Nasuada's subplots. Not that this storyline couldn't have worked. It could have been used to force Eragon to mature and confront the fact that he is not a god. It would bring a harsh end to the ego trip he's been on ever since Ellemsera.

But that's really the critical thing, isn't it? Elva represents Eragon making a mistake. A massive mistake created by his arrogance and conceited nature. She is absolute proof that he is not a messiah, not perfect. Since Eragon has to be perfect, Paolini does everything he can to make Elva into the other.

Elva is dehumanized because by turning her into the other she makes Eragon not guilty of doing anything bad.

[epistler]

Paolini has repeatedly demonstrated that he has absolutely no sympathy for the handicapped and the mentally ill, intentionally or not, and this is a prime example of it. Elva is in constant mental anguish, but hell if he cares - she's just a freak who needs to step in line and serve the protagonists' interests or else be branded a villain.

I share your disgust. Nausea is a truly despicable person.

[torylltales]

"remember what I taught you, [Elva]. You are deformed"
"I am deformed"
"And you are ugly"
"And I am ugly"
"And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity! I am your only friend"
"You are my one defender..."

The difference is, Quasi is presented from his own perspective, as a person to be pitied; whereas Elva is presented from Frollo's (Nasuada's) perspective, as a monstrous Other to be feared and/or used for their own benefit.

Eragon and Nasuada are the Frollo of the books. Not a good look for them.

[epistler]

And this is why we keep saying the supposed heroes lack empathy. Because they do. None of them seem at all capable of putting themselves in someone else's shoes, and even less so when the other person isn't giving them what they want. One of the few ways Eragon differs from Luke Skywalker is that he wouldn't have tried to redeem Darth Vader, or even recognised that there was still some good in him.

[torylltales]

Oh, another good line from Disney's Frollo:

"Even this foul creature
May yet one day prove to be
Of use to me."

Which perfectly mirrors the attitude of Nasuada and Eragon et al that Elva is a tool to be used for their benefit, not an innocent child burdened with a terrible curse.

What's worse, Elva's carer/foster mom(?) Doesn't even get a word in edgewise. Compare it to McGonagall in Goblet of Fire: "Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!"

[vorpaltongue]

Elva’s entire deal is 100% plot hole.

I'm under the impression that scar Saphira shnozzed onto her is supposed to have something to do with it, which is why Elva hasn't exploded yet. Probably also why Ergs hasn't felt a thing since.

The real question is why isn't Elva stark raving mad at this point? Is her "blessing" keeping her sane so she can do her job?

[epistler]

That's a very nice new avatar ya got there. ;-)

The real question is why isn't Elva stark raving mad at this point? Is her "blessing" keeping her sane so she can do her job?

Quite frankly given the life of utter misery she leads I have no idea why she hasn't committed suicide. It must be because she's "evil".

[vorpaltongue]

That's a very nice new avatar ya got there. ;-)

Why, thanky very much, MiLadybus!

It must be because she's "evil".

Or because the curse stops her from killing herself (either because she can't harm herself, or because she's compelled to "defend" people). Which I don't think I realized I believed until now.

[epistler]

Or because the curse stops her from killing herself

Or because Paolini has no idea how suffering actually works.

[vorpaltongue]

Or because Paolini simply can't write if reality barges in waving its dick in his face.

Consider "may you be a shield from pain". It doesn't specify anything beyond that. Whether it's emotional or physical pain, whether it's self inflicted, from accidents, or even if it's people or animals being hurt.

She should probably be dead just from shock.

[torylltales]

The actual word is "misfortune", not just "pain", which is so subjective and can be interpreted so widely and conflictingly that she should disintegrate from paradox.

[vorpaltongue]

Firstly, I ought to have checked that. Secondly, the curse itself needs a mini-spork at this point.

[epistler]

Oh yeah, you can straight-up DIE from pain. That's how the male platypus does people in (yes, over here even the cute little duck beaver is venomous). The sting is so incredibly painful it can send the victim into shock, which in turn can lead to heart failure even in someone who's otherwise healthy.

[gharial]

I like the theory that she literally can't kill herself because the curse is compelling her to life to protect people. That's really twisted.

[gharial]

I assume Elva's over eating is used to fuel her growth, not her magic. Even with magic that extra matter she's accumulated has to come from somewhere. Of course it does give rise to the question of how much she's eaten to have grown so fast and how she communicated she needed this much food when all she could eat was milk. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense, but only because the timeline of this series is crazy short and it's been like a week since Eragon blessed her (alright maybe more realistically one or two months). But at least it's a detail that attempts to make sense of it and I appreciate that.

[gharial]

I quite heavily disagree that Nasuada's lace making scheme is thinking outside of the box. It might look like it is in our world where magic isn't real, but it's such an obvious idea in a world with magic that it would have been done long ago and should be the basis of the entire economy. That's how economics works. You look for the cheapest, easiest and most profitable way to achieve something. Magicians creating fancy products should be the default way these things are created in this world. It'd be like showing someone from the medieval era Terminator and then them going and writing a story in which machines are used to revolutionize farming. It might seem out of left field for an outsider, but thinking about it with some logical realism and using magic to produce things is the most obvious use for this trade there is.

[epistler]

You know what, you're completely right. Magic is hardly ever used for practical purposes in this series, and it's completely nonsensical.

I read this book once where pretty much everyone has at least low-level magic, and when the main character visits the marketplace you see people using it quite casually to make money - one guy is freezing water and selling the ice, someone else is making plants grow and selling those, and there's a "blacksmith" who if you tell him you need a spearhead or whatever he just melts a piece of metal into shape using magic and says that will be ten bucks or whatever. And the streets are lit up at night by eternally burning magical flames on poles. You never see anything close to that in Alaglag, and the only real explanation I can think of is that regular people hate magic users because reasons.

[gharial]

You also got to question what magic users do all day in Alag. Are 100% of them pressed into military service? We don't even see dedicated curates or hospitals staffed with people versed in healing magic. It seems the only thing using magic entails is "being a magician" like some kind of D&D wizard only without any of the adventuring. There's the whole thing about Galby wanting to regulate them, so I guess the life path of a mage in Paolini's world is either "Military service, fight for the glory of the Empire/Varden" or "Learn to use magic and commit fraud to become massively wealthy and then just live a life of indulgence."

[epistler]

Yeah... magic in this series only seems to ever be used for warfare. The rest of the time it's being used for useless fripperies like creating pretty flowers and magical photographs and whatnot. Again - major failure of imagination.

[(Anonymous)]

You've hit upon a trope that I hate, in that magic essentially always ends up ultimately being used for battle and combat purposes. One of the reasons I enjoyed Avatar and Harry Potter is that the bending and magic was used for transportation, culinary arts, sports, medicine, etc.