![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ultramega10 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
antishurtugal_reborn Hail and well met. I am William Gabriel, son of Duke Vanion Gabriel. I have been dispatched by Lord Elranor, known to you as Ultramega10, to serve in his place in this spork. I have written several chronicles of my adventures, and so I am well qualified for this. Admittedly I have not read any other chapters of this book. Thus I will be judging this chapter by its own merits.
Our story begins with Eragon and Brom drinking the last of their water. Eragon laments that they have now run out and notes that they will be in trouble if they do not reach a Yazuac soon. A town, I presume. Brom assures us that they will reach Yazuac on this day.
This is a strong way to begin a chapter. The need for water is an important consideration for all adventurers. I have found myself parched many times. Of course, if they reach Yazuac without something incident, this conversation is meaningless.
Judging from this, it is clear that something must go wrong.
In any case, Eragon inquires as to how Brom is so farsighted. Brom explains that he is guided by the stars, not by the land. I am no expert in astronomy, however, this seems a suspect claim. The stars are useful in navigation. They provide an easy frame of reference for sailors. However, moving across land is completely different.
A ship can go anywhere on the ocean so long as it is capable of surviving the winds and the rough waters. A man walking through a land is not so lucky. In my journeys throughout many lands, I have found many unexpected obstacles. It is true that one might get a general idea of ones’ location. But pinpointing the proximity of a nearby town is a very exact bit of science.
To know by looking at the stars how close they are to Yazuac seems an unlikely achievement. If Brom had been this way many times before, it might be justified. But if Brom had been here many times before he could remark on seeing a landmark.
Then they arrive in Yazuac without incident. Thus removing any purpose behind remarking on their lack of water. This I find to be very irritating. Much could have been done to build sympathy for these two. Speak of the sweat dripping down their brows. Tell me how their clothes stuck to them and sunburn hurt their skin. How their tongues stuck to their throats.
Had these details been included, it would have made finding Yuzuac a moment of triumph of sorts. They have gotten past the obstacle of thirst and heat. It would build sympathy for the characters.
From the way we hear of this matter, however, the journey was a simple matter. Eragon and Brom do not seem to suffer at all in any way from the journey. Let me ask you this: Have you ever gone an entire day without drinking anything at all? Have you ever gone half a day?
Do that and then tell me that doing it while exerting yourself in heavy travel would not be worth remarking on.
Whatever the case, Saphira spots the village first.
Hold on a moment. I lack context here. Who is this Saphira and why did she have no presence in the earlier part of this chapter? Surely if they were traveling together, she should have made her presence known.
Whatever the case, they near Yazuac. A dark winding line appears on either side of the town and then disappeared into the distance.
What?
This is a bad description. Reading this, I do not get any clear picture of what it is that they are seeing. The entire purpose of description is to show the reader what the characters are seeing. To give a sense of what is happening in the world.
No, I see. Clearly, Eragon and Brom are viewing some indescribable thing beyond human comprehension. Perhaps the result of dark magic, or an eldritch horror-
“The Ninor River,” said Brom, pointing at it.
A river. It was a river. Then why not just say that a dark winding river was on either side of the town and disappeared into the distance.
Eragon then pulls Cadoc to a stop. Who is this Cadoc and what role does he have to play in this? Whoever he is doesn’t seem to have any presence.
“Saphira will be seen if she stays with us much longer.” says Eragon. “Should she hide while we go into Yazuac?”
Brom scratched his chin and looked at the town. “See that bend in the river? Have her wait there. It’s far enough from Yazuac so no one should find her, but close enough that she won’t be left behind. We’ll go through the town, get what we need, and then meet her.”
Ah, I see. Saphira is some sort of pack animal of remarkable rareness. One that Eragon is afraid someone would be stolen. At first, I thought she might merely be a mute friend. But now things are much clearer. Why else would she have no dialogue and have people make decisions for her? Still, I wonder how they intend to ensure she-
“I don’t like it,” said Saphira when Eragon had explained the plan. “This is irritating, having to hide all the time like a criminal.”
...So she is not a pack animal. And she can speak. In any case, Eragon flat out overrides her and tells her to go there. Judging from the fact that neither has any regard for her, I believe that Saphira is some sort of slave.
And then she flies away, low to the ground.
