Eldest Spork Part Fifty-Five: M’o Warcrimes, M’o Problems

[epistler]

Having wasted even more of our time hanging out with Angela, Ergy finally gets to Trianna’s tent. Because Trianna is eeeevil, the tent is of course black. Subtle. Trianna and her gang come rushing out spoiling for a fight, and after some implausibly brief surprise over the elf mutant thing Trianna asks why he’s bothering to show his face now given that he couldn’t be arsed to spend any time with them before. Hahah, burn. I like Trianna because she’s pretty much the only female character who doesn’t end up shackled to some guy, doesn’t get damsel-in-distressed and doesn’t kiss Ergy’s ass either (which must be why she keeps being portrayed as a bad person, sigh).

Ergy arrogantly announces that he’s come to take charge, which upsets them a bit, so some of them try having a mental poke at him which he responds to by lashing out telepathically. That’s our hero – no solutions to anything other than assaulting people.

Regardless Trianna says no, which of course surprises Ergs because like all entitled people he has trouble accepting it when people don’t instantly roll over and give him everything he demands without question. Horror of horrors, Trianna continues to fight back, pointing out that he’s got no experience while they’ve been at it their whole lives (though as is repeatedly demonstrated in this series, apparently experience doesn’t actually mean anything). Ergy explains that he wants to join minds with them during the battle, and they can find enemy spellcasters and kill them. One guy thinks this is a good idea, but Trianna still won’t back down and demands to know why she’s being demoted after all her hard work and loyalty, whereupon Ergy reaches the most obvious conclusion on earth.

She has grown accustomed to power and doesn’t want to surrender it. But more than that, she thinks that my replacing her is a criticism of her leadership.

 

Really? No shit? Believe it or not, not everybody is as stupid as your self-insert, Paolini.

Ergy makes a little speech about how he needs their help, kissing Trianna’s ass in the process, which to be fair is a sensible thing to do, though it works rather too fast to be all that believable. We then cut to a summary of his discussion with the magic users, who we learn were mostly taught in secret because regular people are afraid of magic, and can’t speak the AL much. Oh, and their knowledge of magic is “often distorted by religious superstitions”.

…such as? Which religions are these? And way to be a condescending little shit. You know, again. He and Saphira have a private chat about this, and Saphira claims that Trianna cares about herself more than “the good of  the many”. Because you and your asshole Rider care so very much about the common good and won’t be screwing the citizenry over in any way shape or form, right?

Ergy patronisingly replies that he totally doesn’t judge her for that and she’s just doing her best to get by and he totally empathises with her. I wonder where all this empathy is due to go when it comes to dealing with Sloan and the captured soldier about a week from now?

Our hero gives the magicians a few pointers, but of course they’re all lame and weak and pathetic compared to His Awesomeness. See? I told you experience doesn’t mean shit in this series. Toward sunset (what are the enemy even doing all this time?) someone comes to get Ergy because Nausea wants to see him. Along the way he notices a “giant flock of birds”, specifically eagles, hawks, falcons, crows and ravens, all hanging out for a nice fresh Filet O’ NPC.

1.       Eagles, hawks and falcons aren’t carrion birds. They are primarily predators who feed on small mammals and reptiles

2.       Carrion birds show up after the battle. They don’t magically know there’s going to be one just because there’s a bunch of guys hanging around with weapons. Yes, ravens are smart, but they’re not that smart

Ergy makes the not at all clichéd observation that “the clouds of war are gathering”, and the chapter abruptly ends. The longer you put off the actual action, Paolini, the less tension there is. And there was little enough of that to begin with.

And now for the next chapter, in which we learn that Racism Is Bad! (Except when desert nomads are stereotyped as violent barbarians complete with a “Drum Dance”. Then it’s totally okay).

Ergy meets up with Nausea, who says a bunch of Kull are heading their way. Ergy reacts like a kid playing a MMORPGer as he casually and cheerfully offers to slaughter the lot of them, all while wearing “a savage grin” and thinking about how he’s going to enjoy using his new powers to wipe them all out. But he’s Mr Super Empathy Who Reveres All Life now, remember.

An argument ensues with Nausea and Saphira both calling Ergy unreasonable, and then we just cut to the Kull arriving anyway. The description of their leader is not at all patronising, calling him “a magnificent specimen” with “proud features” and big muscles. Can you imagine the shitstorm that would have ensued if this sort of language had been used to describe, say, a dude from Ghana? The whole thing just screams Noble Savage. And it’s an issue that’s absolutely going to stick around, too.

The urgal leader introduces himself as Nar Garblewopwop or something like that, and recites the usual sob story about how everyone hates his people and how the real bad guy screwed them over and now they want to switch sides and get revenge because they’re actually a Proud Noble Warrior Race. So basically all Paolini’s done here is change them from LoTR Orcs to Klingons. Even when he’s trying to be unexpected he still can’t come up with anything original, sigh.