Then Eragon and Brom keep on a swift pace, and we’re told they are anticipating food and drink at Yazuac. But they see smoke from dozens of chimneys but see no one in the streets. Everything is silent. They stop before the first house, and Eragon notes there are no dogs barking.
Rather an odd thing to say in a suspicious situation.
The two muse that someone should have seen them and note that no one is here to meet them. Brom speculates, they are afraid. This is absurd. Brom and Eragon are two men, and nothing I’ve read seems even remotely intimidating. Why would an entire village, one whom I presume have a militia, be afraid of two people?
Oh, and they dismount from something. I take this to mean that these are halflings. After all, halflings are the only race light enough to ride wolves. Ordinarily, I might say that Brom and Eragon might have a rare mount of some kind. But I think I would know if they were riding chimeras.
Still, for what it’s worth, this scene does a decent job of establishing suspense.
Unfortunately, this is undermined by Eragon suggesting that it might be a trap. That some people called, the Ra’zac might be waiting for us.
Let me see if I have this straight. Eragon theorizes that these Ra’zac either depopulated or moved an entire village. Just to set a trap for him and Brom.
Why don’t we just examine this idea?
If I were setting a trap here for these two in Yazuac I would just keep a watch for them. Since they would want provisions, I would arrange for him to be sold some poisoned food. Then, when they are convulsing on the ground dying, I would cut their throats.
Or I would wait for them to enter, then shoot them in the back with crossbows. Or just put a bounty on their head.
There is a myriad of different ways the Ra’zac could try to ambush Eragon and Brom. And none of them involve moving or killing the entire population. Thereby setting them on their guard. And if these Ra’zac are capable of depopulating an entire town, they could kill Eragon and Brom. Perhaps the two are beneath notice?
This Eragon is either conceited or rather dense.
Whatever the case, they decide to go in anyway to try and buy provisions.
This all seems obvious to me. The people are either hiding, gone, or dead. If they are hiding, there is something they are hiding from. They are traveling through a flat, barren, wasteland. Finding that thing should be a simple matter. If they are gone, the question becomes why an entire town would pack up and leave. And if they are dead, the question becomes why, and if the thing that killed them is still around.
Of course, the chimneys are all still letting out smoke. So obviously they are still inside the town or were very recently. But since they saw the chimney fires near a day beforehand, they would have seen the townsfolks exodus. As for them being dead, we would have seen or smelled the bodies. There is no way that something could have killed an entire town and cleaned up the bodies. Let alone done it before the fires burned low.
Whatever the case, they choose to go in by another entrance. Their assumption that if there is a trap, it would be along the main entrance. Once again, these two are just two people. You don’t need a trap to capture them. And anyway, if there is a trap, then the people saw them coming. And if the people saw them coming, they are watching right now.
So if Brom and Eragon move to another entrance, the trap will be transferred to there.
Brom and Eragon are very dense, aren’t they?
Brom draws a sword, and Eragon a bow.
They enter the streets in another way and see nothing except for a fox-
Wait.
Foxes don’t live in deserts. There is such a species as desert foxes, of course, but these are a completely different breed. One should be specific, lest the reader think of a normal fox. Thereby making the story seem very anachronistic.
The houses are said to be dark and foreboding-
No. Black things get a lot hotter than light colored things. This is why desert settlements build their buildings from light-colored materials. Some dark structures have been built. But the average person would never make their houses dark. They also have shattered windows-
What?!
Shattered windows?! As in, glass shattered!? I am the son of a Duke of immense power and influence, and my family castle of Carn Gable only has windows on the chapel! What imbecile would believe that a poor desert settlement could have glass windows?!
Oh, and the doors swing on broken hinges. The horses roll their eyes and-
What is a horse? It must be some kind of fictional animal. Whatever they are, they roll their eyes. Eragon’s palm tingles and he resists the urge to scratch it. And then they enter the center of town and find the corpses of the townsfolk all gathered in a huge heap. There is even an impaled body of a baby.
Fools. Don’t they realize this is an illusion?
Piling all the bodies into the town square would have been an immense task. Such a host would have been seen from miles away. Whatever sorcerer cast this spell clearly didn’t think his spell through very well. No one with any sense would believe that an army could have done all this in such a short time. Not without being observed anyway.