Nausea asks the Klingons what they want in return for their alliance – dude, never do that! If they want payment, let them bring it up! Garglewopwop says they want Galby’s blood and also some nice reservations to live on once the war is over. Jordan doesn’t like the idea, but Nausea says they need all the help they can can get and accepts the offer.

The urgals leave, whereupon King Orrin comes running up demanding to know what’s going on. Ayup, Nausea just made a major decision completely over the guy’s head, without even bothering to inform him. Like I keep saying – worst ally ever.

Fortunately, before we get to see Orrin be patronised yet again they’re interrupted by news that the baddies have sent a messenger, so they all go to check it out.

Surprise surprise, the baddie messenger is on a “black stallion”, just to make it totally clear who we’re supposed to be rooting for here. He yells at them about how they’re all going to die for refusing to surrender, and then throws a severed head at them. I guess this is supposed to be the head of the Varden’s own messenger, but it comes right out of nowhere and no-one has any reaction to it. Eragon asks Nausea if she’d like him to kill the guy, but Nausea “nobly” says that it would be dishonourable to kill an unarmed messenger.

So of course Saphira just goes ahead and kills him anyway in the nastiest way possible, by spooking his horse which throws him off into a convenient flame blast and roasts him alive. And then everyone cheers and applauds her “accomplishment” (seriously, that’s the word Paolini uses) as if she didn’t just, y’know, kill an unarmed messenger. Nas even smiles. Guess that goes to show where she stands, then.

After this Nas randomly announces that the baddies will attack at dawn. And how does she know that, exactly? Saphira ends the chapter by saying she’s gonna burn everyone, loveable scamp that she is. Can we please just get the horrible battle over and done with? I think the plot’s been spinning its wheels for more than long enough by this point.

The next chapter opens with a description of the Burning Plains at night, and Ergy putting Saphira’s armour on her. Orik shows up carrying that ridiculous urgal horn bow. Uh, dude, you might want to put that thing away in case your new allies see it. They might be a bit upset.

Orik mentions Murtagh, whereupon Ergy finally remembers the guy exists and thinks of him as “old friend”. You knew him for maybe two weeks, Ergy. So cute sentiment, but not exactly accurate.

And then he just forgets all about him again in favour of talking about the urgals. Orik thinks the alliance was a good idea (…but he’s still openly going around carrying a bow made out of one of their dead comrades). Then they stop talking and just kind of hang around until Ergy senses the minds of Angela and Serious Ass coming from the direction of the bad guy camp and goes to see what she’s up to.

Apparently Angela is some sort of athlete/acrobat on top of everything else, because despite wearing an utterly impractical “dark, full-length cloak”, she’s somehow able to swing on a bunch of poles and jump over trenches until she’s back in Good Guy Town. I wish Paolini would stop trying to make her “cool”, because it’s not working. Cool characters need to have charisma, and Angela is about as charming and charismatic as a dead fish.

Serious Ass pointlessly changes into his human form (seriously, the whole werecats can turn into small humans thing is pointless; they might as well just be talking cats), and Orik asks what they were doing in the enemy camp. Angela gives a pointlessly evasive answer, and then has the gall to get uppity when this makes Ergy suspicious, demanding to know whether they trust her and the cat. Why the hell should they? So far she’s acted neither trustworthy nor mentally stable.

Either way she claims she’s been doing her bit to help them win, and then smarmily says she wants it to be a surprise.

You just poisoned a bunch of hapless conscripts, Angela. Anyone who thinks that’s something to be playful about is a fucking sociopath.

Nausea shows up with Nar Garglewomp, saying she gave the psycho permission to do it. Neither Ergy nor Orik are pleased to see the urgals, but Nas ignores it and takes Ergy aside. She tells him that if Galbatorix shows up he’s going to have to face the guy alone and no-one will be able to protect him. Ergy “nobly” answers that he’s always known he’ll have to face the Big Bad alone except for Saphira.

Which is total bullshit, because in the end he’ll have not just Saphira but Arya, Elva, and a thousand odd dead dragons for backup. And he’s still going to suck and fail. If you’ve read to the end of the series, this scene swiftly loses what little poignancy it had.

Next up Nas offers Nar Golliwog’s services as a bodyguard, along with a few other urgals. Ergy says he’s not interested in allying with monsters and anyway he’s already accepted a bodyguard of dwarves and they’ll be offended.

What the hell use are bodyguards going to be, period? He’s a dragon rider! He’ll be fighting from the air (or he sure as hell should be). How are ground-bound guards going to be the slightest use? How would they even keep up?

This is so stupid.

Nausea gives Ergy a lecture about how he needs to see past his hate and tells him to consult Saphira, which he does. Saphira tells him he’s being “foolish” and how it’s dumb to refuse help in their position. Not if it’s being offered by someone you trust about as far as you can throw Manhattan, Saphira. Then it’s just a fine recipe for getting yourself stabbed in the back. There’s a difference between being pragmatic and being naïve after all.