Oh, Eragon is crying. And he starts musing on what existence means if it could end like this.
Does he believe this fiction? And if so, why is his first reaction to lament the passing of all things. It is a remarkable thing to ponder in philosophy, but it isn’t the thing he should be worried about. Of greater importance, I would say, would be the BRUTAL DEATH OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!
Then a crow descends and begins eating the baby.
I do not see why this kind of detail is necessary for such an unpleasant thing. The horror of the situation would have been established by the overwrought descriptions. Having a bird start devouring the flesh is redundant. Whatever the case, Eragon shoots the crow.
In my mind, recording atrocities has it’s used in a narrative. However, it should not be dwelled on any more than is required. To focus too much on it only serves to demonstrate a lack of respect for the real events that happened. I have fought in the wars and killed men, both good and evil in the service of my god.
This kind of description is excessive.
Brom asks Eragon if he would wish to wait outside. This demonstrates empathy on Brom’s part and serves to make him more sympathetic. However, Eragon decides to stay and asks what could have done all this.
Yes Brom, what could have done all this? A teleporting army of satyrs? Did the buildings come alive, kill the people, and have a spitting contest to send them into the center of town?
This is his response: “Those who love the pain and suffering of others. They wear many faces and go by many disguises, but there is only one name for them: evil. There is no understanding it. All we can do is pity and honor the victims.”
Then Brom reads some tracks and concludes that the Ra’zac passed this way, but that someone else did this.
Further proof for my illusion theory. If an entire army had passed through here and piled hundreds of corpses, any tracks would be beaten out. Especially if they came later. Oh, and he mentions it is an urgal spear.
Urgal? I’m going to hazard a guess and say that urgal is another word for satyr. In which case, how does he know it’s an urgal spear? Spears are pretty simple weapons. You put a sharp tip on the end. Do urgals use different materials? Is there some unique mark or technique.
Nothing of the sort is revealed. Which is a shame, since it would have added life to this world.
Brom believes that there was a company-
A company?! Hundreds of people were killed, and they moved into the center of town in a matter of hours? And why would they bother? If this was just a raid, why go to the trouble? But Brom says that there have only been a few instances where they have gathered in such numbers.
Nonsense. A company is only a hundred strong. No race could survive in any rational world if they couldn’t muster even a hundred warriors. Even the most bloodthirsty of satyrs can muster great hosts with enough motivation.
Then Brom concludes from a set of tracks that there are still urgals there.
How in hells name could he know that? I presume it is possible to tell how fresh some tracks are, but it isn’t an exact science. Even if we assume that somehow he could know that they were only here a few moments ago, it still doesn’t work. The narrative expects us to believe that the urgals did all this in a few hours without being seen. If indeed the urgals can teleport, then surely they could have teleported away a few minutes ago.
Whatever the case, Brom tells them to run for it.
They try to ride out, but they are ambushed as they flee by urgals. Eragon is knocked from his saddle and sees a monster that is broader than a doorway.
This confirms it then. Urgals can teleport.
But then why would they break down the doors and smash the windows?
Brom starts fighting with another Urgal while Eragon makes a run for it, pursued by the urgal. He flees toward the center of Yazuac. Eragon cries for Saphira’s help. How? She’s very far away.
Whatever the case, Eragon turns and strings an arrow. He shoots it, but the urgal catches it in his shield. Then the urgal knocks him over and they start grappling.
And then Eragon springs to his feet.
What?
Did I miss something? This urgal has been described as something akin to a giant. And he was grappling with Eragon. No mention is made of Eragon throwing him off, but it must of happened. How? Eragon should be fighting for his life, not just running off.
And somehow he wonders where the rest of the urgals are and if these two are the only ones’ in Yazuac.
A good question.
Let me just stop for a minute. What are these urgals still doing here? Why separate from the company. Was there some kind of quarrel among their force and they had to flee? And if there was, why would they return to, or stay, in Yazuac. Surely remaining in a burnt out and destroyed ruin offers no opportunities. At best you’ll be sick to your stomach. At worst, you’ll be caught by humans seeking revenge.
Were they decorating the town with the bodies of the slain as some sort of sadistic art project? Perhaps they started all the hearth fires ahead of time to surprise any travelers. They could be seeking to make some kind of sickening artistic statement. And it would explain why they only attacked when Brom and Eragon had had time to appreciate their work.
I find myself more fascinated by the tale of the corpse artist urgals than these imbeciles.
Brom is thrown from his saddle, and the urgal raises his axe to kill him. Eragon charges the urgal.
Why not just use your bow to shoot the bloody thing in the throat? You’ll get better results than engaging it in a fist fight. But Eragon does and somehow leaves bloody furrows in the urgals side with his bare hands. So, do halfing in this setting have claws? Or is Eragon some kind of goblin. Either way, he is somehow paying attention to the urgal’s facial expression. Rather than, say, the giant axe with his name it.
Eragon runs away, both urgals chase after him. He tries to lead the urgals away from Brom and ends up in a dead end. Turning around he’s cornered. I expect the urgals are planning to demand he pay his admission for watching their art project.
Eragon remembers all the dead villagers and gets angry. Not because of the injustice of it all, mind you. He narrates explicitly that it isn’t about justice. No, what’s he’s upset about is the fact that all the bodies remind him that he too, one day, will die. Somehow this allows him to summon power with him, he sets an arrow to his bow.
Then he yells ‘Brinsingr!’
He launches his arrow, the arrow catches fire and hits the leader urgal. Then the arrow explodes. The fire them washes forward and doesn’t kill Eragon. I have no idea why the flames don’t kill Eragon. I’m sure it will be explained in the next chapter, though.
Then his palm is described as icy. Except it’s also described as glowing like white-hot metal. Then it fades back to normal. Then he collapses in exhaustion and falls against a wall.
This chapter is well paced for what it is worth. Events advance at a decent pace. Where it falls flat is the lack of payoff to elements introduced. As well as a complete lack of logical cohesion to the events of the story. No good reason is given for why the urgal are there, except the Eragon needed to get into a fight with one.
At any rate, this has worked fairly well. I shall return to spork once again.
In any case, I’m certain that the writer of this book will only improve with time. The worst, as they say, is behind us.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 07:00 am (UTC)This chapter was big heaping pile of ham-handed manipulative nonsense. A baby on a spike? Really?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 11:00 am (UTC)And can you contact Anya for chapter 20. I really want to hear her opinion on inhertience magic.
But if she doesn't respond or say she can't then can I spork, with another user, it?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 09:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 09:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 10:58 am (UTC)*slowly and carefully backs away*
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 07:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 06:36 pm (UTC)What I don't get though is why they don't keep the meat?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 08:57 am (UTC)Good question - if they're supposed to be Orc knockoffs, they should still be there stuffing their faces with delicious baby back ribs!
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 11:25 am (UTC)Now that I think on it, why don't the Varden eat the enemy dead? Surely it'd be a reasonable response to possible starvation?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-23 02:18 am (UTC)Shades of my mother when I was a kid "Well you can't be all THAT hungry if you didn't finish your vegetables!" Stop bitching and resort to cannibalism, Varden douchebags.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-21 06:46 pm (UTC)I'd read THAT story! "Alright guys, closest to the spear wins. Last one to poop goes first."
But then why would they break down the doors and smash the windows?
Probably because they had a victory pillow fight, but couldn't find any pillows, so they used the dead people instead.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 02:05 am (UTC)Frequently actually. I used to regularly fast once a week. Not any more though as I live in Thailand where it's way too hot to get away with not drinking. Not as difficult as one would imagine at all. Granted I'd never do it while taking a journey by horse back.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-22 08:59 am (UTC)But with that said, going without water for that long even when you're not in the desert is not a pleasant experience. I've done it myself (and I've been in the desert. The really big one in the middle of Australia, in fact), and it's absolutely not good for you. I've also had heatstroke at least once, and it's not what you'd call a stroll in the country.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-23 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-23 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-23 07:11 am (UTC)Also, on the moving of dead bodies. The group of Urgals probably could have pulled it off, as they should be very strong. Dead bodies are however much heavier to move than living ones.
And travelling in warm weather, probably also with a bit of wind, will leave you sweating and very thirsy. At the end of the day without water, their throats would have been dry enough to make talking painful and somewhat difficult.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 05:15 am (UTC)OMG hahahhaha