Of course this is really just here to serve as an opportunity for some really ham-handed preaching about how Prejudice Is Bad ™. Too bad the series is full of blindly ignored racism and misogyny anyway, not to mention a really distasteful unintended message about how some people are just inherently superior to everybody else without having to do anything to earn it.

Ergy reluctantly accepts. I’m sure you were all holding your breath.

Next up Nas tells him she’s chosen him as her successor if anything happens to her, which we all know it will. Ergy is surprised and flattered and accepts, saying “You honour me”, which gets a surprisingly dismissive response from Nas, who just says “Yes I do” before rudely turning her back on him. What is it with this book and women rudely walking away while the protagonist is talking to them? Does Paolini think that’s just how women behave? If so then no wonder he’s single.

Ergy doesn’t seem to notice and turns his attention to the urgals, thinking about how they’re just beasts with no feelings, and are “lesser beings” as a result. Wow, subtle. And not at all an obvious setup for a Very Special Episode.

He speaks to Nar Gargamel, who despite having just seen Eragon call him and his kind monsters in front of everyone immediately starts kissing his ass. No really; he flat-out tells Eragon that the whole urgal race is in his debt for killing Durza and how he and Saphira are welcome to visit the urgal halls “as no outsiders ever before”.  That’s some pretty impressive bootlicking coming from a supposedly proud warrior type, and especially given that he’s saying all this to the dude who’s killed hundreds of urgals and was completely prepared to do the same to him. Even if killing Durza did have a good outcome for the few urgals who survived the battle, there’s no way Ergy knew that was going to happen. Doing someone a favour doesn’t count if you did it by accident.

Ergy then has a rummage around Nar Gormenghast’s mind, and surprise surprise he learns that he’s totally a Good Guy, with a “regal bloodline”, and also he’s a “brilliant commander” and “as great a thinker and philosopher as Oromis himself” (not much of a compliment, really). But of course he’s also “uneducated”, because, you know, Tribal Warrior Noble Savage Guy.

God this is offensive.

And just like that Ergy gets over his prejudices and welcomes his new allies with open arms and isn’t racist any more. Yes, it’s just that easy!

With that charming scene over and done with, cut to… more sitting around! Ergy casts FUCKING WARDS over himself and Saphira, and also Nas, Orik and Arya, which is supposedly dangerous but he couldn’t bear the thought of them getting hurt. So far he’s acted like they’re acquaintances at best, and when his supposed friend Murtagh “died” he got over it in a day. So no, I don’t believe you.

Meanwhile Angela puts on some armour and gets out her “staff-sword”. Where’s the magic sword that can cut through anything? You know, the one that comes right the fuck out of nowhere in the last book. When did she acquire it? And if she has it now, why isn’t she using it?

Around dawn they all start hearing horrible screams of pain from the enemy camp, and Angela reveals that she’s gone and poisoned everyone. And now she has the gall to be all quiet and solemn about it. Where was the remorse yesterday, bitch? And how the hell did she poison that many people in just a few hours without being noticed anyway?

The three of them have a boring discussion about the morality of using poison, and Ergy forces himself to listen to the screaming because “it would be wrong to ignore it”. Or maybe you just like it when other people suffer, you colossal prick.

Comments

[ssbob90]

Yeah it's idiocy all the way down.

But to some credit Paolini did gave eron a flaw of prejudice and told it was bad for it. Sadly it was resolved to quickly and was put to force a hamfisted message that is unintentionally ignored. And I think this is where he gained a gid complex.

And, if you think about it, Trianna is fortunate to be the only character allowed to tell eragon to fuck off without getting punished.

And I remember a site saying that angela the demon incarnate had used a gas weapon because it was stupidly improbable to carry enough poison for that many soldiers.

And tinkledeath(that crystal sword) is a blatant, stupid, fucking, deus ex machina. As if this series need more. Because more then three or four is a red flag.

[gharial]

I don't find the poisoning that unrealistic. The soldiers are probably all eating from the same food source, most likely a stew of some kind. And she does say she didn't poison all of them. Is there any real life poison with that potent an effect? Not sure, but it doesn't really matter as there could easily be a fictional one (man, maybe she put just a tiny bit of sether oil {or however it's spelled, the Razac stuff} in the pot and it's slowly burning their stomachs open. That would suit the agonizing screams that can be heard from the otherside of the battle field at least).

[epistler]

But to some credit Paolini did gave eron a flaw of prejudice and told it was bad for it.

Unfortunately it would appear that he only gave him that prejudice so he could then show him magnanimously getting over it in five minutes flat. It would have been way more believable if we'd seen him later on slipping up by using racist terms or whatever in front of his new urgal pals and having to correct himself. I sincerely doubt Paolini knows how racism and prejudice really work.

And tinkledeath(that crystal sword) is a blatant, stupid, fucking, deus ex machina.

Yes. Yes it is. Just like all the rest of Angela's stupid random powers and possessions which come right the fuck out of nowhere. A better author would have cut her out of the series entirely, or kept her to a minor cameo.